Changes

my life is continually in a state of flux these days. now, my daughter has a job. i am pleased and proud of her, but i have lots of fears. i worry about her walking to work, and i strongly suspect that her boyfriend has encouraged this to make her move out. so instead of helping her family who have supported her her entire life, she would be helping him sit on his ass at the card shop while she works.

i want so much more for her. never the mind the fact that my anxiety would be so much worse if she isn’t here. at the same time, things have been so bad between us for so long that i really have given up on her and don’t want a relationship with her anymore. it’s so sad really. we were once so close.

The Selfish Gene

an issue i’m struggling with is the balance between taking care of myself and others. i have a hard time saying no to people even if i really don’t want to do what they’ve asked. as a result, i always end up feeling resentful. i question myself too, always wonder if i’m being selfish by not wanting to agree to their request or if i’m merely practicing self care.

it’s a difficult thing to determine. i can only take it case by case, try to balance the need of the person asking and whatever need i have. it’s more muddied now because my anxiety disorder makes many situations frightening to me, and i want to say no even if i’m needed. i can’t let my fears cripple me, especially if someone asks for help, but at the same time, don’t i have a right not to be scared all the time? not easy.

Wide Awake

I continue to be hormonal-either that, or i have finally decided to live in reality. don’t know which. i don’t seem to be sad. if anything i feel somewhat numb today. maybe my meds have kicked in. at any rate, i appear rather calm and matter of fact. i have come to some drastic decisions, and i don’t see any turning back.

for years, my daughter was almost everything to me. she looked up to me; she respected me, and being so lonely, having such little self-esteem, i clung to her. i think i’m finally ready to accept that she wasn’t worth it, that she wasn’t who i thought she was. she is my daughter, and i will always care about her, but i don’t like her much any more.

part of it is my fault. i allowed myself to care too much, to depend on her too much. i wanted a friend, and i am her mother. it’s time i acted like it. i don’t know where that leaves me. perhaps it’s time i just decide to be alone, to depend on no one but me. today i’m actually kind of ok with it. thank you prozac lol.

Give Me Strength

today will be a huge challenge. anthony will be doing training all day; i have to babysit, and katie is going out. my anxiety will be at its height i know. thanks god for ativan. please help me make it.

Time To Move On?

I may be hormonal, but i think i’m done, really. katie and i had another long conversation about our recent sucky relationship and she just didn’t get it. she saw every comment as me attacking her. she will never understand that she does anything wrong. she thinks i’m just being mean. it’s not going to get better. the daughter i loved is gone forever. it’s time i let go, accept that i’ve lost the last person i had allowed myself to trust and give my heart to. i’m alone, and i need to embrace it.

Sunshine Day

looking outside and it’s a gorgeous day. so sunny and bright. course that also means it’s really hot lol. hopefully the weather will influence my mood, and i will be happy and productive. i’ve really failed this week. bad eating, little exercise, not much housework. haven’t even started reading a new book yet. grrrr! have to stay focused for my health if nothing else.

Hormones!!!

I have been a bit down the last day or so, really hormonal. i am so tired of all this. i have so much i want to get done, and that is impossible when all i want to do is sleep. between that, the side effects of my meds, and keeping track of everything involved with my illnesses, i feel overwhelmed and discouraged today. willpower-have to power through it.

Once More Into The Breach

yes, i did it again-i stopped writing when i promised myself i would keep at it to get in the habit of writing every day. my hope was that that would eventually inspire me to get back to writing for pleasure and/or future publication. i just didn’t have much i really wanted to say. it all seemed so boring and monotonous since so much of my time lately is all about my health and getting better both physically and mentally. important to me but not of much interest to others lol.

the journey does continue though. have had some setbacks in cleaning and exercise cause have felt tired and sick a lot, but i haven’t given up. if i miss days, i just get back to it. and i have not missed a single doctor’s appointment as well as overall eating less and better. a lot of this is thanks to the people who love me. couldn’t do it without them. in the end, it’s up to me to do the work though.

At The Risk Of Sounding Negative...

I haven’t written for awhile because i didn’t have anything to say that didn’t sound totally like whining. not sure if today will be much different. so much to deal with. am feeling entirely overwhelmed. i dread and fear the day when my kids are gone and i’m alone. i need to either attempt and forge a relationship with my husband or make new friends, but both seem so difficult.

i am also facing serious health problems and all the changes i must make to be healthier. lastly, there are financial problems which make the other two things that much more difficult to accomplish. part of me just wants to give up, say it’s simply too much, is too hard, and i can’t do it. but life goes on and you have to live whether you want to or not, so. maybe it’s true that you can fake it until you make it. for now though-

A Journey Begins With One Step

      It’s been really hard the past few days. Was in the hospital last week with a minor skin infection, and i discovered i am no longer borderline diabetic but mildly diabetic. i now have to take my sugar and watch what i eat. that means a lot of the food i love must be limited now. am having a much harder time with the changes than i should.

i’ve been struggling with depression for a long time anyway, looking for reasons to hope, to go on, to be happy. i just don’t know what my place in the world is anymore. ive been a mother for so many years that i have no idea how to be just me at this point. i need a new purpose, new goals, things to look forward to. maybe i can start with the little things i love, that give me pleasure and expand that later to people.

that will be the hardest. i just don’t trust many people, and i have such little self esteem that i have trouble believing that others love me. have a long way to go.

Where I Am

short answer? i don’t really know. my anxiety has improved a LITTLE, but i don’t seem to be very motivated. i have not exercised, written in this blog, or done much cleaning in my house for DAYS. i don’t really understand why. physically i’m better for sure. the swelling in my feet is virtually gone; my blood pressure is good, and no panic attacks. it’s been close, but no full blown ones. emotionally i seem to be getting a bit stronger, able to say how i feel without fear more easily. am i just so focused on getting better emotionally that i am neglecting the practical things i need to do? but then i’ve always lived more in my head than out in the world, sooooo....

It's Always Something

     Still all kinds of stress and no end in sight. i continue to struggle with my illness; i am facing my visit with the doctor for my meds and now tension is up with katie cause her boyfriend is losing his apartment and she wants him to live with us. i believe in helping people, but roomates have never worked out, and there has already been one horrible incident with him and my husband. nobody seems to get along with him well, and it would also be against our lease. we could lose OUR place. he wouldn’t be able to help financially for 3 weeks either, and we can’t afford to feed him. too much to take on, and the risks just seem too great.

understandably, daughter can’t accept this. she just wants to help him. i feel guilty, but i just don’t see how we can do it. course it would make a difference if we all liked him more which makes me feel even worse. it’s all too much. i am feeling overwhelmed and worn out today.

The One And Only

     Have been nearly manic the last couple of days. have at times felt almost TOO content. unfortunately that has made me a bit lazy too, and I haven’t done all the things I should. after a day or two off, MUST work again.

Of course there is still an outside stresser that could derail everything if i let it. i want to help people, do things for them but so much wrong in my life, and i’m so empty, that i must take care of me for now, get well so i can be there for others again. but the typical, judeo/christian view is that you forget about yourself, do for the world, and presumably, maybe they will do the same for you. you shouldn’t expect it though, and if you don’t get any support or help back, i guess you are somehow just supposed to exist without it and continue to sacrifice yourself for others.

i’ve never understood how you can fill others when you are empty. i mean, you can’t draw from a dry well. but they would probably say you take of others AND yourself on your own. that’s not what i hear though when they continually imply that you don’t matter at all, only other people do. again, how are you supposed to perform the magic trick of pulling love, support, and comfort out of thin air from nothing? all i know is that i can’t do it any more.

I Don't Wanna Face It

lots of thoughts today about how crappy my present is and the changes I need to make to have my future be better. some ideas are small; others are drastic. it’s like i’m at a crossroads. am leaning toward one direction, but have no clue how that direction would turn out in the long run. all i DO know is that I can’t stay where I am any longer. am thoroughly sick of the scenery lol.

One Step Forward?

Today I was really proud of me. i faced a situation that a few days ago would have brought on a panic attack and survived. i was still nervous, and there was one scary moment, but i did better. i still leaned on one of my comfort measures more than i should have though, and i need to work even more on that. i did everything on my daily do lists though as well including exercising, though, so overall, am pleased. now just keep moving forward.

Let's Try This Again

     i was very hormonal yesterday.  i had a lot of trouble getting motivated, and we had company, so i didn't get as much done as i would have liked.  the only thing i totally didn't do on my list though was exercise.  i got back to it today though, so not too much of a setback.  i just have to not give up when i fall short and start again.  i really have to or my life will never get better.

                                               

SSDD

not much to say today. i had been improving, even had my first counseling session yesterday (which went well). last night was a setback though. both my son AND daughter wanted to go out, and i had a near meltdown. finally daughter stayed home so i wouldn’t panic. i feel awful. i have no doubt my distress stems largely from my loneliness. im so scared about being abandoned that i can’t seem to handle well my kids even being gone from me for short intervals. what am i going to do if they move out entirely? i must get a life of my own without them but i don’t know how. i have no friends here, and i feel so lonely sometimes. how am i to let go and let my children be happy if i have no one else?

Early Morning Blues And Greens

     short one today-i am going for my first counseling session this afternoon. i am excited, hopeful and nervous. am hoping for a real new beginning, that this will be the first step in a new life for me. i want to do better, feel better, be happier. i intend to write down some things i want to bring up with the counseler. hopefully wont be way too many lol.

There's Still Lots Of Good In The World

     i was on meds for my anxiety disorder and that helped, so i got complacent and didn't try very hard to get the counseling i needed to go along with it. unfortunately, (or inevitably) i was unable to keep going to the doctor and couldn't refill my prescription.  disaster-my illness got a lot worse.
     i've been trying to get back to the doctor for awhile, but i couldn't find a ride.  i was getting discouraged as i am prone to do, was even questioning the whole human race again lol, but then a near miracle happened: a friend of katie's who barely knows me said yes.  i can not begin to say how grateful i am that this young man would go out of his way to help a friend's MOTHER.  my good samaritan, you have made me hope again.  24 hours still for something to go wrong though lol.

                                         

The Definition Of Insanity

     How many times have i been here now, saying i will write in this blog, i will make positive changes in my life, finish projects, and haven't done it?   well, hope spring eternal.  less pressure though-starting this now to get used to writing every day.  we will see what happens.  no expectations at first.  i have sooo much to do that if i try it all at once it will overwhelm me. one thing at a time, little by little, add more, and hopefully i will get where i need to go.  please don't let me fail again.