What Is Normal Anyway?

     I feel a little better today.  Still feel somewhat awkward with friends though.  Don't really know how to open up and trust, let people in anymore.  I had thought my ability to engage in more casual relationships as opposed to the always deep, emotional ones of my past was progress.  Now, instead of supplementing my soul mate friendships, I worry I have REPLACED them entirely with banality. Even when I find someone I feel I could be close to, something always happens and I become disillusioned, begin to back away, retreat.  God, it's hard.  I want to love someone as I did Chastity, Pete, Tammy and Steve, but I don't know if I have it in me anymore.

                                                         

It's That Time Again

     I don't know if it is simply hormones, over sensitivity or if I really have a REASON to feel this way.  All I know is that I am miserable today, hurt, lonely and feeling completely neglected.  I  honestly feel as if I have no friends, that no one cares about me at all, that they just look upon me as a burden.  I don't really want to get into WHY I feel that way; I just do, and I don't know how to stop.
     Sometimes it just seems it would be so much easier to not let myself care, to shut down entirely, never love or depend on anyone for anything, to just be alone.
     I have an aquaintance I just hang out with.  We do things together now and then, share a few laughs, and that is the extent of it-nothing serious, nothing heavy.  I don't ask her for anything; she asks nothing of me and the emotional bond between us is about as substantial as cotton candy.  Maybe that is all there is.  As much as they talk of love, as much as they seem to want it, maybe human beings just don't really know how to GIVE it.  They can TAKE all right, and they will TAKE until they bleed you dry, but GIVE..?   Who knows-maybe I am guilty of the same thing.  All I know is that I just don't have it in me to try right now.  I am so disillisioned that I just want to forget the whole human race, somehow just learn to love and care for myself and not need to ask anyone else for any kind of help or emotional support.

                                             

It's All About Acceptance

     I have been watching a lot of "Glee"  for the first time in a long while, and I was struck once again by how positive a show it is and how relevant to my life.  Actually I think almost EVERYONE can relate to it.  The main point is that we should accept ourselves and others for who and what we are.  So many characters on the show have learned, grown,  from being confronted with the "losers" in the glee club.  The transformation of the secretly gay Karofsky who always bullied Kurt was a beautiful thing to see in particular.

     To drive the message home, they finally had an entire episode in season two about acceptance.  Rachel thought about getting a nose job which even brought out latent insecurity about her former looks in the now prettiest girl in school.  Very cool episode that ended with a rousing version of Ga Ga's anthem, Born This Way.  Awesomeness!

     I loved it, and it is helping me to evolve too.  I would like to think I am learning to accept myself a lot more, fat and all.  As for OTHERS, well, the relationship between Kurt and Blaine has helped me to be more comfortable with same sex relationships.  I have always accepted them, but was a little squeemish when confronted with seeing actual PDA between them.  That is lessening now too.  

     The show also teaches the importance of the arts in schools and in our lives.  Just fantastic all around.  My goal as I start on season three is to really take its message to heart, love myself more, accept the weird that makes me unique and try to be the best person I can be.

 

                                             

New Philosophy

     Wow!  THAT was something wasn't it?  I sounded bat shit crazy in the last post.  Hormones are sooo lovely.  I feel better today. I was on to something though even at my darkest point.  I DO need to stop thinking so negatively. The thing is, I don't want to fake it.  I want to really BE positive and happy.  I have decided the key to this is a beautiful and very simple  idea Woody Allen has expressed in some of his films, namely that joy and meaning is found in just getting the most enjoyment you can from the little things in life you love.  That is the entire point of this post in a nutshell.  and sooo, let me illustrate.

                                       
                                                                     Another

A Third

                                                                And Finally....

                                  I love all of this-so true and how I think I will live my life from now on.

                                         

Anybody Out There?

     What a question-I know nobody really gives a shit.  Even my daughter has a new thing now in which every time I complain about something, she bitches at me for bitching.  So....I guess from now on, this is the only place I can go and talk about things that bother me.  Apparently people want nothing but sweetness and light and for you to shoot rainbows and unicorns out of your ass 24/7.   So be it.  I will shut up.  I am Little Mary Sunshine, Pollyanna from here on out.  I will spend my life kissing people's oh so sensitive butts, telling them the  fake, saccharine bullshit they want to hear and keeping how I REALLY feel to myself.  If I don't have anything positive to say, I will say nothing at all.  When I need advice, commiseration, sympathy, or comfort, I will give it   to MYSELF.  Always knew I was on my own; I just forgot that for awhile.  NO MORE!
     While we're on that subject, I MUST get out of here.  Fuck them all.  If  I'm alone, I may as well REALLY be alone.  The kids bitch every time they have to hear anything remotely negative from me; they bitch whenever they don't get their way in everything; they bitch if they have to do anything to help me...  I'm done.  I refuse to ask ANYONE for ANYTHING EVER from now on.  Someday I will be gone.  I will depend on nobody but me.  If I die alone like I have always feared, so be it; I will be better off.  Nobody will hurt me, let me down again.
     I miss you, my sweet Stephen.  He had his issues like everyone else, and his guilt wouldn't allow him to really let himself love me, but he WAS a good friend.  He was so patient with me even during my mood swings and paranoia, and he always tried to make me feel better.  He just had this way about him-he could find whatever talent you had and bring it out in you.  He could make ANYONE feel special.  I wish I hadn't fallen for him.  I wish I could have just enjoyed his friendship and not spent so much time hurting, wasting my time wanting him to love me back.
     I forgot the rule, you see.  The rule is that Shiela helps other people, loves and comforts THEM and gets no emotional support in return.  Hey-at least Steve supported me as a FRIEND.  Beggars can't be choosers right?  From this day forward, I will take what I can get.  I will ask for nothing and will be thankful for every crumb of love or consideration people are willing to offer.  That's just the way it is.  People are selfish, stupid and rude.  Deal with it, Shiela.

But then maybe the problem is just ME

                                             

Losing My Religion

     I stayed home from church on Sunday for Katie's birthday, and I stayed home last night just because I WANTED to.  In some ways I am really glad that I was told to call if I wanted a ride, and that if I didn't, it would just be assumed that I wasn't going to church.  I don't have to be judged any more.  If I don't go, I don't have to wonder whether or not my reasons for not going will be approved.  I can just relax now and be me, and it is sooo much less stressful to be honest.   It is also more positive.  I don't have to hear every minute about how rotten humans are and how the narcissistic god demands more and more worship and work.
     I do miss Linda though.  I have to face facts though, that the Linda I loved is basically gone.  She is so wrapped up in the church, and what time she isn't there, she is doing things for the old lady or she is doing something with this couple, the Wells or with Suzanne.  I have been totally replaced; there is no longer any room in her life for me.  I don't think she even WANTS me in her life at this point.  I don't think she approves of me.  I don't think she believes I am good enough for her any more.  THAT does hurt, but I don't think there is anything I can do about it.  I can't be what she thinks I should be, and I can't maintain a friendship with someone who is never there.
     Will I keep going to church at least on sundays?  I haven't made up my mind yet.  I hate to just give up on Linda after all these years, but I feel she has already given up on ME, so...

           

Time Travel, JFK, And Buffy The Vampire Slayer?

     More examples of how art can make us think, bring up questions about the nature of life and reality itself.  I just finished reading Stephen King's "11/22/63."  It was about someone trying to go back in time and save Kennedy.  The main premise was that you can't really do that, that the universe has an order to it, a way things are just supposed to go, and if you mess with it, the very planet itself could come apart.  an interesting thought.  Is this true?  Even if God exists, would he or she be that controling with his/her creation?  The deistic god would have simply set the earth in motion and then let it progress as it would.  But then, in this theory, does there have to be any god at all?  Stephen King didn't mention one.  It was more like a scientific thing, a law of physics or the law of gravity or thermodynamics that states energy can't be created or destroyed that it can only change forms-well, you get the idea.
     We all hate to see bad things happen to good people, and it would be sooo tempting to try and prevent many of the tragedies of our time if we could.  If you could stop 9/11, for example, would you risk unraveling reality to do it(especially considering all the neocon fearmongering, erosion of civil liberties and two wars that have taken place since because of it)? What about the Titanic?  In that case much GOOD came from the tragedy.  Enough lifeboats were required to hold every passenger and there had to be a radio operator on duty 24/7 after that just to name two things.  Obviously, we can't change history, but it does spark a great debate about why bad things happen, and how maybe we should just learn and progress from them rather than bemoan our bad luck.  I think that was the bigger point of King's story, because invariably, all the people the main character tried to help did just fine, even triumphed, despite the limitations caused by the great tragedy in their life.
     The second idea comes from buffy the vampire slayer of all things.  It's about love-the whole buffy/riley romance.  Riley never felt that she really loved him and people like spike agreed.  they felt buffy chose Riley just because he was dependable, safe, compared to someone like Angel, but that eventually she would want someone more exciting.  does exciting equal bad, and does nice and stable equal boring?  it CAN, and often does I think.  My crush qualifies.  He was funny and exciting to be around, but he had serious issues.  now, Robert Downey is a "bad boy" who reformed.  Totally charming, funny, sexy and exciting, but seemingly moral now.  My love, steve had a quirky, funny, very passionate, naughty side, but he was also relatively stable and VERY nice.  Riley though?  He was sooo serious and intense-yep, nice and dependable, but yes, he WAS boring.  I would have ended up going for spike too lol.  A bad boy, but nice too and very funny-like Damon as opposed to Stefan in "The Vampire Diaries."
                                                                    I rest my case lol

                                       

Explanations And Updates

     First of all, I didn't INTEND to stop posting here-our computer died so that I could only update sporadically.  Later, my daughter's best friend allowed us to borrow her old notebook, but for some reason, this machine wouldn't allow text.  I would be able to post the title, but none of the body of my post would show up.  I did a test though, and now that doesn't seem to be the case.
     Soooo-here are some updates.  Briefly...the situation with my hopeless crush crashed and burned in a big way.  It is much too embarassing to reveal details; let's just say that he wasn't at all what I thought he was.  He had some SERIOUS baggage which led to...let's say...LEGAL consequences for HIM and a complete write off of the guy for ME.  To quote Forrest Gump, "that's all I have to say about that."
     Moving on-I have lost about 15 pounds and have been exercising more, so that is good.  In addition, I have reached a much better place in regard to what to do about certain religious matters.  Family has been a bit less placid and positive.  We almost lost one of our cats.  We took her to the vet with the expectation that she wouldn't be coming home with us.  Thankfully, after some basic tests, we found she has diabetes.  Vet put her on insulin, and she is doing much better.  The marital situation is not as certain. Have to make some changes there.  I've come up with a tentative game plan-not too many details as yet though.
     Ok-lastly-my baby girl turns 18 today.  Time has flown so quickly.  Hate to see her grown up in a way.  When I think about her moving out on her own, leaving me, it hurts my heart.  She has become like a friend as well as a daughter, and I will miss her so much.  I want to see her fly and have a healthy, happy life on her own though obviously.  Just hope we will always be close.

                                               

Survival

     Has been a wild ride with my emotions all over the place.  I fluctuate between being fine, even happy, hopeful, and then it changes without warning to practically wanting to open a vein.  I have a lot of changes I want to make in my life regardless of how that certain someone feels about me, but I find it is still HIM I think of more than anything else.  I have absolutely no idea if he really cares about me at all, and it hurts.  He has been firm about not talking to me at church.  He is too afraid to talk to me there for fear of getting reemed out again.  If we were talking a lot on the computer or the phone, it would be different, but we don't.  He never messages me; I message HIM, and then he only answers me once.  If I write him a second line, he doesn't write back.  and he doesn't call me either.  Seems pretty clear that he isn't interested, but it wasn't like that when he could talk to me at church.  He pursued me like crazy.  So naturally, his behaviour is confusing to me. 
     I watched a movie yesterday that didn't help at ALL, "Eat, Pray, Love."  At one point Julia Roberts is obsessing over an ex-boyfriend.  A friend of hers just tells her, "...miss him.  send him some light and love every time you think of  him, then drop it."  God!  I bawled.  I don't want it to come to that yet.

No Fool Like An Old Fool

     I have no idea where to even begin with this.  My life has been through so many changes the last few weeks.  I am doing so much better with my weight loss and my attempts to be healthier, but as for my emotional life...  I really messed up.  I got into a situation that if I had been younger, stronger, less vulnerable and lonely I would have run from as fast as I could.
     I'll be really honest here.  It doesn't matter anymore.  A younger man at church started talking to me, being friendly with me.  I figured he was just flirting since he seems to flirt with everyone else.  It got more intense, and I began to actually believe he might actually MEAN it.  I developed a completely irrational and stupid crush on him.  It all culminated with my asking him if he wanted to go to karaoke with me and a friend of mine.  I had no motives other than to just spend some time with him outside church.  I enjoyed being with him.  He made me laugh.  He was a lot of fun to be around.  He made me feel good about myself too, made me feel pretty.
     As has often been the case in the past, the church felt they had to stick their noses in and tell me what I could and could not do.  My friend's husband was apprised of the situation by a friend of this guy and he totally reemed him about it.  The guy in question then proceeded to write me on facebook and tell me what happened, practically begged me to talk to my friend's husband.  He said that he had been yelled at for hitting on me when I KNEW that wasn't the case, that we were just friends etc.
     I wrote back, gave him another friend's phone number, he called, and we talked for hours.  It SEEMED like a good conversation.  Yesterday at church he planned to talk to me in the morning but was intercepted.  At night I kind of stayed away from HIM.  Now I am sitting here on the computer after having messaged him on facebook to see how he is holding up through all this and he hasn't even answered.  I know that he gives blood on mondays.  If he is in the middle of that, he may not be able to answer, but I just don't know.
     I really believe at this point that he never cared about me at all even as a friend, that he simply thought it would be cool to find a lonely, middle-aged woman and flirt with her, try to make her interested.  Hell, maybe he even thought that he was being NICE to me by paying attention to me, that he was taking pity on me.  But it kind of appears at this point that he is ignoring me totally now.  I have his phone number.  I should call him using star 67 and let him know what I think of him.  How the hell am I even going to face him at church now?
     I am just as mad at MYSELF as I am him.  I was such a stupid  idiot to fall for all that bullshit.  Of course he probably had no idea I even took it seriously.  He probably just thought he was engaging in some harmless flirting.  At any rate my heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces yet again, and I just don't know how to go on from here.  I don't think I can ever do this again, put myself out there like that. 
     I intend to make my life as good as it can be.  I want to lose weight, get a job, get my own place, have a life of my own.  I just feel like the other ship has sailed and I need to face the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life.  OTHER people have lived life alone and been happy, right?  Why not me?
     SHIT! He just messaged me back on facebook finally.  He is still acting like we are friends.  He told me to be happy, uplifted, that he will talk to me, to be patient.  What exactly does all that mean?  Is he still playing the "I feel sorry for you, and I will talk to you out of pity" card?  It definitely seems obvious that he was never interested in me romantically.

     I am much too old for this crap!

And So It Begins

     A lot more has been going on concerning the last subject I wrote about.  Not certain how much to say about it here, because I am not sure who might be able to find this blog and read it.  I am trying to tread very lightly, not only because of other people, but also because I don't trust MYSELF.  Am beginning to think and feel things I told myself I would NEVER let myself even CONSIDER ever again!   Is not pleasant let me tell ya.  But then of course it IS too.  Do I sound like a total nut yet?  It's so hard.  I am far too old to act like this.  But then, they always say, you are never too old.
     Don't know what else I can say at this point, really.  I just wish I knew how much of all this is actually real, and how much of it is wishful thinking.  I also would like to know where that wishful thinking is coming from.  Does it all simply stem from the fact that I have been so lonely for so long, or is it something a bit more substantial and real?  I am not sure at all which answer I would be comfortable with.  If it is all being fabricated by a desperate, deprived heart than it might be much easier to get rid of, but then do I really WANT to get rid of it?  Ok, honesty time-I DON'T.  It feels too good.  I will NOT, repeat, NOT get too hung about it though.

"Teenage Dream"

     Am going to have to be pretty coy in this post for obvious reasons.  Other people may not know what I am talking about here, but I will, and that's enough.  I just have to write this down, so I won't forget it.  Sometimes someone just says or does something that makes you feel so good, so happy.   And for someone my age, it rolls back the years so that for at least a brief period of time, it's like you are a teenager again.  It doesn't even matter if that person might have just been joking around (not done in cruelty, but in harmless fun).  That warm, fuzzy feeling is still there.  Makes me want to exercise for hours a day and get skinny lol.  Only one problem-what if that person is NOT joking; what if they are serious (I doubt it)?  THEN we might have some complications here lol.
                                This is "all I've got to say about that"

Facebook Drama Part Two

     Have received support about what I said on facebook to a greater extent than what I thought I would get.  Not only did Linda support me, but she even POSTED about it.  We had a long talk on the phone last night.  She actually agrees with me on a great deal that is going on at the church, and it really surprised me.  The only thing I can't figure out is why she continues to support pastor so wholeheartedly after all the things he is doing.  I can understand supporting a CHURCH even if things aren't going the way they should because it is supposed to be about god instead of people, but I don't really get supporting a pastor if he is doing things wrong.
     Now don't misunderstand me.  I fully believe that people are a composite of both good and bad and that no one is perfect.  but...if too many suspicious and/or somewhat dubious things are going on with a leader, maybe he doesn't deserve to be that leader anymore.  But no, Linda's first instinct is to protect this man, keep some of the things she knows about him to herself and not tell anyone.  She admitted this to me because she said that our former pastor told her some things about our current pastor which were pretty bad.  So why are you protecting this guy then?  But then it all depends on what those things are though.  Everybody makes mistakes.  If they cheat on their wife or something, that is a private matter that doesn't have anything to do with their ability to be a pastor as far as I am concerned.  Now if they are accused of stealing money from the church or something...
     Anyway, was nice to get some support from an unexpected source.  She was in complete agreement with me about what happened basically except that she was pretty much putting the whole blame on the church member and giving pastor a pass.  Well, he was the one who actively encouraged her to tattle, so he is just as guilty as far as I am concerned, maybe more so.
     Enough though.  Have devoted two posts on this-no more.

I Stepped In It This Time

     I log into my church facebook this morning (I have two, one for church people and one for my friends and family), and I see a post from someone complaining about other church members cursing.  Fine, no problem there.  It goes beyond that though.  She gets into this exchange with pastor in which she offers to name names, tattle on all the church members on her buddy list she saw cursing, and...get this...HE TAKES HER UP ON IT!!!   so she is going to email him, tell on everyone she saw cursing. 
     That's it, I swear.  If Linda didn't still go to that church, I would be sooo out of there.  It's getting pretty darn bad when you get church members tattling on each other every time someone does something they don't approve of.   This isn't Nazi Germany!
     I couldn't shut up this time.  I am getting old enough now that I really don't much care what people think anymore.  I didn't directly refer to the post in question, but I told everyone that I would no longer be posting there because I refused to have everything I say judged and critisized.  Will be interested to see if anyone picks up on the fact that I was talking about them, and what they will say about it.  Already had one FORMER church member message me with her support.  And so it begins.

That Was Intense

     I don't know where that came from yesterday lol.  Pretty vicious.  Am feeling a bit more mellow today.  Aww, the glories of hormones.  Nothing much to report today except that I injured my bad knee last night pushing the basket of clean clothes into the bedroom so I could fold them (yep you heard that right folks lol).  It still hurts this morning.  I can barely walk on it.  Every time something like this happens, I worry that it will be this way forever, and that I will NEVER be able to get in shape.  Don't see how that could be possible from just pushing a clothes basket though.
     They are screwing around with Jeannie's husband, Bob, coming up with excuses to keep him in the hospital longer.  Today the excuse was that even though he saw the doctor like he was supposed to and the doctor said he could go home, he didn't sign the paper he needed to sign so Bob had to stay in there one more day until it was signed.  dummies.
     My stepmother called me and wished me a belated new year.  Of course she fussed at me first because I didn't call THEM.  They always expect me to call them.  To be fair, though, it is usually them who ends up calling first.  I guess I will be nice and try to make more of an effort (that new year's resolution-sigh).

     That is about it. Question for today.  After watching the delectable Robert in "The Pick Up Artist" last night, I have to ask: RDJ in his 20s or RDJ today?  I present, YOU decide.

Today For Me, Tomorrow For You

     Yes, "Rent" fans, I know I got that a little mixed up lol.  Yesterday, I wrote about some of the things I wanted to do for me in the new year.  Today, thought I would focus a bit on what I want for the world.
1. peace (that's a gimme)
2. Justin Beiber to disappear off the face of the Earth (that would be a public service trust me)
3. to see all the "faith fanatics" disappear off the face of the Earth-fundamentalist christians, that includes you too (yeah, I know, it ain't gonna happen)
4. Robert Downey Jr to pose nude (don't know about the rest of the world, but it sure would do ME a lot of good)
5. to see all the bat-shit crazy, completely out of touch, money grubbing, corporitist, rich worshiping, war-loving neocon scumbags drummed out of congress
6. along those same lines, to have Newt Gingrich shipped off to a concentration camp (the congress just voted to allow the military to detain US citizens indefinitely without a trial, so if it is good enough for the rest of us it sure is good enough for Newt.)  Rush Limbaugh, Glen Beck, Michelle Bachman, Dick Cheney, Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, Rupert Murdock and all those assholes at Fox News can join him.
7.  America to wake up and join the rest of the civilized world in giving its citizens nationalized health care
8. a REAL progressive to run for president
9. for somebody to finish what FDR started and actually create a real social safety net for our citizens
10. for the rich to pay their fair share in taxes
11.for the poor to get a break for once
12. laws to stop corporations from buying our congress
13. laws that really protect the environment and the public from greedy corporations who abuse their employees,  rip off consumers and poison the populace just so they can make a few more bucks
14. laws that keep religious nuts out of people's wombs and their bedrooms, that give consenting adults the right to decide how many kids they will have and when and allow them to marry whoever the fuck they choose
15. and while I am dreaming, get rid of all those crappy, idiotic reality and religious shows.  Maybe we could give a show to somebody like Richard Dawkins instead so that the american people could learn about science and facts instead of abusing your body for cash, debating whether or not Kim Kardashian's ass is real and how the big, invisible sky daddy wants you to send more money to Pat Robertson.
                             Guess my list is somewhat like his

                                     

Welcome 2012

     A new year!  I hope that it will all prove to be as pleasant as the last evening of the previous one.  Went over to Jeanne's house and had a movie musical marathon.  We watched "Xanadu" then "Grease" before tuning into the festivities at Time Square to see Lady Gaga push the button to start the ball dropping accompanied by a great, totally bad for me snack of fritos in dip lol.  Very nice.  Enjoyed it immensely.
     Okay-New Year's resolutions? 
1. EXERCISE and EAT BETTER
2. spend plenty of time with friends including contacting those out of state more
3. take care of myself (dress well, jewelry, makeup, perfume, etc)
4. get a job?
5. get my house together
6. sing
7. be more positive about my life and about other people
8. read, write, listen to music,  and watch movies frequently
9. make Robert Downey Jr leave his wife and marry me (okay-just kidding about that one-or AM I? lol)
                                         Here's a video to set a vibe for the entire year, I hope.