I have no idea where to even begin with this. My life has been through so many changes the last few weeks. I am doing so much better with my weight loss and my attempts to be healthier, but as for my emotional life... I really messed up. I got into a situation that if I had been younger, stronger, less vulnerable and lonely I would have run from as fast as I could.
I'll be really honest here. It doesn't matter anymore. A younger man at church started talking to me, being friendly with me. I figured he was just flirting since he seems to flirt with everyone else. It got more intense, and I began to actually believe he might actually MEAN it. I developed a completely irrational and stupid crush on him. It all culminated with my asking him if he wanted to go to karaoke with me and a friend of mine. I had no motives other than to just spend some time with him outside church. I enjoyed being with him. He made me laugh. He was a lot of fun to be around. He made me feel good about myself too, made me feel pretty.
As has often been the case in the past, the church felt they had to stick their noses in and tell me what I could and could not do. My friend's husband was apprised of the situation by a friend of this guy and he totally reemed him about it. The guy in question then proceeded to write me on facebook and tell me what happened, practically begged me to talk to my friend's husband. He said that he had been yelled at for hitting on me when I KNEW that wasn't the case, that we were just friends etc.
I wrote back, gave him another friend's phone number, he called, and we talked for hours. It SEEMED like a good conversation. Yesterday at church he planned to talk to me in the morning but was intercepted. At night I kind of stayed away from HIM. Now I am sitting here on the computer after having messaged him on facebook to see how he is holding up through all this and he hasn't even answered. I know that he gives blood on mondays. If he is in the middle of that, he may not be able to answer, but I just don't know.
I really believe at this point that he never cared about me at all even as a friend, that he simply thought it would be cool to find a lonely, middle-aged woman and flirt with her, try to make her interested. Hell, maybe he even thought that he was being NICE to me by paying attention to me, that he was taking pity on me. But it kind of appears at this point that he is ignoring me totally now. I have his phone number. I should call him using star 67 and let him know what I think of him. How the hell am I even going to face him at church now?
I am just as mad at MYSELF as I am him. I was such a stupid idiot to fall for all that bullshit. Of course he probably had no idea I even took it seriously. He probably just thought he was engaging in some harmless flirting. At any rate my heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces yet again, and I just don't know how to go on from here. I don't think I can ever do this again, put myself out there like that.
I intend to make my life as good as it can be. I want to lose weight, get a job, get my own place, have a life of my own. I just feel like the other ship has sailed and I need to face the fact that I will be alone for the rest of my life. OTHER people have lived life alone and been happy, right? Why not me?
SHIT! He just messaged me back on facebook finally. He is still acting like we are friends. He told me to be happy, uplifted, that he will talk to me, to be patient. What exactly does all that mean? Is he still playing the "I feel sorry for you, and I will talk to you out of pity" card? It definitely seems obvious that he was never interested in me romantically.
I am much too old for this crap!
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