Survival

     Has been a wild ride with my emotions all over the place.  I fluctuate between being fine, even happy, hopeful, and then it changes without warning to practically wanting to open a vein.  I have a lot of changes I want to make in my life regardless of how that certain someone feels about me, but I find it is still HIM I think of more than anything else.  I have absolutely no idea if he really cares about me at all, and it hurts.  He has been firm about not talking to me at church.  He is too afraid to talk to me there for fear of getting reemed out again.  If we were talking a lot on the computer or the phone, it would be different, but we don't.  He never messages me; I message HIM, and then he only answers me once.  If I write him a second line, he doesn't write back.  and he doesn't call me either.  Seems pretty clear that he isn't interested, but it wasn't like that when he could talk to me at church.  He pursued me like crazy.  So naturally, his behaviour is confusing to me. 
     I watched a movie yesterday that didn't help at ALL, "Eat, Pray, Love."  At one point Julia Roberts is obsessing over an ex-boyfriend.  A friend of hers just tells her, "...miss him.  send him some light and love every time you think of  him, then drop it."  God!  I bawled.  I don't want it to come to that yet.