Anybody Out There?

     What a question-I know nobody really gives a shit.  Even my daughter has a new thing now in which every time I complain about something, she bitches at me for bitching.  So....I guess from now on, this is the only place I can go and talk about things that bother me.  Apparently people want nothing but sweetness and light and for you to shoot rainbows and unicorns out of your ass 24/7.   So be it.  I will shut up.  I am Little Mary Sunshine, Pollyanna from here on out.  I will spend my life kissing people's oh so sensitive butts, telling them the  fake, saccharine bullshit they want to hear and keeping how I REALLY feel to myself.  If I don't have anything positive to say, I will say nothing at all.  When I need advice, commiseration, sympathy, or comfort, I will give it   to MYSELF.  Always knew I was on my own; I just forgot that for awhile.  NO MORE!
     While we're on that subject, I MUST get out of here.  Fuck them all.  If  I'm alone, I may as well REALLY be alone.  The kids bitch every time they have to hear anything remotely negative from me; they bitch whenever they don't get their way in everything; they bitch if they have to do anything to help me...  I'm done.  I refuse to ask ANYONE for ANYTHING EVER from now on.  Someday I will be gone.  I will depend on nobody but me.  If I die alone like I have always feared, so be it; I will be better off.  Nobody will hurt me, let me down again.
     I miss you, my sweet Stephen.  He had his issues like everyone else, and his guilt wouldn't allow him to really let himself love me, but he WAS a good friend.  He was so patient with me even during my mood swings and paranoia, and he always tried to make me feel better.  He just had this way about him-he could find whatever talent you had and bring it out in you.  He could make ANYONE feel special.  I wish I hadn't fallen for him.  I wish I could have just enjoyed his friendship and not spent so much time hurting, wasting my time wanting him to love me back.
     I forgot the rule, you see.  The rule is that Shiela helps other people, loves and comforts THEM and gets no emotional support in return.  Hey-at least Steve supported me as a FRIEND.  Beggars can't be choosers right?  From this day forward, I will take what I can get.  I will ask for nothing and will be thankful for every crumb of love or consideration people are willing to offer.  That's just the way it is.  People are selfish, stupid and rude.  Deal with it, Shiela.

But then maybe the problem is just ME