Yesterday I did something I should not have, and now I may be paying for it. I had to babysit again. It has really begun to bother me because A. Linda always keeps Jeanne out for HOURS, and B. it just feels as if Jeanne doesn't have nearly as much to do with me any more, that I exist mainly now to be her babysitter. I don't know if the latter has any basis in reality, but whoever said emotions were rational.
At any rate, my irritation has built up to the point that I think I took it out on Sam when I was babysitting. I WAS crankier than usual for sure. well, today I have called Jeanne a few times and received no answer. I don't know if she decided to go to church with Linda, or if she is just avoiding me. It is possible that Sam told her mom what a witch I was and she is mad at me now. I tried calling Linda to see if SHE had heard from Jeanne, and I got no answer from her either.
Update-Linda just called me back. Didn't sound like SHE was mad at me, but then she sounded exceptionally cheery which could be her faking it and PRETENDING she isn't mad at me. She does do that. Still haven't heard from Jeanne, although she did go to church with Linda (I found out THAT much). Not sure what to think.
Basically there are a few issues here. I am soooo insecure. I can never truly believe that people really care about me (could it be because in many cases those who SAID they cared treated me the worst of all and hurt me the most?). I am always afraid to disappoint someone or make them angry at me because part of me secretly thinks they are just keeping me around for their own reasons, and that once I cease to be of use to them, or my drawbacks outweigh my benefits to them that they will leave me.
In addition, I do tend to be somewhat negative and get irritated easily. I will find myself even thinking, "Why are you getting so annoyed? The situation isn't that bad, and you should try to relax and enjoy it as much as possible." Why can't I do that? My inability to chill may have cost a friend now.
I need to learn to love me. If I can just do that, what others think won't matter. I can just accept them as they are then, enjoy spending time with them and not continually analyze them, wonder if they care or are using me. Maybe I won't be so critical and irritated either because I won't be filled with underlying bitterness caused by my perception that I am being treated unfairly.
wow-a lot to chew on today.
I am finding it difficult to deal with people right now, including myself. Jeanne is going through such a rough time of it, but unfortunately, she seems intent upon making things far worse by choosing as many bad decisions as possible. In addition, every time I or anyone else makes a suggestion as to how she can rectify the mistakes she has made or make her life a bit better, she immediately summons a million excuses as to why she can't. It's as if she is not only is determined to stay stuck in misery, but is content to WALLOW in it. Much like my grandmother, she hates her life, but appears to want to stay mired in self-pity rather than lift a finger to change her circumstances or get a reign on her emotions to find some peace even in unhappy circumstances. It's like she ENJOYS despair. It is difficult to even be around her. Not that I am much any more. She always chooses to stay alone in her apartment with her daughter and stew rather than be with people who care and might be able to cheer her up. I see her only during one of the million times she has me babysit for her.
As for Linda, she seems to be avoiding me. I call and she always gets another call, asks to go and that she will call back. course she doesn't. I decided that I could not physically handle being on my feet for hours right now and turned down my job, so maybe that is it. She doesn't approve of my decisions, and so avoids the loser like the plague. paranoia? maybe, maybe not.
Another friend only appears to call when she wants something. But then she did drop off cold meds for me yesterday (I have had a miserable cold for a week) and a video from our yoga class I could use at home. Maybe I should just take what i am given and not analyze it, not place sinister ulterior motives on everyone.
Of course that is difficult to do with raging menstrual hormones. I distrust everyone and everything. I can't even trust myself. I have no energy, no drive, no ambition. I am just consumed with an overwhelming lethargy. All I want to do is veg on the couch. I can barely summon the will to do the most mundane of tasks like cleaning or even showering and dressing myself. it sucks. I must fight it or my house will never be clean and I will never improve myself or my situation. I need to learn to be my own best friend, love myself (my best childhood friend is gone too).
Katie and I went to the library yesterday morning for a special screening of "Vertigo." It was great having someone to share that with, being able to discuss the arts I love with my sweet daughter. That is what I want from a ROMANTIC relationship, someone who loves the things I do, someone with whom I can experience the music, films, books, TV shows and art that I adore. I had that with Steve, and I miss that so much. Maybe someday....wow, that is more positive.
Believe it or not, it actually turned out to be just about the best Thanksgiving I have ever had. H was nice later; dinner was great, and I spent quality time with the kids, playing mario party and then watching Garfield's Christmas special and The Big Bang Theory's Thanksgiving episode. after that H left for housesitting, and the kids and I worked on the Christmas tree for awhile before going down to one of their friend's houses for another meal and the movie, "Grown Ups 2." When I got home I saw that Jeanne had called, so I went down there for cheesecake and to hang out with her, her daughter Sam, Jeff (her "friend"), and a female friend of HIS (the reason Jeanne was feeling insecure).
So it was a very busy day full of lots of fun with family, friends and food. it couldn't have been better. anyway, just wanted to say that life doesn't ALWAYS suck, and I can actually be positive from time to time lol.
As you can guess from the title of this post, today is all about love. Jeanne started it. we were watching the Christmas film, "Love Actually", last night, which already had me in a sentimental mood, and then, at the same time, she started talking to me about the man in her life. she has a really good friend. ever since she and her husband separated, she has been slowly beginning to look at the friend as more than a friend. she thought he felt the same, but recent events have made her wonder if this is true. I can see why-the way he always flirts with her and the comments he makes reminds me so much of what happened to ME.
I still don't know why the guy at church flirted and made suggestive comments to me, and then when it came down to the wire, claimed we had been nothing but friends all along. I really hope that isn't happening to Jeanne. It's just so hard to trust. I never had much faith in men to begin with, and now...
No one has any idea how hard it is to want something, but to believe it is virtually impossible. I would love to have someone to share my life with, someone to make love with, to share secrets, to have serious conversations with about the questions of life and the arts, someone who makes me laugh, who has my back. alas, that never will be the case if things stay as they are. I was reminded of that eloquently this morning. H is watching the news. a story came on I felt very passionate about, and I got on my soapbox as I often do lol. after a couple of minutes, he pulls the typical, "you realize I'm not listening to you?" yeah, real charmer huh. apparently, the news was more important. he would rather listen to that than me. I was so hurt (fuck WHY?)and angry. I didn't even bother to bust his chops though. what would it have accomplished except for him getting all pissed and emotionally abusive because I dared to call him on his crappy behavior, and it would have ruined yet another holiday. I just went back to the computer.
The worst part is that I have no faith that I can find anyone else to love. I firmly believe that ship has sailed. I loved once, and he is gone now. anyone else would have big shoes to fill trying to measure up to my dearly departed Steve. He was good and kind, unselfish, supportive, smart, creative, funny, romantic and passionate, all I ever wanted in a man. how could anyone else be like him?
so there you have it. feeling hopeless for the present and future and deeply missing the past. oh-NOW H is alternating between boring documentaries on the history channel and james bond. THIS is going to be SUCH an exciting Thanksgiving.
"If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around." I call bullshit.
The depression has improved, but the last couple of days, I have been overwhelmed with a feeling of discontent. I just want ...something, something new, something different. Is it romantic love? is it a career? Is it money? Is it a new life in another place? is it new friends? is it all of the above? I HAVE developed a new crush (yes I am pretty fickle).
His name is Jonathan Rhys Meyers, and one of the movies I have watched him in does happen to be really touching and romantic. It's always hard for me to watch those. I am so fed up with this body, too, being so fat and unattractive. If I DO want romance, it won't happen with me looking like this. and I feel my friends don't really care much about me-of my two closest ones, one judges me, and I feel the other uses me a lot. and I am DEFINITELY frustrated with having no money and the state America is in. well, I guess it all boils down to stop whining and DO something, right?
Have been experiencing a really rough time lately. My last post was premature at best. Anthony's job hasn't panned out, and I have been made to jump through all kinds of hoops to get mine started. They have asked me to come in 3-4 times now to do things that at other jobs I could have done all at once, and now I have to wait until a date opens up for orientation. It's just so frustrating.
Worse-H has been back to his old tricks. Every day is yet another exercise in "let me tell you why I think you are such a screw up." He rarely speaks to me without complaining about something I have or have not done, and when that is insufficient, he gripes about ways he thinks I let OTHERS take advantage of me. He tells me that I should stand up for myself, say no to them while basically ordering me to kiss HIS ass and do what I am told without complaint. Of course he expresses this paradox without a trace of irony.
Yes, I am on my period again, and my hormones are going crazy, but I am just so damn tired. It's exhausting trying to hold on to hope and self-esteem when you have someone who every day does all they can to destroy it and make you feel worthless. At this moment if you asked me if I want to just die, get it over with, rest and be at peace, I would say yes.
Here I am, back again-I really need to write more often. A lot of changes. My friend, Jeanne, finally had enough. This last time her H, Bob, had to go to the mental hospital he supposedly threatened to kill her, and she got a restraining order, and is getting a divorce.
Me? I now have a job, and it looks like my son, Anthony does too. It won't be easy. I have to walk to the bus stop, take a bus then be on my feet for hours before doing it again on the way home, but it will be worth it. Do I dare hope that things are finally turning around? I'm scared but excited. If things go the way I wish.... I can't even speak it aloud. Has my ability to dream returned?
I think I have made real progress. This morning H did everything in his power to bring me down, to make me as miserable as HE always is. This time I didn't take the bait. I refused to get into a big long discussion about our financial situation which he had initiated for the sole purpose of getting me upset and worried. I simply said that we needed more money, and that to get more money someone would need to get a job-end of story. after all, what else is there to say? why draw it out? like I said, he just wanted to upset me. I won't do it anymore. I am so proud of myself!
One step forward and two steps back. Rest of the week a washout. I have to get moving. I am tired of hurting, not being able to do all I want without pain, and I want to wear cute clothes, be pretty. is just so hard though. all the negativity I have around me. H is like a constant storm cloud overhead and the money situation is dire. In addition, almost every one I know is in the same position, and there are several seriously ill or have had family members ill. Bob is gone mentally, one friend at church is dying, another is close to it. others have been in and out of the hospital. it's awful. maybe it's my age. me and my friends aren't young anymore. just have to keep going I guess, make the most of things. I must shake this feeling of hopelessness.
Started looking for a job today. am not sure how much luck I had. did pick up a couple of applications though, and there actually were a couple of places that were hiring I could apply to online. As hard as I know this will be, I really do want to do this. I am tired of having no money and no control over my own life. I want to be independent, free. Depending on other people sucks. I would like to have my own phone, my own car etc, and not have to ask anyone for anything.
Going out today illustrated this point more than ever. The heat is horrible and I am out of shape, so I asked a friend to take me around. That never happened, so I asked her if she would just drop me off, and I would then hoof it. Finally got her to but only because she was already taking someone else somewhere. That is always the way. She is always doing things for everyone else based on how needy and pathetic she thinks someone is. I guess I am not pathetic enough, so I always get the short shift. well, no more. I want to depend only on ME.
I thought this was great. It really makes a great point, not just about Ben, but about people in general.
this latest quote in the New York Post just really bums me out. Really, it’s a series of quotes combined together that have been getting to me. Let me demonstrate what I mean:
”I look at photographs, the ones that people ask me to sign sometimes, and think, “What are people seeing?” I have had this face for 35 years. I’m never going to change it. But I wouldn’t desire me. I can see beauty in other men. Ryan Gosling? Fuck. George Clooney? Wow. But you can see the enigma in those kind of faces. But I can’t see it in myself at all.” (Margy Rochlin, New York Post, May 5, 2012)
“This face. It’s kind of long. Horsey. Not as in “rah” but as in equestrian… It’s very period, is what I’m trying to say. I’m a bit of an oddity in a modern context. It’d be really nice to wake up looking like, I don’t know, Jake Gyllenhaal and think “Let’s try this on for a day and see how it feels”. But I’ve tried very hard not to be typecast as the posh character in period dramas. That’s the thing I’ve been kicking against — to try and shift class and period and perception all the time.” (Esquire, July 23, 2010)
“What do you most dislike about your appearance? The size and shape of my head. I’ve been likened to Sid from Ice Age.” (Rosanna Greenstreet, The Guardian, 6 January, 2012)
“What is the worst thing anyone’s ever said to you? A blog that said, “The talentless wooden acting of arse-named, horse-faced twot Benedict Cumberbatch.” (Rosanna Greenstreet, The Guardian, 6 January, 2012)
”I’m not gorgeous. But at least I don’t have to worry about taking precious care of my face because it’s my commodity.” (15 August, 2010, Sunday Times)
I don’t particularly enjoy writing fanmail really because it makes me feel silly and I figure it just sits in a box somewhere anyways. Not that I have anything against it, or that I think it’s all ignored. It’s great. It’s just not my division. But I can’t put the thought out of my mind and I sit here wondering how other people reading these quotes are thinking. So I’m making it an open letter because it’s just a blog post anyways.
Now maybe these quotes are just an availability heuristic at work. It’s not like there are fifty of them.
Yet I hate to see someone I admire feeling down about themselves, and I know that we all feel that from time to time, but this has come through enough that I can’t sit on my hands anymore.
I think that often in our lives we’re made to feel “not good enough”. We’re too loud, too quiet, too dumb, too smart, too fat, too thin, too opinionated, too ignorant, and not enough ___. If we could just keep reshaping ourselves, if we could tear out those imperfections in ourselves and become enough of that ceaseless quality in the blank, maybe then we think, maybe we’d be good enough. After all, it’s not often we hear differently. Or believe it.
Certainly not in a time of media submersion, a wealth of advertisements reminding us that we are indeed flawed. Couple that with society’s expectations and our raging battle for self-identity as we try to cram ourselves into those pigeon holes.
Maybe it’s in that din that we forget that beauty can also be found in imperfection. Perfection isn’t the same as beauty, after all. Or happiness or love or inner peace for that matter.
In ourselves, I think, it’s difficult to appreciate those simple imperfections that make us unique. It’s hard for us to perceive something that we see in ourselves as a flaw as a virtue in someone else’s eyes.
(Recognizing the subjective use of “imperfections” to refer to anything that deviates from that image of a flawless human. )
What’s really getting to me I think is the, “I wouldn’t desire me.” And the “I can see beauty in other men. But I can’t see it in myself at all.”
Maybe you can’t see it, but others certainly aren’t lying when they say that they can. A bird can’t see itself making circles on a sun swept sky, but that doesn’t make it any less beautiful to the one looking up from the ground.
So while you might not see your face as beautiful, many people do. I do. I don’t think that being born with Ryan Gosling or George Clooney’s face is what makes a person beautiful.
Now I don’t know what it’s like for any actor to be struggling to escape boxes and fit other boxes to make a role and a living. Not personally. But I do know that the media’s idea of beauty is not reality. We are not what magazines and morning shows and advertisements tell us to be. That is a very narrow, suffocatingly exclusive, and may I say boring idea of human beauty.
People are so much more diverse, unique, different, and beautiful than this narrow mindset affords us.
Why should we walk through life feeling like less because we aren’t the spitting image of beauty expectations in the time that we were born?
Why should we tear ourselves down for flaws we assign to ourselves, when in fact what we see as an imperfection may be beauty and/or perfection to another?
It breaks my heart to hear another person say “I wouldn’t desire me.” Because I know it’s simply not true that you’re undesirable. There’s someone in this world that can see the beauty in each of us even when we can’t see it in ourselves. I also know what it feels like to say that about yourself. In those times, I try to remember other’s faith in me until I can find it in myself again.
So let me help you see it in yourself. And to everyone reading this blog. Please remember that there is beauty in you too. Not just beauty visually, either. I mean that wonderful spark in you that makes you you. You may not always see it or feel it, but be patient with yourself. I’m not saying I have all my shit figured out or that I like myself all the time. Does anyone? If you do you have got to let me in on your secret (though I may suspect that you’re just Tony Stark). But what I’m saying I guess is that I don’t like seeing people I admire feeling down on themselves (especially about your face), I don’t like seeing myself feel down, and I certainly don’t want any of you feeling down. People can be really shitty to each other on the internet sometimes, but we can also choose to be better than that.
sigh-Ben just doesn't get it, and most other people don't either. But we are ALL beautiful in some way,
You ever get to the point in which you feel so completely pathetic that YOU don't even want to be around yourself? yep, that's me. My hormones are all over the place; I am having minor health problems; I have no energy to do anything, and so my house is disgusting; I haven't written anything I am really satisfied with in awhile, and I feel no one loves me again! cue the fucking violins already! I am sick of feeling sorry for myself and feeling neglected just because everyone isn't up my ass 24/7 kissing my feet, but here we are. it's awful. it's like KNOWING you are insane but seemingly unable to do anything about it.
Have finally started an exercise program I have managed to stick to. It is going on the third month now, and I have exercised each day even if only for a few minutes. am so happy. there is actually some definition in my arms and legs now! I guess I just needed to be ready. am having a great time with my friends too. for the first time in years I don't feel lonely. now if I just had Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch at my command to pleasure me whenever I want, life would be perfect lol!
Positive attitude is still here! I can't believe it, but it's great. am so afraid it won't last. It never has before, but somehow this feels different. maybe it's just that I'm finally doing something for myself; I am really indulging my passion for movies, music and books, not worrying so much about the house being spotless and am working on my weight. everything is just that much better. I have always been passionate about life and my music etc, but now... I feel like a kid discovering life for the first time in a way. please, if there is a god somewhere, let this stay!
I'm HORNY!!! enough said lol. I guess this is part of that more positive attitide, being happy, loving myself. I have no idea. All I know is that it is a near constant thing. course having such a huge crush on the cumberlord doesn't help any.
Just one of those things that fuel those fantasies
It's been a long time. A brand new year is already in its second month. I feel that I HAVE made progress. My main New Years' resolution was to lose weight, and this time I am sticking to it. I have gone walking or to the gym every day. Have also been very good at keeping up with my writing. so two main goals chugging along. I find myself much happier as well, or at least content. have good friends in real life and on the net, my house is coming along, am creative and am spending more time doing the things I love. Yes I would say life is good. and this beautiful, talented amazing man is icing on the cake:
