Love Actually

     As you can guess from the title of this post, today is all about love.  Jeanne started it.  we were watching the Christmas film, "Love Actually", last night, which already had me in a sentimental mood, and then, at the same time, she started talking to me about the man in her life. she has a really good friend.  ever since she and her husband separated, she has been slowly beginning to look at the friend as more than a friend.  she thought he felt the same, but recent events have made her wonder if this is true.  I can see why-the way he always flirts with her and the comments he makes reminds me so much of what happened to ME.
     I still don't know why the guy at church flirted and made suggestive comments to me, and then when it came down to the wire, claimed we had been nothing but friends all along.  I really hope that isn't happening to Jeanne. It's just so hard to trust.  I never had much faith in men to begin with, and now...
     No one has any idea how hard it is to want something, but to believe it is virtually impossible.  I would love to have someone to share my life with, someone to make love with, to share secrets, to have serious conversations with about the questions of life and the arts, someone who makes me laugh, who has my back.  alas, that never will be the case if things stay as they are.  I was reminded of that eloquently this morning.  H is watching the news.  a story came on I felt very passionate about, and I got on my soapbox as I often do lol. after a couple of minutes, he pulls the typical, "you realize I'm not listening to you?"  yeah, real charmer huh.  apparently, the news was more important.  he would rather listen to that than me.  I was so hurt (fuck WHY?)and angry.  I didn't even bother to bust his chops though.  what would it have accomplished except for him getting all pissed and emotionally abusive because I dared to call him on his crappy behavior, and it would have ruined yet another holiday.  I just went back to the computer.
     The worst part is that I have no faith that I can find anyone else to love.  I firmly believe that ship has sailed.  I loved once, and he is gone now.  anyone else would have big shoes to fill trying to measure up to my dearly departed Steve.  He was good and kind, unselfish, supportive, smart, creative, funny, romantic and passionate, all I ever wanted in a man.  how could anyone else be like him?
     so there you have it.  feeling hopeless for the present and future and deeply missing the past.  oh-NOW H is alternating between boring documentaries on the history channel and james bond.  THIS is going to be SUCH an exciting Thanksgiving.
     "If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."  I call bullshit.