I'm Not A Psychopath; I'm A High-Functioning Sociopath...

     I have always identified with the character of Sherlock Holmes to a huge degree.  I know I will NEVER be that intelligent, but since so many people are down right stupid, I often DO feel brilliant by comparison lol. More than anything though, it has always been his utter aloneness, his seeming inability to give his heart I respond to.  I never believed that he was simply too cold, nothing more than a thinking machine.  You could see his excitement, his passion, his great depth of feeling when he was working.  I always felt he was a VERY emotional man who had simply learned to CONTROL those emotions, channel them exclusively into his profession.  I felt he had suffered much as a youth, decided that "All lives end.  All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage."
     Sometimes I feel the same way, that human interaction just isn't worth it.  I know part of it is me.  Like Sherlock, I have scars, and I am absolutely incapable of consistently believing that anyone really loves me. Is it my one-time, best childhood friend who completely deserted me as soon as she discovered boys?  I don't remember ever feeling safe with someone, truly close, loving another person and trusting that they loved ME since, not even Steve.  The poor man was a saint to put up with my paranoia and my constant distrust, neediness.
     The question though is how much is me and how much is reality?  I don't want to die alone unremembered, unmourned, and unloved, but at the same time I don't want to be disappointed, hurt by people anymore.  I know that no one is perfect.  we all have our differences; we all make mistakes; we all have bad days, but...  Certain things just hurt, and I have a hard time getting past them.  Last night I practically BEGGED Jeanne to watch Sherlock with me.  I get so excited about things I love and want to share them with those I care about.  Again, when I was young, my friends were ok with this, and invariably they would agree to give something I suggested a chance.  Often they ended up at least LIKING it.  Jeanne flat out refused to try.  It bothered me a lot that I totally disrupt my life all the time to babysit her daughter for free for HOURS, and she wouldn't give ME 90 minutes of her time.
     Maybe if I just follow the advice in that John Cleese psychology book I read once and simply learn to LOVE people and not NEED them, I could carry on relationships successfully.  I could hang out, have fun, have laughs, be a help to them when they ask, but not DEPEND on them.  If I did that, if I met all my needs for love and assistance MYSELF I would not resent it and be hurt when I didn't get it from THEM.  who knows, maybe I wouldn't even mind living and dying alone then. My "friend" Patrice's daughter, Kirsten had a birthday party last week, and I spent most of it by myself, just sitting there listening to music, and I didn't mind at all, sooo...
     Of course even Sherlock had his John.  Have to confess I would like to have at least ONE person who I could believe has my back, who would always be there for me emotionally and physically.  I almost have that with my daughter.  Maybe that can be enough.  Part of me wants marriage, "lots of sex and babies" though lol.  Maybe someday when I am skinny, and am a rich author if Ben is still available lol...  who am I kidding? for the most part, I will always feel that "alone is what I am; alone protects me," and "sentiment is a chemical defect found in the LOSING side."

                                         

In The Valley Again

     Yesterday I did something I should not have, and now I may be paying for it.  I had to babysit again.  It has really begun to bother me because A. Linda always keeps Jeanne out for HOURS, and B. it just feels as if Jeanne doesn't have nearly as much to do with me any more,  that I exist mainly now to be her babysitter.  I don't know if the latter has any basis in reality, but whoever said emotions were rational.
     At any rate, my irritation has built up to the point that I think I took it out on Sam when I was babysitting.  I WAS crankier than usual for sure.  well, today I have called Jeanne a few times and received no answer.  I don't know if she decided to go to church with Linda, or if she is just avoiding me.  It is possible that Sam told her mom what a witch I was and she is mad at me now.  I tried calling Linda to see if SHE had heard from Jeanne, and I got no answer from her either.
     Update-Linda just called me back.  Didn't sound like SHE was mad at me, but then she sounded exceptionally cheery which could be her faking it and PRETENDING she isn't mad at me.  She does do that.  Still haven't heard from Jeanne, although she did go to church with Linda (I found out THAT much).  Not sure what to think.
     Basically there are a few issues here.  I am soooo insecure.   I can never truly believe that people really care about me (could it be because in many cases those who SAID they cared treated me the worst of all and hurt me the most?).  I am always afraid to disappoint someone or make them angry at me because part of me secretly thinks they are just keeping me around for their own reasons, and that once I cease to be of use to them, or my drawbacks outweigh my benefits to them that they will leave me.
     In addition, I do tend to be somewhat negative and get irritated easily.  I will find myself even thinking, "Why are you getting so annoyed?  The situation isn't that bad, and you should try to relax and enjoy it as much as possible."  Why can't I do that?  My inability to chill may have cost a friend now.
     I need to learn to love me.  If I can just do that, what others think won't matter.  I can just accept them as they are then, enjoy spending time with them and not continually analyze them, wonder if they care or are using me.  Maybe I won't be so critical and irritated either because I won't be filled with underlying bitterness caused by my perception that I am being treated unfairly.
     wow-a lot to chew on today.

                                           

More Hormonal Musings

     I am finding it difficult to deal with people right now, including myself.  Jeanne is going through such a rough time of it, but unfortunately, she seems intent upon making things far worse by choosing as many bad decisions as possible.  In addition, every time I or anyone else makes a suggestion as to how she can rectify the mistakes she has made or make her life a bit better, she immediately summons a million excuses as to why she can't.  It's as if she is not only is determined to stay stuck in misery, but is content to WALLOW in it.  Much like my grandmother, she hates her life, but appears to want to stay mired in self-pity  rather than lift a finger to change her circumstances or get a reign on her emotions to find some peace even in unhappy circumstances.  It's like she ENJOYS despair.  It is difficult to even be around her.  Not that I am much any more.  She always chooses to stay alone in her apartment with her daughter and stew rather than be with people who care and might be able to cheer her up.  I see her only during one of the million times she has me babysit for her.
     As for Linda, she seems to be avoiding me.   I call and she always gets another call, asks to go and that she will call back.  course she doesn't.  I decided that I could not physically handle being on my feet for hours right now and turned down my job, so maybe that is it.  She doesn't approve of my decisions, and so avoids the loser like the plague.  paranoia?  maybe, maybe not.
     Another friend only appears to call when she wants something.  But then she did drop off cold meds for me yesterday (I have had a miserable cold for a week) and a video from our yoga class I could use at home.  Maybe I should just take what i am given and not analyze it, not place sinister ulterior motives on everyone.
     Of course that is difficult to do with raging menstrual hormones.  I distrust everyone and everything.  I can't even trust myself.  I have no energy, no drive, no ambition.  I am just consumed with an overwhelming lethargy.  All I want to do is veg on the couch.  I can barely summon the will to do the most mundane of tasks like cleaning or even showering and dressing myself.  it sucks.  I must fight it or my house will never be clean and I will never improve myself or my situation.  I need to learn to be my own best friend, love myself (my best childhood friend is gone too).

                                     

Bohemian Rhapsody

     Katie and I went to the library yesterday morning for a special screening of "Vertigo."  It was great having someone to share that with, being able to discuss the arts I love with my sweet daughter.  That is what I want from a ROMANTIC relationship, someone who loves the things I do, someone with whom I can experience the music, films, books, TV shows and art that I adore.  I had that with Steve, and I miss that so much.               Maybe someday....wow, that is more positive.

                                                     

                             

Sometimes Life Surprises You

     Believe it or not, it actually turned out to be just about the best Thanksgiving I have ever had.  H was nice later; dinner was great, and I spent quality time with the kids, playing mario party and then watching Garfield's Christmas special and The Big Bang Theory's Thanksgiving episode.  after that H left for housesitting, and the kids and I worked on the Christmas tree for awhile before going down to one of their friend's houses for another meal and the movie, "Grown Ups 2."  When I got home I saw that Jeanne had called, so I went down there for cheesecake and to hang out with her, her daughter Sam, Jeff (her "friend"), and a female friend of HIS (the reason Jeanne was feeling insecure).

     So it was a very busy day full of lots of fun with family, friends and food.  it couldn't have been better.  anyway, just wanted to say that life doesn't ALWAYS suck, and I can actually be positive from time to time lol.                                      

Love Actually

     As you can guess from the title of this post, today is all about love.  Jeanne started it.  we were watching the Christmas film, "Love Actually", last night, which already had me in a sentimental mood, and then, at the same time, she started talking to me about the man in her life. she has a really good friend.  ever since she and her husband separated, she has been slowly beginning to look at the friend as more than a friend.  she thought he felt the same, but recent events have made her wonder if this is true.  I can see why-the way he always flirts with her and the comments he makes reminds me so much of what happened to ME.
     I still don't know why the guy at church flirted and made suggestive comments to me, and then when it came down to the wire, claimed we had been nothing but friends all along.  I really hope that isn't happening to Jeanne. It's just so hard to trust.  I never had much faith in men to begin with, and now...
     No one has any idea how hard it is to want something, but to believe it is virtually impossible.  I would love to have someone to share my life with, someone to make love with, to share secrets, to have serious conversations with about the questions of life and the arts, someone who makes me laugh, who has my back.  alas, that never will be the case if things stay as they are.  I was reminded of that eloquently this morning.  H is watching the news.  a story came on I felt very passionate about, and I got on my soapbox as I often do lol. after a couple of minutes, he pulls the typical, "you realize I'm not listening to you?"  yeah, real charmer huh.  apparently, the news was more important.  he would rather listen to that than me.  I was so hurt (fuck WHY?)and angry.  I didn't even bother to bust his chops though.  what would it have accomplished except for him getting all pissed and emotionally abusive because I dared to call him on his crappy behavior, and it would have ruined yet another holiday.  I just went back to the computer.
     The worst part is that I have no faith that I can find anyone else to love.  I firmly believe that ship has sailed.  I loved once, and he is gone now.  anyone else would have big shoes to fill trying to measure up to my dearly departed Steve.  He was good and kind, unselfish, supportive, smart, creative, funny, romantic and passionate, all I ever wanted in a man.  how could anyone else be like him?
     so there you have it.  feeling hopeless for the present and future and deeply missing the past.  oh-NOW H is alternating between boring documentaries on the history channel and james bond.  THIS is going to be SUCH an exciting Thanksgiving.
     "If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."  I call bullshit.

                 

                           

Is This A Mid-life Crisis?

     The depression has improved, but the last couple of days, I have been overwhelmed with a feeling of discontent.  I just want ...something, something new, something different.  Is it romantic love?  is it a career?  Is it money?  Is it a new life in another place?  is it new friends?  is it all of the above?   I HAVE developed a new crush (yes I am pretty fickle).

 His name is Jonathan Rhys Meyers, and one of the movies I have watched him in does happen to be really touching and romantic.  It's always hard for me to watch those.  I am so fed up with this body, too, being so fat and unattractive.  If I DO want romance, it won't happen with me looking like this.  and I feel my friends don't really care much about me-of my two closest ones, one judges me, and I feel the other uses me a lot.  and I am DEFINITELY frustrated with having no money and the state America is in.  well, I guess it all boils down to stop whining and DO something, right?