I'm Not A Psychopath; I'm A High-Functioning Sociopath...

     I have always identified with the character of Sherlock Holmes to a huge degree.  I know I will NEVER be that intelligent, but since so many people are down right stupid, I often DO feel brilliant by comparison lol. More than anything though, it has always been his utter aloneness, his seeming inability to give his heart I respond to.  I never believed that he was simply too cold, nothing more than a thinking machine.  You could see his excitement, his passion, his great depth of feeling when he was working.  I always felt he was a VERY emotional man who had simply learned to CONTROL those emotions, channel them exclusively into his profession.  I felt he had suffered much as a youth, decided that "All lives end.  All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage."
     Sometimes I feel the same way, that human interaction just isn't worth it.  I know part of it is me.  Like Sherlock, I have scars, and I am absolutely incapable of consistently believing that anyone really loves me. Is it my one-time, best childhood friend who completely deserted me as soon as she discovered boys?  I don't remember ever feeling safe with someone, truly close, loving another person and trusting that they loved ME since, not even Steve.  The poor man was a saint to put up with my paranoia and my constant distrust, neediness.
     The question though is how much is me and how much is reality?  I don't want to die alone unremembered, unmourned, and unloved, but at the same time I don't want to be disappointed, hurt by people anymore.  I know that no one is perfect.  we all have our differences; we all make mistakes; we all have bad days, but...  Certain things just hurt, and I have a hard time getting past them.  Last night I practically BEGGED Jeanne to watch Sherlock with me.  I get so excited about things I love and want to share them with those I care about.  Again, when I was young, my friends were ok with this, and invariably they would agree to give something I suggested a chance.  Often they ended up at least LIKING it.  Jeanne flat out refused to try.  It bothered me a lot that I totally disrupt my life all the time to babysit her daughter for free for HOURS, and she wouldn't give ME 90 minutes of her time.
     Maybe if I just follow the advice in that John Cleese psychology book I read once and simply learn to LOVE people and not NEED them, I could carry on relationships successfully.  I could hang out, have fun, have laughs, be a help to them when they ask, but not DEPEND on them.  If I did that, if I met all my needs for love and assistance MYSELF I would not resent it and be hurt when I didn't get it from THEM.  who knows, maybe I wouldn't even mind living and dying alone then. My "friend" Patrice's daughter, Kirsten had a birthday party last week, and I spent most of it by myself, just sitting there listening to music, and I didn't mind at all, sooo...
     Of course even Sherlock had his John.  Have to confess I would like to have at least ONE person who I could believe has my back, who would always be there for me emotionally and physically.  I almost have that with my daughter.  Maybe that can be enough.  Part of me wants marriage, "lots of sex and babies" though lol.  Maybe someday when I am skinny, and am a rich author if Ben is still available lol...  who am I kidding? for the most part, I will always feel that "alone is what I am; alone protects me," and "sentiment is a chemical defect found in the LOSING side."