I am finding it difficult to deal with people right now, including myself. Jeanne is going through such a rough time of it, but unfortunately, she seems intent upon making things far worse by choosing as many bad decisions as possible. In addition, every time I or anyone else makes a suggestion as to how she can rectify the mistakes she has made or make her life a bit better, she immediately summons a million excuses as to why she can't. It's as if she is not only is determined to stay stuck in misery, but is content to WALLOW in it. Much like my grandmother, she hates her life, but appears to want to stay mired in self-pity rather than lift a finger to change her circumstances or get a reign on her emotions to find some peace even in unhappy circumstances. It's like she ENJOYS despair. It is difficult to even be around her. Not that I am much any more. She always chooses to stay alone in her apartment with her daughter and stew rather than be with people who care and might be able to cheer her up. I see her only during one of the million times she has me babysit for her.
As for Linda, she seems to be avoiding me. I call and she always gets another call, asks to go and that she will call back. course she doesn't. I decided that I could not physically handle being on my feet for hours right now and turned down my job, so maybe that is it. She doesn't approve of my decisions, and so avoids the loser like the plague. paranoia? maybe, maybe not.
Another friend only appears to call when she wants something. But then she did drop off cold meds for me yesterday (I have had a miserable cold for a week) and a video from our yoga class I could use at home. Maybe I should just take what i am given and not analyze it, not place sinister ulterior motives on everyone.
Of course that is difficult to do with raging menstrual hormones. I distrust everyone and everything. I can't even trust myself. I have no energy, no drive, no ambition. I am just consumed with an overwhelming lethargy. All I want to do is veg on the couch. I can barely summon the will to do the most mundane of tasks like cleaning or even showering and dressing myself. it sucks. I must fight it or my house will never be clean and I will never improve myself or my situation. I need to learn to be my own best friend, love myself (my best childhood friend is gone too).
Katie and I went to the library yesterday morning for a special screening of "Vertigo." It was great having someone to share that with, being able to discuss the arts I love with my sweet daughter. That is what I want from a ROMANTIC relationship, someone who loves the things I do, someone with whom I can experience the music, films, books, TV shows and art that I adore. I had that with Steve, and I miss that so much. Maybe someday....wow, that is more positive.
Believe it or not, it actually turned out to be just about the best Thanksgiving I have ever had. H was nice later; dinner was great, and I spent quality time with the kids, playing mario party and then watching Garfield's Christmas special and The Big Bang Theory's Thanksgiving episode. after that H left for housesitting, and the kids and I worked on the Christmas tree for awhile before going down to one of their friend's houses for another meal and the movie, "Grown Ups 2." When I got home I saw that Jeanne had called, so I went down there for cheesecake and to hang out with her, her daughter Sam, Jeff (her "friend"), and a female friend of HIS (the reason Jeanne was feeling insecure).
So it was a very busy day full of lots of fun with family, friends and food. it couldn't have been better. anyway, just wanted to say that life doesn't ALWAYS suck, and I can actually be positive from time to time lol.
As you can guess from the title of this post, today is all about love. Jeanne started it. we were watching the Christmas film, "Love Actually", last night, which already had me in a sentimental mood, and then, at the same time, she started talking to me about the man in her life. she has a really good friend. ever since she and her husband separated, she has been slowly beginning to look at the friend as more than a friend. she thought he felt the same, but recent events have made her wonder if this is true. I can see why-the way he always flirts with her and the comments he makes reminds me so much of what happened to ME.
I still don't know why the guy at church flirted and made suggestive comments to me, and then when it came down to the wire, claimed we had been nothing but friends all along. I really hope that isn't happening to Jeanne. It's just so hard to trust. I never had much faith in men to begin with, and now...
No one has any idea how hard it is to want something, but to believe it is virtually impossible. I would love to have someone to share my life with, someone to make love with, to share secrets, to have serious conversations with about the questions of life and the arts, someone who makes me laugh, who has my back. alas, that never will be the case if things stay as they are. I was reminded of that eloquently this morning. H is watching the news. a story came on I felt very passionate about, and I got on my soapbox as I often do lol. after a couple of minutes, he pulls the typical, "you realize I'm not listening to you?" yeah, real charmer huh. apparently, the news was more important. he would rather listen to that than me. I was so hurt (fuck WHY?)and angry. I didn't even bother to bust his chops though. what would it have accomplished except for him getting all pissed and emotionally abusive because I dared to call him on his crappy behavior, and it would have ruined yet another holiday. I just went back to the computer.
The worst part is that I have no faith that I can find anyone else to love. I firmly believe that ship has sailed. I loved once, and he is gone now. anyone else would have big shoes to fill trying to measure up to my dearly departed Steve. He was good and kind, unselfish, supportive, smart, creative, funny, romantic and passionate, all I ever wanted in a man. how could anyone else be like him?
so there you have it. feeling hopeless for the present and future and deeply missing the past. oh-NOW H is alternating between boring documentaries on the history channel and james bond. THIS is going to be SUCH an exciting Thanksgiving.
"If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around." I call bullshit.
The depression has improved, but the last couple of days, I have been overwhelmed with a feeling of discontent. I just want ...something, something new, something different. Is it romantic love? is it a career? Is it money? Is it a new life in another place? is it new friends? is it all of the above? I HAVE developed a new crush (yes I am pretty fickle).
His name is Jonathan Rhys Meyers, and one of the movies I have watched him in does happen to be really touching and romantic. It's always hard for me to watch those. I am so fed up with this body, too, being so fat and unattractive. If I DO want romance, it won't happen with me looking like this. and I feel my friends don't really care much about me-of my two closest ones, one judges me, and I feel the other uses me a lot. and I am DEFINITELY frustrated with having no money and the state America is in. well, I guess it all boils down to stop whining and DO something, right?
Have been experiencing a really rough time lately. My last post was premature at best. Anthony's job hasn't panned out, and I have been made to jump through all kinds of hoops to get mine started. They have asked me to come in 3-4 times now to do things that at other jobs I could have done all at once, and now I have to wait until a date opens up for orientation. It's just so frustrating.
Worse-H has been back to his old tricks. Every day is yet another exercise in "let me tell you why I think you are such a screw up." He rarely speaks to me without complaining about something I have or have not done, and when that is insufficient, he gripes about ways he thinks I let OTHERS take advantage of me. He tells me that I should stand up for myself, say no to them while basically ordering me to kiss HIS ass and do what I am told without complaint. Of course he expresses this paradox without a trace of irony.
Yes, I am on my period again, and my hormones are going crazy, but I am just so damn tired. It's exhausting trying to hold on to hope and self-esteem when you have someone who every day does all they can to destroy it and make you feel worthless. At this moment if you asked me if I want to just die, get it over with, rest and be at peace, I would say yes.
Here I am, back again-I really need to write more often. A lot of changes. My friend, Jeanne, finally had enough. This last time her H, Bob, had to go to the mental hospital he supposedly threatened to kill her, and she got a restraining order, and is getting a divorce.
Me? I now have a job, and it looks like my son, Anthony does too. It won't be easy. I have to walk to the bus stop, take a bus then be on my feet for hours before doing it again on the way home, but it will be worth it. Do I dare hope that things are finally turning around? I'm scared but excited. If things go the way I wish.... I can't even speak it aloud. Has my ability to dream returned?
