Time To Move On?

I may be hormonal, but i think i’m done, really. katie and i had another long conversation about our recent sucky relationship and she just didn’t get it. she saw every comment as me attacking her. she will never understand that she does anything wrong. she thinks i’m just being mean. it’s not going to get better. the daughter i loved is gone forever. it’s time i let go, accept that i’ve lost the last person i had allowed myself to trust and give my heart to. i’m alone, and i need to embrace it.

Sunshine Day

looking outside and it’s a gorgeous day. so sunny and bright. course that also means it’s really hot lol. hopefully the weather will influence my mood, and i will be happy and productive. i’ve really failed this week. bad eating, little exercise, not much housework. haven’t even started reading a new book yet. grrrr! have to stay focused for my health if nothing else.

Hormones!!!

I have been a bit down the last day or so, really hormonal. i am so tired of all this. i have so much i want to get done, and that is impossible when all i want to do is sleep. between that, the side effects of my meds, and keeping track of everything involved with my illnesses, i feel overwhelmed and discouraged today. willpower-have to power through it.

Once More Into The Breach

yes, i did it again-i stopped writing when i promised myself i would keep at it to get in the habit of writing every day. my hope was that that would eventually inspire me to get back to writing for pleasure and/or future publication. i just didn’t have much i really wanted to say. it all seemed so boring and monotonous since so much of my time lately is all about my health and getting better both physically and mentally. important to me but not of much interest to others lol.

the journey does continue though. have had some setbacks in cleaning and exercise cause have felt tired and sick a lot, but i haven’t given up. if i miss days, i just get back to it. and i have not missed a single doctor’s appointment as well as overall eating less and better. a lot of this is thanks to the people who love me. couldn’t do it without them. in the end, it’s up to me to do the work though.

At The Risk Of Sounding Negative...

I haven’t written for awhile because i didn’t have anything to say that didn’t sound totally like whining. not sure if today will be much different. so much to deal with. am feeling entirely overwhelmed. i dread and fear the day when my kids are gone and i’m alone. i need to either attempt and forge a relationship with my husband or make new friends, but both seem so difficult.

i am also facing serious health problems and all the changes i must make to be healthier. lastly, there are financial problems which make the other two things that much more difficult to accomplish. part of me just wants to give up, say it’s simply too much, is too hard, and i can’t do it. but life goes on and you have to live whether you want to or not, so. maybe it’s true that you can fake it until you make it. for now though-

A Journey Begins With One Step

      It’s been really hard the past few days. Was in the hospital last week with a minor skin infection, and i discovered i am no longer borderline diabetic but mildly diabetic. i now have to take my sugar and watch what i eat. that means a lot of the food i love must be limited now. am having a much harder time with the changes than i should.

i’ve been struggling with depression for a long time anyway, looking for reasons to hope, to go on, to be happy. i just don’t know what my place in the world is anymore. ive been a mother for so many years that i have no idea how to be just me at this point. i need a new purpose, new goals, things to look forward to. maybe i can start with the little things i love, that give me pleasure and expand that later to people.

that will be the hardest. i just don’t trust many people, and i have such little self esteem that i have trouble believing that others love me. have a long way to go.

Where I Am

short answer? i don’t really know. my anxiety has improved a LITTLE, but i don’t seem to be very motivated. i have not exercised, written in this blog, or done much cleaning in my house for DAYS. i don’t really understand why. physically i’m better for sure. the swelling in my feet is virtually gone; my blood pressure is good, and no panic attacks. it’s been close, but no full blown ones. emotionally i seem to be getting a bit stronger, able to say how i feel without fear more easily. am i just so focused on getting better emotionally that i am neglecting the practical things i need to do? but then i’ve always lived more in my head than out in the world, sooooo....