You Want Some Cheese With That Whine?

You know how they say that today is the first day of the rest of your life?  Well, it is a trite cliche, but appropriate for me right now.  I really want to feel better, look better, be healthier and happier.  I am 45 years old, and I feel like George Bailey.  I love my family, but I look around and I realize I have done very little in life that I personally wanted to do.  sometimes it's as if I'm living SOMEONE ELSE'S life because things are so far removed from the way I envisioned them, the way I dreamed they would be.

     I remember when my grandmother died.  I said I didn't want to waste my life in unhappiness and bitterness the way she did, feeling nothing at the end but relief that my life was over.  things stayed the same.  I reached the age my mother was when she died.  again I decided it was time to do something, and I didn't.  then I hit 40, the same age at which my beloved John Lennon died, my hero, my inspiration, the one person who has influenced me more than any other-STILL I did nothing.
I can't go on like this any more.  I will be dead before 50 if I don't get in shape, eat better, lose weight.  and if I don't change my life, go after some of my dreams, I won't CARE if I don't last through the next several years.
Still-I can't help feeling it's all useless, that I won't be here long enough to reach any of my goals any way.  maybe it's because my mother died so young: I don't know.  Maybe I'm just tired, tired of having all these dreams that never came true.  realistically I know it's highly unlikely they will EVER come true.  some of them like traveling require money which it doesn't look like I will ever have.  some of them are fairly unattainable because of the statistics against them.    but does that mean I should just give up trying?   sometimes I want to. 

     adding to it all is the horrible situation this country is in.  we are on the brink of collapse.  I can see it clearly even if the sheeple drugged by fast food, reality tv and fox news can't.  it scares me to death.  I wonder what future, if any, my children will have in a world where the wealthy control everything, in which pursuing the all-mighty dollar is more important than the environment, people's safety, health, and even their LIVES.  our country's motto should be changed from "in god we trust", to "I have mine, screw you."  selfishness and greed have been spun into virtues.
     but enough of all this-just rambling I guess.

                                                            

Friend Or Frenemy?

A really rough time of it today.  Having way too much experience with those who use and take advantage, I am perhaps overly sensitive to signs of such a thing.  I acknowledge this, but I am in a situation right now that feels extremely familiar.  I started helping out a friend by babysitting her daughter. That's all it was because she wasn't working and couldn't afford to pay me.  I understood that, and was fine with it.  It didn't take long, though, until she started asking me to do it A LOT.  In addition, she would tell me that she was going to perhaps one place.  Instead, she would end up being gone for HOURS without even calling me to tell me she was going to be gone longer than she had originally planned.  It was nothing for me to meet her daughter at the school bus at 3 or 3:30, do all of her homework with her, feed her dinner (if she even bothered to leave anything for her to eat), which meant MY daughter had to cook OUR dinner, and then not getting home until 9 or 10 pm.  On christmas eve, obviously her daughter was home from school, so when she asked me to babysit, instead of spending time with MY family, I ended up babysitting from sometime that morning until after midnight.  I estimated I was there about 14-16 hours.  

     Keep in mind, this is all for free.  fast forward a few months and she will often call me to babysit at a moment's notice.  No lie, she calls,and when I ask when she needs me it's "whenever you can get here."  she did this to me the other night at about 8:30 or 9:00 pm.  I had already babysat earlier that morning for at least 4-5 hours so she could do some testing for a job (she finally got one this week).  now I am sitting in my nightgown and she calls me to babysit.  She once again didn't get home until midnight.

     All of this wouldn't be quite so bad if there weren't other signs that are indicating that this "friendship" isn't much more than her sucking me dry for all she can get.  from all i've said so far you can see that she thinks nothing of seriously inconveniencing her "friends"-well she also seems to get annoyed every time I or anyone else doesn't immediately give her what she wants.  The most recent time she asked me to babysit at a moment's notice I quite fairly I thought, asked how long it would be.  she says in a somewhat snotty tone, "I don't know shiela."  Yesterday was the kicker though.  she wanted something that wasn't really mine to do for her.  through an honest misunderstanding, a mutual friend of ours asked me if I would do this and thought I said yes.  I didn't really get she was asking, so when I found out the thing in question was already done I naturally was a bit upset.  I made the mistake of talking to the mutual friend though instead of her directly about it.

     My "friend" I have bent over backwards for calls me up all pissy about it.  I explained to her as plainly as I could, that I misunderstood, that I had not realized I was being asked, that I had thought it was done without my knowledge, that was why I had gotten upset, and that I wasn't necessarily saying "no", but that it wasn't my decision, that what she wanted in this case was really up to my son.  I should have realized that our mutual friend wouldn't have done this unless she thought she had my permission, but I have gotten so used to my "friend" getting everything she wants from everyone for free, that I guess it made me overly sensitive.  

     At any rate, she said never mind, that she didn't want it, that she always "pays her own way" (this from a woman who has been using this same mutual friend's extra vehicle complete with free gas for months because the one she owns that someone gave her for free from her church broke down and has been having her brother pay almost all her bills for her for almost a year)and that she had just thought because we were "friends.."

     what does that mean?  that I am supposed to just give her anything she wants for free no questions asked without complaining?  it seems nothing is enough, that she just wants more and more, or at the very least thinks nothing of how much she has made me go out of my way and inconvenienced me. I have rarely EVER asked HER for anything.  when she had a working car she used to ask me sometimes if I wanted to go get groceries with her, but I never asked her to take me.  It was always her offering.  

     I don't know-I'm rambling, and maybe I am too sensitive.  It just feels like she has asked me to go above and beyond.  I should tell her if it's too much, but then she herself should realize that things like over 12 hours of free babysitting on christmas eve is too much.  I dread what's going to happen now that she is working, and she will be paying me.  will she feel even MORE entitled, ask for even MORE because she is giving me what I predict to be a VERY small salary?  I have to ask for something.  my family can't afford for me to work a full time job for free.  we need the money.  what the hell have I gotten myself in to?

                                                   

Rebirth

     There is change in the air.  I feel it.  For the first time in a VERY long time, I am experiencing something that I thought had died in me, REAL hope.  I am afraid to think about it too much for fear of disillusionment, of being disappointed again, but it's there.  I sense light at the end of the tunnel.  It's actually a bit frightening.  I pray more than anything that I will not do anything to mess this up, that I will not allow any minor irritations, hardship or setbacks which I may go through on the way to derail the forward momentum. 

                                                 

Back On The Chain Gang

     A friend of mine has been trying to get a job for a long time.  It finally happened for her, so I will now be babysitting for her daughter.  It is Burger king, so until she gets a better one, I won't get paid much, but it's a start!  Please don't let anything go wrong.  I need this!  I need more financial independence, more freedom.  Now if Katie gets a job too...

                                                           

Accentuate The Positive

     Today I am examining my tendency toward the negative.  Well, maybe it's not so much MY tendency toward negativity but how badly I allow negativity to AFFECT me and cause me to be negative in return.  case in point-I seem to get less done when my husband is home.  he just oozes so much bad mojo that it nearly paralyzes me.  I sit around all day stewing or walking on eggshells wondering what will cause him to go off on one of his famous little temper tantrums next.
     It's a horrible way to live, and if I don't find a way to ignore it, I will NEVER get where I want to go in life.  the PMS hormones I still suffer from make it difficult to be productive as well.  somehow I MUST get past this and do what is best for me.  I even stopped exercising again.  this has to STOP!  I owe it to myself to be healthy, happy and successful!

                                                           

It's A New Life For Me, And I'm Feeling Good

     Looking at my physical symptoms along with my general crabbiness, I am pmsing, but despite all that, I feel pretty good overall, better than I have in a long time.  maybe it is the slight improvement in the financial situation, but something seems to have changed.  I just need to work on my pms-induced lack of ambition, and get the things done that I need to do lol.
     The important thing is that I am shedding all the negativity, the pain, the fear, the anger that has kept me frozen in place.  It's a new day, a new me.  I feel ready to move forward.  all those in my life who wish to join me, I welcome it.  goodbye to anyone and anything that tries to keep me down or hold me back though.  If NO ONE comes with me, I can and WILL make it on my own.  "The cold never bothered me anyway."

                                                   

I'm Ok, You're Ok

                                                 "From childhood’s hour I have not been

                                                  As others were—I have not seen

                                                  As others saw—I could not bring

                                                  My passions from a common spring—

                                                  From the same source I have not taken

                                                  My sorrow—I could not awaken

                                                  My heart to joy at the same tone—

                                                  And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone—...."  Edgar Alan Poe
      I have never felt quite like other people, but lately,  my "uniqueness" had been bothering me more than usual because people seem to be drawing my ATTENTION to it more often than usual.  
     Recently, I went down to Jeanne's with Katie to color Easter eggs.  Sam was making a terrible mess, dipping her hands in the colors like a toddler, ruining them, and at one point eating french fries with those same hands she had just dipped in the food coloring, water and vinegar solution.  perhaps I am much too anal, but I found it immensely silly and disgusting frankly.   I got the distinct impression that I was judged for this, that I was thought of as weird because I was uncomfortable. 
     Allusions have also been made to my claustophobia and my intense love of the arts.  I could tell the other night that my irritation at trying yet again to watch a show I had specifically been asked to come down and watch while everyone else was talking instead also received scrutiny.
     all that to say this.  I suddenly feel better about my weirdness,  and predictably it is because of the arts.  I am binge-watching "Friends" and the way people accept Monica's similar quirks even though she is occasionally teased good heartedly about it is like balm to my freaky little soul.  I am much happier in my own skin.  yes, people, I AM a Monica and I'm proud of it lol.