You Want Some Cheese With That Whine?

You know how they say that today is the first day of the rest of your life?  Well, it is a trite cliche, but appropriate for me right now.  I really want to feel better, look better, be healthier and happier.  I am 45 years old, and I feel like George Bailey.  I love my family, but I look around and I realize I have done very little in life that I personally wanted to do.  sometimes it's as if I'm living SOMEONE ELSE'S life because things are so far removed from the way I envisioned them, the way I dreamed they would be.

     I remember when my grandmother died.  I said I didn't want to waste my life in unhappiness and bitterness the way she did, feeling nothing at the end but relief that my life was over.  things stayed the same.  I reached the age my mother was when she died.  again I decided it was time to do something, and I didn't.  then I hit 40, the same age at which my beloved John Lennon died, my hero, my inspiration, the one person who has influenced me more than any other-STILL I did nothing.
I can't go on like this any more.  I will be dead before 50 if I don't get in shape, eat better, lose weight.  and if I don't change my life, go after some of my dreams, I won't CARE if I don't last through the next several years.
Still-I can't help feeling it's all useless, that I won't be here long enough to reach any of my goals any way.  maybe it's because my mother died so young: I don't know.  Maybe I'm just tired, tired of having all these dreams that never came true.  realistically I know it's highly unlikely they will EVER come true.  some of them like traveling require money which it doesn't look like I will ever have.  some of them are fairly unattainable because of the statistics against them.    but does that mean I should just give up trying?   sometimes I want to. 

     adding to it all is the horrible situation this country is in.  we are on the brink of collapse.  I can see it clearly even if the sheeple drugged by fast food, reality tv and fox news can't.  it scares me to death.  I wonder what future, if any, my children will have in a world where the wealthy control everything, in which pursuing the all-mighty dollar is more important than the environment, people's safety, health, and even their LIVES.  our country's motto should be changed from "in god we trust", to "I have mine, screw you."  selfishness and greed have been spun into virtues.
     but enough of all this-just rambling I guess.