Back On The Chain Gang

     A friend of mine has been trying to get a job for a long time.  It finally happened for her, so I will now be babysitting for her daughter.  It is Burger king, so until she gets a better one, I won't get paid much, but it's a start!  Please don't let anything go wrong.  I need this!  I need more financial independence, more freedom.  Now if Katie gets a job too...

                                                           

Accentuate The Positive

     Today I am examining my tendency toward the negative.  Well, maybe it's not so much MY tendency toward negativity but how badly I allow negativity to AFFECT me and cause me to be negative in return.  case in point-I seem to get less done when my husband is home.  he just oozes so much bad mojo that it nearly paralyzes me.  I sit around all day stewing or walking on eggshells wondering what will cause him to go off on one of his famous little temper tantrums next.
     It's a horrible way to live, and if I don't find a way to ignore it, I will NEVER get where I want to go in life.  the PMS hormones I still suffer from make it difficult to be productive as well.  somehow I MUST get past this and do what is best for me.  I even stopped exercising again.  this has to STOP!  I owe it to myself to be healthy, happy and successful!

                                                           

It's A New Life For Me, And I'm Feeling Good

     Looking at my physical symptoms along with my general crabbiness, I am pmsing, but despite all that, I feel pretty good overall, better than I have in a long time.  maybe it is the slight improvement in the financial situation, but something seems to have changed.  I just need to work on my pms-induced lack of ambition, and get the things done that I need to do lol.
     The important thing is that I am shedding all the negativity, the pain, the fear, the anger that has kept me frozen in place.  It's a new day, a new me.  I feel ready to move forward.  all those in my life who wish to join me, I welcome it.  goodbye to anyone and anything that tries to keep me down or hold me back though.  If NO ONE comes with me, I can and WILL make it on my own.  "The cold never bothered me anyway."

                                                   

I'm Ok, You're Ok

                                                 "From childhood’s hour I have not been

                                                  As others were—I have not seen

                                                  As others saw—I could not bring

                                                  My passions from a common spring—

                                                  From the same source I have not taken

                                                  My sorrow—I could not awaken

                                                  My heart to joy at the same tone—

                                                  And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone—...."  Edgar Alan Poe
      I have never felt quite like other people, but lately,  my "uniqueness" had been bothering me more than usual because people seem to be drawing my ATTENTION to it more often than usual.  
     Recently, I went down to Jeanne's with Katie to color Easter eggs.  Sam was making a terrible mess, dipping her hands in the colors like a toddler, ruining them, and at one point eating french fries with those same hands she had just dipped in the food coloring, water and vinegar solution.  perhaps I am much too anal, but I found it immensely silly and disgusting frankly.   I got the distinct impression that I was judged for this, that I was thought of as weird because I was uncomfortable. 
     Allusions have also been made to my claustophobia and my intense love of the arts.  I could tell the other night that my irritation at trying yet again to watch a show I had specifically been asked to come down and watch while everyone else was talking instead also received scrutiny.
     all that to say this.  I suddenly feel better about my weirdness,  and predictably it is because of the arts.  I am binge-watching "Friends" and the way people accept Monica's similar quirks even though she is occasionally teased good heartedly about it is like balm to my freaky little soul.  I am much happier in my own skin.  yes, people, I AM a Monica and I'm proud of it lol.

       

                      

     

     

The Meaning Of Life

     http://www.upworthy.com/what-the-hell-do-people-believe-in-if-they-dont-believe-in-god-this-guy-has-one-heck-of-an-answer?c=ufb1

I found that video on facebook and loved it.  It really poses an interesting question-where do we find purpose in life? The answer Stephen Frye comes up with is a simple one-our individual purpose is found in what we love the most, what gives us joy.  
     MY answer is probably the arts.  Films, art, books, and music just transport me to another world, something that only sitting outside during a lovely day or night can also accomplish.  Not very many people understand this.  if you love these things too much they consider you to be a daydreamer, someone who has no place in the "real" world.  I have heard that over and over.  I don't get it though.  The majority of our "real" life is pretty freaking boring unless you are wealthy and can afford to go to all kinds of new places and have new experiences.  so what's wrong with loving the fictional worlds created by others?  and why can't one still participate in "real" life along WITH the imaginary one?  In addition, as I have discussed here before, I feel that art, books, music, and films shine a light on humanity so well; they open up a terrific philosophical debate about people, their characters and motives.
     But what PRACTICAL purpose does speculating about humanity hold?  Is it useful at all?  Well, you could technically ask the same thing about many other pursuits, even some branches of science such as theoretical physics.  None of it can be entirely proven, and it doesn't really impact people's daily lives.                 History, philosophy, psychology, and sociology are all interests that largely involve thinking rather than tangible ACTION.  Is that the REAL issue then that people have with individuals such as me?  like people who use that old cliche, "those who can't DO, teach",  they believe that only those things outside ourselves matter, that self-reflection is useless; value is found solely in pursuits with other people, FOR other people, and in activities that concern physical survival?
     That's what it breaks down to isn't it?  They feel something has to be "practical" ,or it must concern something you DID, or something someone you KNOW did, rather than what you THINK about, or something that just makes you happy without any other tangible benefit.  I have no doubt they think I am silly talking on and on about movies I love etc.  I should be talking about more "real" life subjects like the crap I took this morning I suppose.  Movies, books, music, art, etc are just silly "entertainment" as opposed to the vast importance of a blow by blow recap of the few daily activities my limited money allows me to engage in, right?  It's not like I can afford to jet off to Europe and then talk about THAT.
     Only if I did nothing but sit in my house, refuse to interact with other people and immerse myself in fiction would they have a point in my opinion.  Maybe when I finish my book, sell it and make money giving others the mindless "entertainment" they disdain will they take me seriously.  In the meantime, HE gets it:

                                                     

Ch-Ch-Ch Changes

     I have reached another point in which I say enough is enough, time to change things for good.  H threw away another job because the client pissed him off.  I guess his pride is more important than making sure his family has a place to live.  some good news though-my son got his first job, and there is a hotel just down the road hiring for desk clerk, so I might be able to work as well.  In addition, there are two new places opening up where my DAUGHTER might be able to apply.  If we all band together we might be able to do this, take care of ourselves so we no longer have to rely on napoleon.  I NEED that.  I was once a strong, independent person.  I want so much to find her again, and maybe this time, I will.  One can only hope.

                                                           

I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve...

     I am hormonal again.  The one good thing about it is that it DOES have a tendency to make me take stock of my life and think about the things that aren't working.  In keeping with that gift, last night I had a long talk with my daughter about the main issue that invariably comes up at this time, my so-called friends.  I have had so many problems with both of the closest ones which I have detailed here NUMEROUS times.  Of course the real crux of the matter is that I have a hard time believing that they really care about me (I have also discussed THAT here).  In the past, I usually just ended up writing off  all my misgivings as simply PMS induced paranoia and forgot about it until the NEXT occasion.  Last night was different.
     I started comparing the past and my previous relationships to the present in an attempt to figure out if all this really IS me, or if maybe I am actually a bit RIGHT in believing Jeanne and Linda are kind of sucky friends.  I came to some very interesting and enlightening  conclusions.
     1.  I had both friends that I loved like siblings and a couple of frenemies that hurt me terribly.  I don't recall EVER being confused as to which was which.
     2.  I was in a sense the leader in our circle. My friends valued my opinion,  almost looked up to me in fact.  They even argued over me a little on occasion, envied how much time I spent with OTHER friends.
     3.  I never felt alone.  I had no doubt that if I needed a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on that SOMEONE always had my back.
    4.  Most importantly, I BELIEVED in my friends.  I NEVER doubted their love for me.
     I really can't say that too much of this applies to the present.  Number 2 DEFINITELY doesn't apply.  But then, I was a bit older, a bit more mature than my years, and so my younger friends would NATURALLY have looked up to me a bit.  Now I am the younger one, so my friends probably feel THEY know more.  Not sure exactly.  Am I missing being the leader, the one everyone turned to for wisdom, guidance and advice?  Is it a power trip on my part, or do I simply feel ignored now?  Do I believe that my current friends don't care about my opinions, don't think I have much of value to contribute?
     The last two are the most troubling.  There is obviously a REASON I doubt my current friends when I never did in the past, and I keep going back to #3.  Linda has been spending a LOT of time with Jeanne lately.  She is always calling her and going over to her house.  she NEVER comes to mine, and it is only once in a blue moon that she ever CALLS me.  Jeanne only seems to call me if she wants something.  There are a few occasions in which this is not the case though, so maybe it IS hormones which makes me feel neglected in HER case to some extent.
     I  just don't know.  I DO know that I miss that feeling of togetherness, the love I had with my childhood friends,and I don't know how to get it back, if it is even possible with the people in my life now.  can linda ever stop being judgmental, accept me for who I am and actually stop trying to save the world long enough to spend time with me?  can jeanne ever stop talking about herself and Jeff long enough to interest herself in MY life occasionally as well?  if they CAN'T, are they actually bad friends?  or am I asking too much of them, and I simply need to trust in their affection anyway, ignore my hurt feelings and take what I can get?  who the hell knows at this point?