I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve...

     I am hormonal again.  The one good thing about it is that it DOES have a tendency to make me take stock of my life and think about the things that aren't working.  In keeping with that gift, last night I had a long talk with my daughter about the main issue that invariably comes up at this time, my so-called friends.  I have had so many problems with both of the closest ones which I have detailed here NUMEROUS times.  Of course the real crux of the matter is that I have a hard time believing that they really care about me (I have also discussed THAT here).  In the past, I usually just ended up writing off  all my misgivings as simply PMS induced paranoia and forgot about it until the NEXT occasion.  Last night was different.
     I started comparing the past and my previous relationships to the present in an attempt to figure out if all this really IS me, or if maybe I am actually a bit RIGHT in believing Jeanne and Linda are kind of sucky friends.  I came to some very interesting and enlightening  conclusions.
     1.  I had both friends that I loved like siblings and a couple of frenemies that hurt me terribly.  I don't recall EVER being confused as to which was which.
     2.  I was in a sense the leader in our circle. My friends valued my opinion,  almost looked up to me in fact.  They even argued over me a little on occasion, envied how much time I spent with OTHER friends.
     3.  I never felt alone.  I had no doubt that if I needed a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on that SOMEONE always had my back.
    4.  Most importantly, I BELIEVED in my friends.  I NEVER doubted their love for me.
     I really can't say that too much of this applies to the present.  Number 2 DEFINITELY doesn't apply.  But then, I was a bit older, a bit more mature than my years, and so my younger friends would NATURALLY have looked up to me a bit.  Now I am the younger one, so my friends probably feel THEY know more.  Not sure exactly.  Am I missing being the leader, the one everyone turned to for wisdom, guidance and advice?  Is it a power trip on my part, or do I simply feel ignored now?  Do I believe that my current friends don't care about my opinions, don't think I have much of value to contribute?
     The last two are the most troubling.  There is obviously a REASON I doubt my current friends when I never did in the past, and I keep going back to #3.  Linda has been spending a LOT of time with Jeanne lately.  She is always calling her and going over to her house.  she NEVER comes to mine, and it is only once in a blue moon that she ever CALLS me.  Jeanne only seems to call me if she wants something.  There are a few occasions in which this is not the case though, so maybe it IS hormones which makes me feel neglected in HER case to some extent.
     I  just don't know.  I DO know that I miss that feeling of togetherness, the love I had with my childhood friends,and I don't know how to get it back, if it is even possible with the people in my life now.  can linda ever stop being judgmental, accept me for who I am and actually stop trying to save the world long enough to spend time with me?  can jeanne ever stop talking about herself and Jeff long enough to interest herself in MY life occasionally as well?  if they CAN'T, are they actually bad friends?  or am I asking too much of them, and I simply need to trust in their affection anyway, ignore my hurt feelings and take what I can get?  who the hell knows at this point?