I found that video on facebook and loved it. It really poses an interesting question-where do we find purpose in life? The answer Stephen Frye comes up with is a simple one-our individual purpose is found in what we love the most, what gives us joy.
MY answer is probably the arts. Films, art, books, and music just transport me to another world, something that only sitting outside during a lovely day or night can also accomplish. Not very many people understand this. if you love these things too much they consider you to be a daydreamer, someone who has no place in the "real" world. I have heard that over and over. I don't get it though. The majority of our "real" life is pretty freaking boring unless you are wealthy and can afford to go to all kinds of new places and have new experiences. so what's wrong with loving the fictional worlds created by others? and why can't one still participate in "real" life along WITH the imaginary one? In addition, as I have discussed here before, I feel that art, books, music, and films shine a light on humanity so well; they open up a terrific philosophical debate about people, their characters and motives.
But what PRACTICAL purpose does speculating about humanity hold? Is it useful at all? Well, you could technically ask the same thing about many other pursuits, even some branches of science such as theoretical physics. None of it can be entirely proven, and it doesn't really impact people's daily lives. History, philosophy, psychology, and sociology are all interests that largely involve thinking rather than tangible ACTION. Is that the REAL issue then that people have with individuals such as me? like people who use that old cliche, "those who can't DO, teach", they believe that only those things outside ourselves matter, that self-reflection is useless; value is found solely in pursuits with other people, FOR other people, and in activities that concern physical survival?
That's what it breaks down to isn't it? They feel something has to be "practical" ,or it must concern something you DID, or something someone you KNOW did, rather than what you THINK about, or something that just makes you happy without any other tangible benefit. I have no doubt they think I am silly talking on and on about movies I love etc. I should be talking about more "real" life subjects like the crap I took this morning I suppose. Movies, books, music, art, etc are just silly "entertainment" as opposed to the vast importance of a blow by blow recap of the few daily activities my limited money allows me to engage in, right? It's not like I can afford to jet off to Europe and then talk about THAT.
Only if I did nothing but sit in my house, refuse to interact with other people and immerse myself in fiction would they have a point in my opinion. Maybe when I finish my book, sell it and make money giving others the mindless "entertainment" they disdain will they take me seriously. In the meantime, HE gets it:
I have reached another point in which I say enough is enough, time to change things for good. H threw away another job because the client pissed him off. I guess his pride is more important than making sure his family has a place to live. some good news though-my son got his first job, and there is a hotel just down the road hiring for desk clerk, so I might be able to work as well. In addition, there are two new places opening up where my DAUGHTER might be able to apply. If we all band together we might be able to do this, take care of ourselves so we no longer have to rely on napoleon. I NEED that. I was once a strong, independent person. I want so much to find her again, and maybe this time, I will. One can only hope.
I am hormonal again. The one good thing about it is that it DOES have a tendency to make me take stock of my life and think about the things that aren't working. In keeping with that gift, last night I had a long talk with my daughter about the main issue that invariably comes up at this time, my so-called friends. I have had so many problems with both of the closest ones which I have detailed here NUMEROUS times. Of course the real crux of the matter is that I have a hard time believing that they really care about me (I have also discussed THAT here). In the past, I usually just ended up writing off all my misgivings as simply PMS induced paranoia and forgot about it until the NEXT occasion. Last night was different.
I started comparing the past and my previous relationships to the present in an attempt to figure out if all this really IS me, or if maybe I am actually a bit RIGHT in believing Jeanne and Linda are kind of sucky friends. I came to some very interesting and enlightening conclusions.
1. I had both friends that I loved like siblings and a couple of frenemies that hurt me terribly. I don't recall EVER being confused as to which was which.
2. I was in a sense the leader in our circle. My friends valued my opinion, almost looked up to me in fact. They even argued over me a little on occasion, envied how much time I spent with OTHER friends.
3. I never felt alone. I had no doubt that if I needed a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on that SOMEONE always had my back.
4. Most importantly, I BELIEVED in my friends. I NEVER doubted their love for me.
I really can't say that too much of this applies to the present. Number 2 DEFINITELY doesn't apply. But then, I was a bit older, a bit more mature than my years, and so my younger friends would NATURALLY have looked up to me a bit. Now I am the younger one, so my friends probably feel THEY know more. Not sure exactly. Am I missing being the leader, the one everyone turned to for wisdom, guidance and advice? Is it a power trip on my part, or do I simply feel ignored now? Do I believe that my current friends don't care about my opinions, don't think I have much of value to contribute?
The last two are the most troubling. There is obviously a REASON I doubt my current friends when I never did in the past, and I keep going back to #3. Linda has been spending a LOT of time with Jeanne lately. She is always calling her and going over to her house. she NEVER comes to mine, and it is only once in a blue moon that she ever CALLS me. Jeanne only seems to call me if she wants something. There are a few occasions in which this is not the case though, so maybe it IS hormones which makes me feel neglected in HER case to some extent.
I just don't know. I DO know that I miss that feeling of togetherness, the love I had with my childhood friends,and I don't know how to get it back, if it is even possible with the people in my life now. can linda ever stop being judgmental, accept me for who I am and actually stop trying to save the world long enough to spend time with me? can jeanne ever stop talking about herself and Jeff long enough to interest herself in MY life occasionally as well? if they CAN'T, are they actually bad friends? or am I asking too much of them, and I simply need to trust in their affection anyway, ignore my hurt feelings and take what I can get? who the hell knows at this point?
Read this article today on facebook. Some real food for thought here:
No One Really CaresP
Believe it or not, we're not that special. We go through our days thinking about how other people might be judging us. But the truth is—those people are thinking the exact same thing. No one in today's "smartphone-crazed" society has time in their schedule to think more than a brief second about us. The fact of the matter is, when we do have time get our thoughts straight, we're too busy thinking about ourselves and our own shortcomings—not others.P
A study done by the National Science Foundation claims that people have, on average, 50,000 plus thoughts a day. This means that even if someone thought about us ten times in one day, it's only 0.02%of their overall daily thoughts. It is a sad but simple truth that the average person filters their world through their ego, meaning that they think of most things relating to "me" or "my." This means that unless you have done something that directly affects another person or their life, they are not going to spend much time thinking about you at all.P
I've always enjoyed watching performers trying to hustle for some change at New York City train stations. These guys simply don't give a F@$%. But the more interesting observation I made is how the spectators react. Rather than watching the actual performers, most people are looking around to see how other people are reacting. If people were laughing, they would start laughing too. But if people weren't paying attention, they would also pay no mind.P
Even when provided with the blatantly obvious opportunity to judge someone, people are still thinking about how others may perceive them. Once you understand that this is how people's minds works, it's a big step towards freedom.P
You Can't Please EveryoneP
It's impossible to live up to everyone's expectations. There will always be people—no matter what we say or how we treat them—that will judge us. Whether you're at the gym, at work, taking the train, or even online playing Call of Duty. Even now it's happening. You will never be able to stop people from judging you, but you can stop it from affecting you.P
Think about the worst thing that could possibly happen when someone is judging you or what you're doing. I guarantee that chances are—nothing will happen. Absolutely nothing. No one is going to go out of their busy lives to confront us, or even react for that matter. Because as I mentioned before, no one actually cares. What will happen is that these people will actually respect you for claiming your ground. They may disagree with you, but they'll respect you.P
Start standing up for what you believe in—causes, opinions, anything. You're going to have people that disagree with you anyways, so why not express how you truly feel? I've learned that it's better to be lovedby a few people you care about, than to be liked by everyone. These are family, friends, your spouse—the people who love you for who you are, and the people who will be there for you during your worst times. Focus on these people. They're the only people that matter.P
You Reap What You SowP
Worrying too much about what other people think can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, because the way we think starts to become the way we behave. P
These individuals become people-pleasers and are overly accommodating to others, thinking it will stop them from being judged. In fact, the opposite is true. Most people don't like push-overs and are turned off by it. The behavior we use in an attempt to please others, can actually cause the opposing effect. This means that if you're a push-over, then you're going to be attracting others in your life who are also push-overs. Vice versa. This can be quite a dangerous path to go down if you don't recognize its consequences.P
It's been said that we are the average of the five people we hang out with the most. When we start to attract and associate with the same people that share our weaknesses —we're stuck. We stop growing, because there's no one to challenge us to be better. We start thinking that this is the norm and we remain comfortable. This is not a place you want to be.P
Now let's talk about the cure. Here are five ways to stop giving a F@$%.P
First and foremost. You need to know what's important to you in life, what you truly value, and what you're ultimately aiming for. Once you know who you really are and what matters to you, what other people think of you becomes significantly less important. When you know your values, you'll have something to stand up for —something you believe in.P
You'll stop saying yes to everything. Instead, you'll learn to say no when friends pressure you to go bar-hopping, or when a tempting business opportunity distracts you from your business. When you have your values straight, you have your shit straight.P
2. Put Yourself Out ThereP
Now that you know what your values are, it's time to put yourself out there. This can be done several ways. Here are a few suggestions:P
Keep in mind that when you're doing any of these activities, you have to speak your mind. Be honest with yourself and what you share, because the world doesn't need another conflict-avoider who does what everyone else does.P
Surround yourself with people who are self-assured, and live life without comprising their core values. These people will rub off on you quickly.P
One of my best friends, Cody, has been a big influence on me. Having spent the summer with him, I've observed countless times where he strongly voiced his opinion on controversial topics. What I learned was that he was simply voicing opinions that people already had in their heads, but were too afraid to voice. People admired him for being so honest and direct, even when they disagreed with his views. Thanks for not giving a F@$%, Cody.P
4. Create a "Growth List"P
OK, now we're getting personal. I haven't told anyone this, but I have this list called the "Growth List." A Growth List is comprised of all the things in life that makes you uncomfortable. These are fears, insecurities—anything that gives you the jitters. Here's how it works.P
You start by writing all the things that make you feel uncomfortable. Then one-by-one, you do them. Once you complete the task, you move on to the next. Repeat.P
My first growth task was taking a cold shower (The Flinch). I turned the water as cold as it could get, and I could feel my body shake before I even entered the shower. This was the inner bullshit voice in my head talking. It was hard at first. But surprisingly, it got easier the second time. Then even easier the third time. Before I knew it, my body stopped shaking—I was no longer uncomfortable; I'd conquered my fear.P
This exercise does wonders. I have yet to find a better way to get out of my comfort zone. You can read all the books in the world about being confident or getting over your fears, but if you don't take action, you're just someone who's read how to ride a bicycle without ever having ridden one.P
5. Travel AloneP
If you're looking for an ultimate transformation that combines all of the points above, you should travel alone. Traveling with other people can be fun, but you won't get the opportunity to truly get out of your comfort zone. You'll be exposed to different social cultures, break social norms that you didn't even know existed, and ultimately, be forced to burst out of your small bubble.P
Bring as little as possible, and fit everything into one backpack. Plan nothing, except for a one-way flight ticket to your destination—figure everything else out when you're there. Trust me, you'll be just fine. It won't be easy initially, but don't get discouraged. Being comfortable with the uncomfortable will grow with time. I continue to struggle with it everyday, as do many others. But you need to get started today.P
The world is already full of people who obey the status quo. But the people who don't give a F@$% are the ones that change the world. Be the latter. Start living life the way you want, be fearless like you once were as a child, and always, always stand up for the truth.
I have felt a bit depressed and lost since Wednesday at least, teetering on the edge between love and giving up on humanity entirely as I often do when I am pmsing, but now there is something added to the mix. I also harbor doubts about my church during these hormonal times. this is infinitely worse though. I have been faced with what horrible, hateful, selfish, bigots the fundamentalist christian is anew and in addition, the pastor I expressed doubts about here at least a year ago has been apparently exposed for the shyster he is and been drummed out of the church! god! never thought I would see the day. Am glad for the house cleaning, but the reaction of the church is deplorable. as usual, there is a complete gag order. don't people have a right to know WHY their preacher is gone? of course not-let's sweep it all under the rug so he can go do it somewhere else. am just done. my daughter wants to go back though so she can see what has happened to the church she has attended since she was five.
It's kind of sad really. when this guy was merely a VISITING preacher and hadn't shown his true colors, I LIKED him so much. His sermons were positive; he was funny, and he SEEMED nice. What a disillusionment. just like all the rest. so yeah, today I feel betrayed by the entire human race. oh, and did I mention that linda told Jeanne and not me, and that jeanne was the one I heard it from? yeah, people suck and just let you down.
I have always identified with the character of Sherlock Holmes to a huge degree. I know I will NEVER be that intelligent, but since so many people are down right stupid, I often DO feel brilliant by comparison lol. More than anything though, it has always been his utter aloneness, his seeming inability to give his heart I respond to. I never believed that he was simply too cold, nothing more than a thinking machine. You could see his excitement, his passion, his great depth of feeling when he was working. I always felt he was a VERY emotional man who had simply learned to CONTROL those emotions, channel them exclusively into his profession. I felt he had suffered much as a youth, decided that "All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage."
Sometimes I feel the same way, that human interaction just isn't worth it. I know part of it is me. Like Sherlock, I have scars, and I am absolutely incapable of consistently believing that anyone really loves me. Is it my one-time, best childhood friend who completely deserted me as soon as she discovered boys? I don't remember ever feeling safe with someone, truly close, loving another person and trusting that they loved ME since, not even Steve. The poor man was a saint to put up with my paranoia and my constant distrust, neediness.
The question though is how much is me and how much is reality? I don't want to die alone unremembered, unmourned, and unloved, but at the same time I don't want to be disappointed, hurt by people anymore. I know that no one is perfect. we all have our differences; we all make mistakes; we all have bad days, but... Certain things just hurt, and I have a hard time getting past them. Last night I practically BEGGED Jeanne to watch Sherlock with me. I get so excited about things I love and want to share them with those I care about. Again, when I was young, my friends were ok with this, and invariably they would agree to give something I suggested a chance. Often they ended up at least LIKING it. Jeanne flat out refused to try. It bothered me a lot that I totally disrupt my life all the time to babysit her daughter for free for HOURS, and she wouldn't give ME 90 minutes of her time.
Maybe if I just follow the advice in that John Cleese psychology book I read once and simply learn to LOVE people and not NEED them, I could carry on relationships successfully. I could hang out, have fun, have laughs, be a help to them when they ask, but not DEPEND on them. If I did that, if I met all my needs for love and assistance MYSELF I would not resent it and be hurt when I didn't get it from THEM. who knows, maybe I wouldn't even mind living and dying alone then. My "friend" Patrice's daughter, Kirsten had a birthday party last week, and I spent most of it by myself, just sitting there listening to music, and I didn't mind at all, sooo...
Of course even Sherlock had his John. Have to confess I would like to have at least ONE person who I could believe has my back, who would always be there for me emotionally and physically. I almost have that with my daughter. Maybe that can be enough. Part of me wants marriage, "lots of sex and babies" though lol. Maybe someday when I am skinny, and am a rich author if Ben is still available lol... who am I kidding? for the most part, I will always feel that "alone is what I am; alone protects me," and "sentiment is a chemical defect found in the LOSING side."
Yesterday I did something I should not have, and now I may be paying for it. I had to babysit again. It has really begun to bother me because A. Linda always keeps Jeanne out for HOURS, and B. it just feels as if Jeanne doesn't have nearly as much to do with me any more, that I exist mainly now to be her babysitter. I don't know if the latter has any basis in reality, but whoever said emotions were rational.
At any rate, my irritation has built up to the point that I think I took it out on Sam when I was babysitting. I WAS crankier than usual for sure. well, today I have called Jeanne a few times and received no answer. I don't know if she decided to go to church with Linda, or if she is just avoiding me. It is possible that Sam told her mom what a witch I was and she is mad at me now. I tried calling Linda to see if SHE had heard from Jeanne, and I got no answer from her either.
Update-Linda just called me back. Didn't sound like SHE was mad at me, but then she sounded exceptionally cheery which could be her faking it and PRETENDING she isn't mad at me. She does do that. Still haven't heard from Jeanne, although she did go to church with Linda (I found out THAT much). Not sure what to think.
Basically there are a few issues here. I am soooo insecure. I can never truly believe that people really care about me (could it be because in many cases those who SAID they cared treated me the worst of all and hurt me the most?). I am always afraid to disappoint someone or make them angry at me because part of me secretly thinks they are just keeping me around for their own reasons, and that once I cease to be of use to them, or my drawbacks outweigh my benefits to them that they will leave me.
In addition, I do tend to be somewhat negative and get irritated easily. I will find myself even thinking, "Why are you getting so annoyed? The situation isn't that bad, and you should try to relax and enjoy it as much as possible." Why can't I do that? My inability to chill may have cost a friend now.
I need to learn to love me. If I can just do that, what others think won't matter. I can just accept them as they are then, enjoy spending time with them and not continually analyze them, wonder if they care or are using me. Maybe I won't be so critical and irritated either because I won't be filled with underlying bitterness caused by my perception that I am being treated unfairly.
wow-a lot to chew on today.
