Early Morning Blues And Greens

     short one today-i am going for my first counseling session this afternoon. i am excited, hopeful and nervous. am hoping for a real new beginning, that this will be the first step in a new life for me. i want to do better, feel better, be happier. i intend to write down some things i want to bring up with the counseler. hopefully wont be way too many lol.

There's Still Lots Of Good In The World

     i was on meds for my anxiety disorder and that helped, so i got complacent and didn't try very hard to get the counseling i needed to go along with it. unfortunately, (or inevitably) i was unable to keep going to the doctor and couldn't refill my prescription.  disaster-my illness got a lot worse.
     i've been trying to get back to the doctor for awhile, but i couldn't find a ride.  i was getting discouraged as i am prone to do, was even questioning the whole human race again lol, but then a near miracle happened: a friend of katie's who barely knows me said yes.  i can not begin to say how grateful i am that this young man would go out of his way to help a friend's MOTHER.  my good samaritan, you have made me hope again.  24 hours still for something to go wrong though lol.

                                         

The Definition Of Insanity

     How many times have i been here now, saying i will write in this blog, i will make positive changes in my life, finish projects, and haven't done it?   well, hope spring eternal.  less pressure though-starting this now to get used to writing every day.  we will see what happens.  no expectations at first.  i have sooo much to do that if i try it all at once it will overwhelm me. one thing at a time, little by little, add more, and hopefully i will get where i need to go.  please don't let me fail again.

                                         

Moving On

     I am not sure if I've made an entire post about this before (probably), but I feel compelled to write once more, hopefully for the last time.  I can't promise though, because I never seem to be able to follow through on ANYTHING. I always said the people I grew up with whined about their lives but did nothing to change it.  it appears I've become just like them, stuck in the same miserable rut yet not really attempting to move an inch.  here's hoping this is the first in a series of attempts to break that pattern forever.
     I met someone years ago during possibly the lowest point of my life whom i grew to believe was a good friend.  we spent time together, had fun, she helped me when i needed it and listened when i often needed to talk.  i didn't know that she has a huge savior complex.  she gravitates toward those who need her help and devotes all her energy to them-until she encounters someone MORE needy.  i was eventually replaced.  she started spending most of her time with someone else while i could barely get her on the phone.
     over the years things have only gotten worse because i also rejected the last thing that kept us connected-church.  to be fair though, by the time i quit going, her husband had been driving me instead of her for YEARS, and she usually didn't even sit with me during service.  i know she blames me; she has hinted at this, that i basically wanted a shoulder to cry on then abandoned her when that changed.  i might consider this if not for the fact that I have watched her follow the same pattern she followed with me not once, but three more times. she adopts someone who needs her help; they become inseparable, and then she tosses them aside for the next charity case.
     as ashamed as i am to admit it, i kind of turned into the person she accuses me of.  i don't call her often unless i need a ride somewhere.  i guess i just gave up on a more intimate friendship, figuring she would only spend time with me if i was in trouble and needed help.  in a way then, i suppose i gave her what she wants lol.  at any rate, i really did need a ride somewhere recently and she was, as usual, helping someone else out and too busy.  i can't do it any more.  maybe i will still contact her, but i really need to never ask for her help or to spend time with me ever again.  i will always be pushed aside for her newest project.  here's hoping i stick to it this time.  never again.

                                                                   

You Can't Always Get What You Want...

     Made a total ass of myself yesterday.  I have tried so hard all my life not to want too much because, all too often, I have been disappointed and hurt when it fell through.  well...my daughter's friend offered to get us a kitten for christmas.  I let myself get all caught up in the excitement.  I was even suggesting names.  can we guess what happened folks?  everything fell through and it didn't happen.  tori didn't go when she said but waited until the afternoon, and by then the cat had been taken by someone else.  she might be planning to keep trying, but i told katie i want nothing to do with it.
     I got upset when we didn't get the cat and was villified for it both by katie and tori.  katie told tori all about it and tori even made me get on the phone so she could scold me.  she said i was spoiled and suggested i was acting like a child.
     maybe she is right.  i AM a child i guess when i actually hope i will get something i desire.  I MUST develop more of a buddhist viewpoint and stop wanting ANYTHING, or at the very least never expect anything from other people and stop caring about the outcome when I myself attempt to gain something in my life if part of it is out of my control.
      i intend to focus on myself, do things to make my life better, starting with my health.  but that all depends upon ME.  I can exercise on my own, control my eating etc, everything i need to do to lose weight.  and since all that is solely within my control, it should eventually happen. I also plan to finish a writing project.  that is also in my control.  when I send it out though, that is dependent upon someone else to publish it or not.  sooo. at that point that is where i need to let go and not give a shit if it happens or not.  as for stuff that are dependent upon others from start to finish such as the cat thing, I must never ask for them and have no attachment about the outcome one way or the other.  in this case i should have been accepted the gift if it happened, but totally not given a shit at ALL if it didn't.
     the only things you can accomplish are those you get for yourself, and even then, someone else may screw it up for you.  to believe otherwise IS being a spoiled child.  my new life motto:  ask me if i give a shit.  or how about the one i made up for myself years ago:  expect NOTHING, then when you get it, you won't be disappointed.  I'm reminded of that song from wicked, I'm Not That Girl-so true: Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy...Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in...Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl...I'm not that girl...

                                              

Alone Again, Naturally

     Been a long time since i've written here.  just haven't felt like doing it i suppose.  and really, nothing changes...sooo.  well nothing IMPROVES anyway.  it can and HAS gotten WORSE.  katie has her first serious boyfriend and distance has grown between us as a result.  my kids were my whole world.  i was isolated, alone, barely leaving the house for years.  in addition, the few "friends" i  made ended up betraying me in so many ways, so i retreated inward even more.
     needless to say, i'm not doing well without katie.  when she leaves and i can't contact her, i have panic attacks.  i spoke to one of these so called friends about it, and while being sympathetic to my face, she told katie other things behind my back.  she basically said i drove her crazy one day when i was particularly upset, and she continually encourages katie to leave me all together.  she even tells ME some times that i basically need to just let go of EVERYONE, depend on no one but me etc etc etc.  what have i done mainly for YEARS?  i already know that no one gives a shit about me and so kept most of my problems to myself except when it got really bad.  i suppose i did depend on katie too much because i had nobody else.  but to expect a person to be entirely alone is too much.  we are social creatures, and we don't do well in isolation.  we are always going to be dependent upon others to some extent.
     not much else to say.  just feeling really betrayed, alone and pathetic right now.  god if i only COULD shut off all emotion and not want anyone around.

                                                                 

I Gotta Be Me...

 I have written a note like this at least once before, but I feel I am delving a bit deeper now, so maybe there is something valid here. Totally Random-I was thinking about how unhappy I've been lately and trying to determine exactly what I need to do to change that. Naturally, that led me to thoughts about the art i always turn to in times of good AND bad.  I love music, films and books so much.  I've written before about how I've always been a bit hesitant to talk about that a great deal because people don't seem to understand.  I have been accused of living in a dream world, of just sitting around, not being out in the world but watching it go by, that I waste time by investing myself in things that aren't "real."  

     First of all, can you blame someone for wanting to immerse themselves in art when day to day life is admittedly pretty dull, and a lot of people are selfish and stupid (ok, my inner sherlock coming out lol)?  secondly, my love of art would only be unhealthy if I began to believe it to be real instead of the world around me. my grasp of reality is fine, thank you. I DO need to get out more though, and I will.

     But back to art.  I need to stop making excuses for myself to appease others.  everybody has things that make them happy, give them pleasure, and they are as different as every person is.  if it doesn't harm you or anyone else, go for it.  So I give myself permission to indulge my passion without guilt.  and when I make money at it (either writing, music, or reviewing film) then maybe they will acknowledge that my love of the arts isn't a waste of time.  what now bitches lol?