You Can't Always Get What You Want...

     Made a total ass of myself yesterday.  I have tried so hard all my life not to want too much because, all too often, I have been disappointed and hurt when it fell through.  well...my daughter's friend offered to get us a kitten for christmas.  I let myself get all caught up in the excitement.  I was even suggesting names.  can we guess what happened folks?  everything fell through and it didn't happen.  tori didn't go when she said but waited until the afternoon, and by then the cat had been taken by someone else.  she might be planning to keep trying, but i told katie i want nothing to do with it.
     I got upset when we didn't get the cat and was villified for it both by katie and tori.  katie told tori all about it and tori even made me get on the phone so she could scold me.  she said i was spoiled and suggested i was acting like a child.
     maybe she is right.  i AM a child i guess when i actually hope i will get something i desire.  I MUST develop more of a buddhist viewpoint and stop wanting ANYTHING, or at the very least never expect anything from other people and stop caring about the outcome when I myself attempt to gain something in my life if part of it is out of my control.
      i intend to focus on myself, do things to make my life better, starting with my health.  but that all depends upon ME.  I can exercise on my own, control my eating etc, everything i need to do to lose weight.  and since all that is solely within my control, it should eventually happen. I also plan to finish a writing project.  that is also in my control.  when I send it out though, that is dependent upon someone else to publish it or not.  sooo. at that point that is where i need to let go and not give a shit if it happens or not.  as for stuff that are dependent upon others from start to finish such as the cat thing, I must never ask for them and have no attachment about the outcome one way or the other.  in this case i should have been accepted the gift if it happened, but totally not given a shit at ALL if it didn't.
     the only things you can accomplish are those you get for yourself, and even then, someone else may screw it up for you.  to believe otherwise IS being a spoiled child.  my new life motto:  ask me if i give a shit.  or how about the one i made up for myself years ago:  expect NOTHING, then when you get it, you won't be disappointed.  I'm reminded of that song from wicked, I'm Not That Girl-so true: Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy...Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in...Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl...I'm not that girl...