I had my first therapy session yesterday. I have SHOES older than the graduate student doing it lol. He seemed nice though if a bit nervous. He has the same name as one of my best friends in the world who passed away a few years ago. so someone has a sick sense of humor. Still, just one session is already making me ask questions of myself. I think this will help.
Of course there had to be a bit of drama on the way. the friend I went with (she WAS nice enough to fix it so I could go at the same time she does) couldn't get her car to start so she called our other friend several times to see if she could take us. couldn't get a hold of her, so she asked the guy she is obsessed with to drive us in his truck. didn't mind. I was only a little nervous about climbing up in the back (obviously only one of us could sit in the truck)and then figuring out how to arrange my legs so my knees didn't lock up. my friend jumped up in the back before me while i was still mulling it over though. naturally her wished for boyfriend had to bitch at me-"don't give up on life. you are riding in the back on the way home" in a shitty voice. then all the way there he proceeded to tell me what all I needed to do in therapy etc like he thought I was all of about 5 yrs old, and he with all his wisdom had to "teach" me. it's not even so much what he says as HOW he says it. he just seems to OOZE condescension. his voice sounds so patronizing.
I don't think I am imagining things. he has even upset my friend frequently when he tries to run HER life and criticizes things SHE does. of course SHE always makes excuses for him. ME, I always end up wanting to bitch slap him lol. I rose above it though and focused on why I came there. Just hope he doesn't have to take us again.
while reading a book about Charlie Chaplin, I was struck by the complete love/disapproval feeling I have for him. He was a brilliant film maker; I admire his political views, his fight for the little guy so much, and I really feel his heart was in the right place, but his penchant for very young women totally turns me off as it verged on pedophilia at times, in my opinion.
Comparing him to people like John Lennon, Anthony Weiner and Bill Clinton I have to ask, "are all men, no matter how honorable they are in their public life, no matter how many wonderful things they try to do for others, utter horndogs in private?" weiner was one of the only true liberal voices in congress. the work he did for the poor was so important. he KNEW what would happen in this tight-assed, puritan climate if he was caught, so how in the hell could he risk it all just to talk dirty to women on the interet!? and they ALL seem to do this. nothing seems to be as vital as getting that all-important orgasm. just don't get it. explains the love/hate relationship I have with men overall.
My daughter has discovered John Lennon within the last few years, and so I have been able to see him brand new through her eyes. It's really cool. She picked up a few books and DVDs from the library and we have watched the documentary "Imagine" together. Seeing John, hearing him speak, listening to his music, his message is always bittersweet to me, though, particularly in these days of corporate greed and poverty.
I wonder all the time how different things might be if we still had john around to bring attention to the games the powerful play, to call bullshit, bullshit. Songs like "power to the people," "working class hero", "revolution," and many more could do so much to rally the populace to make a change. The common people lost a powerful voice when john was murdered, and I have to admit that it pisses me off that yoko seems to focus solely on keeping product before the public to line her own pockets rather than participating in so many of the causes she and john were so vocal about when he was alive. She doesn't seem to promote john's message; she seems only interested in promoting herself.
She isn't john; I know that, but she IS his widow, and she has constantly touted herself as the keeper of the flame, the guardian of john's message, so why doesn't she actually do something with it? Has she ever said anything at all about the travesties that are occurring in our country now? hell no. the only thing I EVER hear her talk about is what a great marriage she and john had; she plays the grieving widow to perfection, all while living with the man she shacked up with VERY shortly after john's murder. nothing wrong with moving on, finding love again once your husband dies, but why not admit it then (I have never even heard her acknowledge sam havatoy's existence), and even more importantly, if you have had a live-in boyfriend for decades, stop fucking pretending you are still so heartbroken and devoted to John.
Sorry-I can't stand Yoko, and I will not apologize for it.
I don't really care if I ever get rich, but it would be nice to eat what I want occasionally instead of just whatever is the cheapest. It would also be nice to eat out once in awhile and actually go somewhere, do something on holidays. I feel as if my children have grown up with not very many special childhood memories. but then I know parents who never talk to their children, relate to them at all, just simply take them places to distract them, entertain them, and it makes me feel a bit better. it is not like that with us at all. we may not be able to go very many places, but we spend time together, talk, play games together, watch films together. we are very close, friends as well as being mother and children, and that does mean a lot. still...
You know how they say that today is the first day of the rest of your life? Well, it is a trite cliche, but appropriate for me right now. I really want to feel better, look better, be healthier and happier. I am 45 years old, and I feel like George Bailey. I love my family, but I look around and I realize I have done very little in life that I personally wanted to do. sometimes it's as if I'm living SOMEONE ELSE'S life because things are so far removed from the way I envisioned them, the way I dreamed they would be.
I remember when my grandmother died. I said I didn't want to waste my life in unhappiness and bitterness the way she did, feeling nothing at the end but relief that my life was over. things stayed the same. I reached the age my mother was when she died. again I decided it was time to do something, and I didn't. then I hit 40, the same age at which my beloved John Lennon died, my hero, my inspiration, the one person who has influenced me more than any other-STILL I did nothing.
I can't go on like this any more. I will be dead before 50 if I don't get in shape, eat better, lose weight. and if I don't change my life, go after some of my dreams, I won't CARE if I don't last through the next several years.
Still-I can't help feeling it's all useless, that I won't be here long enough to reach any of my goals any way. maybe it's because my mother died so young: I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired, tired of having all these dreams that never came true. realistically I know it's highly unlikely they will EVER come true. some of them like traveling require money which it doesn't look like I will ever have. some of them are fairly unattainable because of the statistics against them. but does that mean I should just give up trying? sometimes I want to.
adding to it all is the horrible situation this country is in. we are on the brink of collapse. I can see it clearly even if the sheeple drugged by fast food, reality tv and fox news can't. it scares me to death. I wonder what future, if any, my children will have in a world where the wealthy control everything, in which pursuing the all-mighty dollar is more important than the environment, people's safety, health, and even their LIVES. our country's motto should be changed from "in god we trust", to "I have mine, screw you." selfishness and greed have been spun into virtues.
but enough of all this-just rambling I guess.
A really rough time of it today. Having way too much experience with those who use and take advantage, I am perhaps overly sensitive to signs of such a thing. I acknowledge this, but I am in a situation right now that feels extremely familiar. I started helping out a friend by babysitting her daughter. That's all it was because she wasn't working and couldn't afford to pay me. I understood that, and was fine with it. It didn't take long, though, until she started asking me to do it A LOT. In addition, she would tell me that she was going to perhaps one place. Instead, she would end up being gone for HOURS without even calling me to tell me she was going to be gone longer than she had originally planned. It was nothing for me to meet her daughter at the school bus at 3 or 3:30, do all of her homework with her, feed her dinner (if she even bothered to leave anything for her to eat), which meant MY daughter had to cook OUR dinner, and then not getting home until 9 or 10 pm. On christmas eve, obviously her daughter was home from school, so when she asked me to babysit, instead of spending time with MY family, I ended up babysitting from sometime that morning until after midnight. I estimated I was there about 14-16 hours.
Keep in mind, this is all for free. fast forward a few months and she will often call me to babysit at a moment's notice. No lie, she calls,and when I ask when she needs me it's "whenever you can get here." she did this to me the other night at about 8:30 or 9:00 pm. I had already babysat earlier that morning for at least 4-5 hours so she could do some testing for a job (she finally got one this week). now I am sitting in my nightgown and she calls me to babysit. She once again didn't get home until midnight.
All of this wouldn't be quite so bad if there weren't other signs that are indicating that this "friendship" isn't much more than her sucking me dry for all she can get. from all i've said so far you can see that she thinks nothing of seriously inconveniencing her "friends"-well she also seems to get annoyed every time I or anyone else doesn't immediately give her what she wants. The most recent time she asked me to babysit at a moment's notice I quite fairly I thought, asked how long it would be. she says in a somewhat snotty tone, "I don't know shiela." Yesterday was the kicker though. she wanted something that wasn't really mine to do for her. through an honest misunderstanding, a mutual friend of ours asked me if I would do this and thought I said yes. I didn't really get she was asking, so when I found out the thing in question was already done I naturally was a bit upset. I made the mistake of talking to the mutual friend though instead of her directly about it.
My "friend" I have bent over backwards for calls me up all pissy about it. I explained to her as plainly as I could, that I misunderstood, that I had not realized I was being asked, that I had thought it was done without my knowledge, that was why I had gotten upset, and that I wasn't necessarily saying "no", but that it wasn't my decision, that what she wanted in this case was really up to my son. I should have realized that our mutual friend wouldn't have done this unless she thought she had my permission, but I have gotten so used to my "friend" getting everything she wants from everyone for free, that I guess it made me overly sensitive.
At any rate, she said never mind, that she didn't want it, that she always "pays her own way" (this from a woman who has been using this same mutual friend's extra vehicle complete with free gas for months because the one she owns that someone gave her for free from her church broke down and has been having her brother pay almost all her bills for her for almost a year)and that she had just thought because we were "friends.."
what does that mean? that I am supposed to just give her anything she wants for free no questions asked without complaining? it seems nothing is enough, that she just wants more and more, or at the very least thinks nothing of how much she has made me go out of my way and inconvenienced me. I have rarely EVER asked HER for anything. when she had a working car she used to ask me sometimes if I wanted to go get groceries with her, but I never asked her to take me. It was always her offering.
I don't know-I'm rambling, and maybe I am too sensitive. It just feels like she has asked me to go above and beyond. I should tell her if it's too much, but then she herself should realize that things like over 12 hours of free babysitting on christmas eve is too much. I dread what's going to happen now that she is working, and she will be paying me. will she feel even MORE entitled, ask for even MORE because she is giving me what I predict to be a VERY small salary? I have to ask for something. my family can't afford for me to work a full time job for free. we need the money. what the hell have I gotten myself in to?
