Somebody Call A Waaahmbulence!

     You ever get to the point in which you feel so completely pathetic that YOU don't even want to be around yourself?  yep, that's me.  My hormones are all over the place; I am having minor health problems; I have no energy to do anything, and so my house is disgusting; I haven't written anything I am really satisfied with in awhile, and I feel no one loves me again!  cue the fucking violins already!  I am sick of feeling sorry for myself and feeling neglected just because everyone isn't up my ass 24/7 kissing my feet, but here we are. it's awful.  it's like KNOWING you are insane but seemingly unable to do anything about it.

                                               

                      

                                                Will I be doing stuff like this next?
                                          

                                         

My Newest Obsession

     Have finally started an exercise program I have managed to stick to.  It is going on the third month now, and I have exercised each day even if only for a few minutes.  am so happy.  there is actually some definition in my arms and legs now!  I guess I just needed to be ready.  am having a great time with my friends too.  for the first time in years I don't feel lonely.  now if I just had Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch at my command to pleasure me whenever I want, life would be perfect lol!

                                                            Sigh, the man is perfection!

I'm Lovin' It!

     Positive attitude is still here!  I can't believe it, but it's great.  am so afraid it won't last.  It never has before, but somehow this feels different. maybe it's just that I'm finally doing something for myself; I am really indulging my passion for movies, music and books, not worrying so much about the house being spotless and am working on my weight.  everything is just that much better.  I have always been passionate about life and my music etc, but now...  I feel like a kid discovering life for the first time in a way.  please, if there is a god somewhere, let this stay!

                                 

Exquisite Torture

     I'm HORNY!!!  enough said lol.  I guess this is part of that more positive attitide,  being happy, loving myself.  I have no idea.  All I know is that it is a near constant thing.  course having such a huge crush on the cumberlord doesn't help any.

Just one of those things that fuel those fantasies

                                                        Yeah Baby

                                                       More

                                                        Last one-for NOW

                                             

It's Me Again, Margaret

     It's been a long time.  A brand new year is already in its second month.  I feel that I HAVE made progress.  My main New Years' resolution was to lose weight, and this time I am sticking to it.  I have gone walking or to the gym every day.  Have also been very good at keeping up with my writing.  so two main goals chugging along.  I find myself much happier as well, or at least content.  have good friends in real life and on the net, my house is coming along, am creative and am spending more time doing the things I love.  Yes I would say life is good.   and this beautiful, talented amazing man is icing on the cake:

                                                       

                                               

What Is Normal Anyway?

     I feel a little better today.  Still feel somewhat awkward with friends though.  Don't really know how to open up and trust, let people in anymore.  I had thought my ability to engage in more casual relationships as opposed to the always deep, emotional ones of my past was progress.  Now, instead of supplementing my soul mate friendships, I worry I have REPLACED them entirely with banality. Even when I find someone I feel I could be close to, something always happens and I become disillusioned, begin to back away, retreat.  God, it's hard.  I want to love someone as I did Chastity, Pete, Tammy and Steve, but I don't know if I have it in me anymore.

                                                         

It's That Time Again

     I don't know if it is simply hormones, over sensitivity or if I really have a REASON to feel this way.  All I know is that I am miserable today, hurt, lonely and feeling completely neglected.  I  honestly feel as if I have no friends, that no one cares about me at all, that they just look upon me as a burden.  I don't really want to get into WHY I feel that way; I just do, and I don't know how to stop.
     Sometimes it just seems it would be so much easier to not let myself care, to shut down entirely, never love or depend on anyone for anything, to just be alone.
     I have an aquaintance I just hang out with.  We do things together now and then, share a few laughs, and that is the extent of it-nothing serious, nothing heavy.  I don't ask her for anything; she asks nothing of me and the emotional bond between us is about as substantial as cotton candy.  Maybe that is all there is.  As much as they talk of love, as much as they seem to want it, maybe human beings just don't really know how to GIVE it.  They can TAKE all right, and they will TAKE until they bleed you dry, but GIVE..?   Who knows-maybe I am guilty of the same thing.  All I know is that I just don't have it in me to try right now.  I am so disillisioned that I just want to forget the whole human race, somehow just learn to love and care for myself and not need to ask anyone else for any kind of help or emotional support.