I had my first therapy session yesterday. I have SHOES older than the graduate student doing it lol. He seemed nice though if a bit nervous. He has the same name as one of my best friends in the world who passed away a few years ago. so someone has a sick sense of humor. Still, just one session is already making me ask questions of myself. I think this will help.
Of course there had to be a bit of drama on the way. the friend I went with (she WAS nice enough to fix it so I could go at the same time she does) couldn't get her car to start so she called our other friend several times to see if she could take us. couldn't get a hold of her, so she asked the guy she is obsessed with to drive us in his truck. didn't mind. I was only a little nervous about climbing up in the back (obviously only one of us could sit in the truck)and then figuring out how to arrange my legs so my knees didn't lock up. my friend jumped up in the back before me while i was still mulling it over though. naturally her wished for boyfriend had to bitch at me-"don't give up on life. you are riding in the back on the way home" in a shitty voice. then all the way there he proceeded to tell me what all I needed to do in therapy etc like he thought I was all of about 5 yrs old, and he with all his wisdom had to "teach" me. it's not even so much what he says as HOW he says it. he just seems to OOZE condescension. his voice sounds so patronizing.
I don't think I am imagining things. he has even upset my friend frequently when he tries to run HER life and criticizes things SHE does. of course SHE always makes excuses for him. ME, I always end up wanting to bitch slap him lol. I rose above it though and focused on why I came there. Just hope he doesn't have to take us again.
while reading a book about Charlie Chaplin, I was struck by the complete love/disapproval feeling I have for him. He was a brilliant film maker; I admire his political views, his fight for the little guy so much, and I really feel his heart was in the right place, but his penchant for very young women totally turns me off as it verged on pedophilia at times, in my opinion.
Comparing him to people like John Lennon, Anthony Weiner and Bill Clinton I have to ask, "are all men, no matter how honorable they are in their public life, no matter how many wonderful things they try to do for others, utter horndogs in private?" weiner was one of the only true liberal voices in congress. the work he did for the poor was so important. he KNEW what would happen in this tight-assed, puritan climate if he was caught, so how in the hell could he risk it all just to talk dirty to women on the interet!? and they ALL seem to do this. nothing seems to be as vital as getting that all-important orgasm. just don't get it. explains the love/hate relationship I have with men overall.
My daughter has discovered John Lennon within the last few years, and so I have been able to see him brand new through her eyes. It's really cool. She picked up a few books and DVDs from the library and we have watched the documentary "Imagine" together. Seeing John, hearing him speak, listening to his music, his message is always bittersweet to me, though, particularly in these days of corporate greed and poverty.
I wonder all the time how different things might be if we still had john around to bring attention to the games the powerful play, to call bullshit, bullshit. Songs like "power to the people," "working class hero", "revolution," and many more could do so much to rally the populace to make a change. The common people lost a powerful voice when john was murdered, and I have to admit that it pisses me off that yoko seems to focus solely on keeping product before the public to line her own pockets rather than participating in so many of the causes she and john were so vocal about when he was alive. She doesn't seem to promote john's message; she seems only interested in promoting herself.
She isn't john; I know that, but she IS his widow, and she has constantly touted herself as the keeper of the flame, the guardian of john's message, so why doesn't she actually do something with it? Has she ever said anything at all about the travesties that are occurring in our country now? hell no. the only thing I EVER hear her talk about is what a great marriage she and john had; she plays the grieving widow to perfection, all while living with the man she shacked up with VERY shortly after john's murder. nothing wrong with moving on, finding love again once your husband dies, but why not admit it then (I have never even heard her acknowledge sam havatoy's existence), and even more importantly, if you have had a live-in boyfriend for decades, stop fucking pretending you are still so heartbroken and devoted to John.
Sorry-I can't stand Yoko, and I will not apologize for it.
I don't really care if I ever get rich, but it would be nice to eat what I want occasionally instead of just whatever is the cheapest. It would also be nice to eat out once in awhile and actually go somewhere, do something on holidays. I feel as if my children have grown up with not very many special childhood memories. but then I know parents who never talk to their children, relate to them at all, just simply take them places to distract them, entertain them, and it makes me feel a bit better. it is not like that with us at all. we may not be able to go very many places, but we spend time together, talk, play games together, watch films together. we are very close, friends as well as being mother and children, and that does mean a lot. still...
You know how they say that today is the first day of the rest of your life? Well, it is a trite cliche, but appropriate for me right now. I really want to feel better, look better, be healthier and happier. I am 45 years old, and I feel like George Bailey. I love my family, but I look around and I realize I have done very little in life that I personally wanted to do. sometimes it's as if I'm living SOMEONE ELSE'S life because things are so far removed from the way I envisioned them, the way I dreamed they would be.
I remember when my grandmother died. I said I didn't want to waste my life in unhappiness and bitterness the way she did, feeling nothing at the end but relief that my life was over. things stayed the same. I reached the age my mother was when she died. again I decided it was time to do something, and I didn't. then I hit 40, the same age at which my beloved John Lennon died, my hero, my inspiration, the one person who has influenced me more than any other-STILL I did nothing.
I can't go on like this any more. I will be dead before 50 if I don't get in shape, eat better, lose weight. and if I don't change my life, go after some of my dreams, I won't CARE if I don't last through the next several years.
Still-I can't help feeling it's all useless, that I won't be here long enough to reach any of my goals any way. maybe it's because my mother died so young: I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired, tired of having all these dreams that never came true. realistically I know it's highly unlikely they will EVER come true. some of them like traveling require money which it doesn't look like I will ever have. some of them are fairly unattainable because of the statistics against them. but does that mean I should just give up trying? sometimes I want to.
adding to it all is the horrible situation this country is in. we are on the brink of collapse. I can see it clearly even if the sheeple drugged by fast food, reality tv and fox news can't. it scares me to death. I wonder what future, if any, my children will have in a world where the wealthy control everything, in which pursuing the all-mighty dollar is more important than the environment, people's safety, health, and even their LIVES. our country's motto should be changed from "in god we trust", to "I have mine, screw you." selfishness and greed have been spun into virtues.
but enough of all this-just rambling I guess.
