It's kind of sad really. when this guy was merely a VISITING preacher and hadn't shown his true colors, I LIKED him so much. His sermons were positive; he was funny, and he SEEMED nice. What a disillusionment. just like all the rest. so yeah, today I feel betrayed by the entire human race. oh, and did I mention that linda told Jeanne and not me, and that jeanne was the one I heard it from? yeah, people suck and just let you down.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Welcome To Wonderland Where Nothing Is As It Seems
I have felt a bit depressed and lost since Wednesday at least, teetering on the edge between love and giving up on humanity entirely as I often do when I am pmsing, but now there is something added to the mix. I also harbor doubts about my church during these hormonal times. this is infinitely worse though. I have been faced with what horrible, hateful, selfish, bigots the fundamentalist christian is anew and in addition, the pastor I expressed doubts about here at least a year ago has been apparently exposed for the shyster he is and been drummed out of the church! god! never thought I would see the day. Am glad for the house cleaning, but the reaction of the church is deplorable. as usual, there is a complete gag order. don't people have a right to know WHY their preacher is gone? of course not-let's sweep it all under the rug so he can go do it somewhere else. am just done. my daughter wants to go back though so she can see what has happened to the church she has attended since she was five.
It's kind of sad really. when this guy was merely a VISITING preacher and hadn't shown his true colors, I LIKED him so much. His sermons were positive; he was funny, and he SEEMED nice. What a disillusionment. just like all the rest. so yeah, today I feel betrayed by the entire human race. oh, and did I mention that linda told Jeanne and not me, and that jeanne was the one I heard it from? yeah, people suck and just let you down.
It's kind of sad really. when this guy was merely a VISITING preacher and hadn't shown his true colors, I LIKED him so much. His sermons were positive; he was funny, and he SEEMED nice. What a disillusionment. just like all the rest. so yeah, today I feel betrayed by the entire human race. oh, and did I mention that linda told Jeanne and not me, and that jeanne was the one I heard it from? yeah, people suck and just let you down.
Friday, January 17, 2014
I'm Not A Psychopath; I'm A High-Functioning Sociopath...
I have always identified with the character of Sherlock Holmes to a huge degree. I know I will NEVER be that intelligent, but since so many people are down right stupid, I often DO feel brilliant by comparison lol. More than anything though, it has always been his utter aloneness, his seeming inability to give his heart I respond to. I never believed that he was simply too cold, nothing more than a thinking machine. You could see his excitement, his passion, his great depth of feeling when he was working. I always felt he was a VERY emotional man who had simply learned to CONTROL those emotions, channel them exclusively into his profession. I felt he had suffered much as a youth, decided that "All lives end. All hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage."
Sometimes I feel the same way, that human interaction just isn't worth it. I know part of it is me. Like Sherlock, I have scars, and I am absolutely incapable of consistently believing that anyone really loves me. Is it my one-time, best childhood friend who completely deserted me as soon as she discovered boys? I don't remember ever feeling safe with someone, truly close, loving another person and trusting that they loved ME since, not even Steve. The poor man was a saint to put up with my paranoia and my constant distrust, neediness.
The question though is how much is me and how much is reality? I don't want to die alone unremembered, unmourned, and unloved, but at the same time I don't want to be disappointed, hurt by people anymore. I know that no one is perfect. we all have our differences; we all make mistakes; we all have bad days, but... Certain things just hurt, and I have a hard time getting past them. Last night I practically BEGGED Jeanne to watch Sherlock with me. I get so excited about things I love and want to share them with those I care about. Again, when I was young, my friends were ok with this, and invariably they would agree to give something I suggested a chance. Often they ended up at least LIKING it. Jeanne flat out refused to try. It bothered me a lot that I totally disrupt my life all the time to babysit her daughter for free for HOURS, and she wouldn't give ME 90 minutes of her time.
Maybe if I just follow the advice in that John Cleese psychology book I read once and simply learn to LOVE people and not NEED them, I could carry on relationships successfully. I could hang out, have fun, have laughs, be a help to them when they ask, but not DEPEND on them. If I did that, if I met all my needs for love and assistance MYSELF I would not resent it and be hurt when I didn't get it from THEM. who knows, maybe I wouldn't even mind living and dying alone then. My "friend" Patrice's daughter, Kirsten had a birthday party last week, and I spent most of it by myself, just sitting there listening to music, and I didn't mind at all, sooo...
Of course even Sherlock had his John. Have to confess I would like to have at least ONE person who I could believe has my back, who would always be there for me emotionally and physically. I almost have that with my daughter. Maybe that can be enough. Part of me wants marriage, "lots of sex and babies" though lol. Maybe someday when I am skinny, and am a rich author if Ben is still available lol... who am I kidding? for the most part, I will always feel that "alone is what I am; alone protects me," and "sentiment is a chemical defect found in the LOSING side."
Sometimes I feel the same way, that human interaction just isn't worth it. I know part of it is me. Like Sherlock, I have scars, and I am absolutely incapable of consistently believing that anyone really loves me. Is it my one-time, best childhood friend who completely deserted me as soon as she discovered boys? I don't remember ever feeling safe with someone, truly close, loving another person and trusting that they loved ME since, not even Steve. The poor man was a saint to put up with my paranoia and my constant distrust, neediness.
The question though is how much is me and how much is reality? I don't want to die alone unremembered, unmourned, and unloved, but at the same time I don't want to be disappointed, hurt by people anymore. I know that no one is perfect. we all have our differences; we all make mistakes; we all have bad days, but... Certain things just hurt, and I have a hard time getting past them. Last night I practically BEGGED Jeanne to watch Sherlock with me. I get so excited about things I love and want to share them with those I care about. Again, when I was young, my friends were ok with this, and invariably they would agree to give something I suggested a chance. Often they ended up at least LIKING it. Jeanne flat out refused to try. It bothered me a lot that I totally disrupt my life all the time to babysit her daughter for free for HOURS, and she wouldn't give ME 90 minutes of her time.
Maybe if I just follow the advice in that John Cleese psychology book I read once and simply learn to LOVE people and not NEED them, I could carry on relationships successfully. I could hang out, have fun, have laughs, be a help to them when they ask, but not DEPEND on them. If I did that, if I met all my needs for love and assistance MYSELF I would not resent it and be hurt when I didn't get it from THEM. who knows, maybe I wouldn't even mind living and dying alone then. My "friend" Patrice's daughter, Kirsten had a birthday party last week, and I spent most of it by myself, just sitting there listening to music, and I didn't mind at all, sooo...
Of course even Sherlock had his John. Have to confess I would like to have at least ONE person who I could believe has my back, who would always be there for me emotionally and physically. I almost have that with my daughter. Maybe that can be enough. Part of me wants marriage, "lots of sex and babies" though lol. Maybe someday when I am skinny, and am a rich author if Ben is still available lol... who am I kidding? for the most part, I will always feel that "alone is what I am; alone protects me," and "sentiment is a chemical defect found in the LOSING side."
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