New Philosophy

     Wow!  THAT was something wasn't it?  I sounded bat shit crazy in the last post.  Hormones are sooo lovely.  I feel better today. I was on to something though even at my darkest point.  I DO need to stop thinking so negatively. The thing is, I don't want to fake it.  I want to really BE positive and happy.  I have decided the key to this is a beautiful and very simple  idea Woody Allen has expressed in some of his films, namely that joy and meaning is found in just getting the most enjoyment you can from the little things in life you love.  That is the entire point of this post in a nutshell.  and sooo, let me illustrate.

                                       
                                                                     Another

A Third

                                                                And Finally....

                                  I love all of this-so true and how I think I will live my life from now on.

                                         

Anybody Out There?

     What a question-I know nobody really gives a shit.  Even my daughter has a new thing now in which every time I complain about something, she bitches at me for bitching.  So....I guess from now on, this is the only place I can go and talk about things that bother me.  Apparently people want nothing but sweetness and light and for you to shoot rainbows and unicorns out of your ass 24/7.   So be it.  I will shut up.  I am Little Mary Sunshine, Pollyanna from here on out.  I will spend my life kissing people's oh so sensitive butts, telling them the  fake, saccharine bullshit they want to hear and keeping how I REALLY feel to myself.  If I don't have anything positive to say, I will say nothing at all.  When I need advice, commiseration, sympathy, or comfort, I will give it   to MYSELF.  Always knew I was on my own; I just forgot that for awhile.  NO MORE!
     While we're on that subject, I MUST get out of here.  Fuck them all.  If  I'm alone, I may as well REALLY be alone.  The kids bitch every time they have to hear anything remotely negative from me; they bitch whenever they don't get their way in everything; they bitch if they have to do anything to help me...  I'm done.  I refuse to ask ANYONE for ANYTHING EVER from now on.  Someday I will be gone.  I will depend on nobody but me.  If I die alone like I have always feared, so be it; I will be better off.  Nobody will hurt me, let me down again.
     I miss you, my sweet Stephen.  He had his issues like everyone else, and his guilt wouldn't allow him to really let himself love me, but he WAS a good friend.  He was so patient with me even during my mood swings and paranoia, and he always tried to make me feel better.  He just had this way about him-he could find whatever talent you had and bring it out in you.  He could make ANYONE feel special.  I wish I hadn't fallen for him.  I wish I could have just enjoyed his friendship and not spent so much time hurting, wasting my time wanting him to love me back.
     I forgot the rule, you see.  The rule is that Shiela helps other people, loves and comforts THEM and gets no emotional support in return.  Hey-at least Steve supported me as a FRIEND.  Beggars can't be choosers right?  From this day forward, I will take what I can get.  I will ask for nothing and will be thankful for every crumb of love or consideration people are willing to offer.  That's just the way it is.  People are selfish, stupid and rude.  Deal with it, Shiela.

But then maybe the problem is just ME

                                             

Losing My Religion

     I stayed home from church on Sunday for Katie's birthday, and I stayed home last night just because I WANTED to.  In some ways I am really glad that I was told to call if I wanted a ride, and that if I didn't, it would just be assumed that I wasn't going to church.  I don't have to be judged any more.  If I don't go, I don't have to wonder whether or not my reasons for not going will be approved.  I can just relax now and be me, and it is sooo much less stressful to be honest.   It is also more positive.  I don't have to hear every minute about how rotten humans are and how the narcissistic god demands more and more worship and work.
     I do miss Linda though.  I have to face facts though, that the Linda I loved is basically gone.  She is so wrapped up in the church, and what time she isn't there, she is doing things for the old lady or she is doing something with this couple, the Wells or with Suzanne.  I have been totally replaced; there is no longer any room in her life for me.  I don't think she even WANTS me in her life at this point.  I don't think she approves of me.  I don't think she believes I am good enough for her any more.  THAT does hurt, but I don't think there is anything I can do about it.  I can't be what she thinks I should be, and I can't maintain a friendship with someone who is never there.
     Will I keep going to church at least on sundays?  I haven't made up my mind yet.  I hate to just give up on Linda after all these years, but I feel she has already given up on ME, so...

           

Time Travel, JFK, And Buffy The Vampire Slayer?

     More examples of how art can make us think, bring up questions about the nature of life and reality itself.  I just finished reading Stephen King's "11/22/63."  It was about someone trying to go back in time and save Kennedy.  The main premise was that you can't really do that, that the universe has an order to it, a way things are just supposed to go, and if you mess with it, the very planet itself could come apart.  an interesting thought.  Is this true?  Even if God exists, would he or she be that controling with his/her creation?  The deistic god would have simply set the earth in motion and then let it progress as it would.  But then, in this theory, does there have to be any god at all?  Stephen King didn't mention one.  It was more like a scientific thing, a law of physics or the law of gravity or thermodynamics that states energy can't be created or destroyed that it can only change forms-well, you get the idea.
     We all hate to see bad things happen to good people, and it would be sooo tempting to try and prevent many of the tragedies of our time if we could.  If you could stop 9/11, for example, would you risk unraveling reality to do it(especially considering all the neocon fearmongering, erosion of civil liberties and two wars that have taken place since because of it)? What about the Titanic?  In that case much GOOD came from the tragedy.  Enough lifeboats were required to hold every passenger and there had to be a radio operator on duty 24/7 after that just to name two things.  Obviously, we can't change history, but it does spark a great debate about why bad things happen, and how maybe we should just learn and progress from them rather than bemoan our bad luck.  I think that was the bigger point of King's story, because invariably, all the people the main character tried to help did just fine, even triumphed, despite the limitations caused by the great tragedy in their life.
     The second idea comes from buffy the vampire slayer of all things.  It's about love-the whole buffy/riley romance.  Riley never felt that she really loved him and people like spike agreed.  they felt buffy chose Riley just because he was dependable, safe, compared to someone like Angel, but that eventually she would want someone more exciting.  does exciting equal bad, and does nice and stable equal boring?  it CAN, and often does I think.  My crush qualifies.  He was funny and exciting to be around, but he had serious issues.  now, Robert Downey is a "bad boy" who reformed.  Totally charming, funny, sexy and exciting, but seemingly moral now.  My love, steve had a quirky, funny, very passionate, naughty side, but he was also relatively stable and VERY nice.  Riley though?  He was sooo serious and intense-yep, nice and dependable, but yes, he WAS boring.  I would have ended up going for spike too lol.  A bad boy, but nice too and very funny-like Damon as opposed to Stefan in "The Vampire Diaries."
                                                                    I rest my case lol

                                       

Explanations And Updates

     First of all, I didn't INTEND to stop posting here-our computer died so that I could only update sporadically.  Later, my daughter's best friend allowed us to borrow her old notebook, but for some reason, this machine wouldn't allow text.  I would be able to post the title, but none of the body of my post would show up.  I did a test though, and now that doesn't seem to be the case.
     Soooo-here are some updates.  Briefly...the situation with my hopeless crush crashed and burned in a big way.  It is much too embarassing to reveal details; let's just say that he wasn't at all what I thought he was.  He had some SERIOUS baggage which led to...let's say...LEGAL consequences for HIM and a complete write off of the guy for ME.  To quote Forrest Gump, "that's all I have to say about that."
     Moving on-I have lost about 15 pounds and have been exercising more, so that is good.  In addition, I have reached a much better place in regard to what to do about certain religious matters.  Family has been a bit less placid and positive.  We almost lost one of our cats.  We took her to the vet with the expectation that she wouldn't be coming home with us.  Thankfully, after some basic tests, we found she has diabetes.  Vet put her on insulin, and she is doing much better.  The marital situation is not as certain. Have to make some changes there.  I've come up with a tentative game plan-not too many details as yet though.
     Ok-lastly-my baby girl turns 18 today.  Time has flown so quickly.  Hate to see her grown up in a way.  When I think about her moving out on her own, leaving me, it hurts my heart.  She has become like a friend as well as a daughter, and I will miss her so much.  I want to see her fly and have a healthy, happy life on her own though obviously.  Just hope we will always be close.