It's A Process

     I once had a blog on myspace.  I tried to write in it every day, but I eventually got frustrated because there were so many days in which I felt I had been totally boring, not written anything interesting at all.  This time, I seem to have the opposite problem.  I wait a few days, and then so many things happen that I would like to comment on that I despair of having the time to write about them all.
     My H had another meltdown for starters.  Same old same old.  He couldn't get on the computer as soon as he walked in the door, so he ranted and raved endlessly about how he was king of the castle so everybody ought to just bow down and worship him, give him everything he wants immediately, and because he didn't instantly get it this time, nobody appreciates him yada yada yada.  This was quickly followed by the scare tactic he always uses to try and FRIGHTEN everyone into giving him the ultimate adoration he thinks he is entitled to: "What would you guys do if something happened to me?  You couldn't pay the bills.  You would be nothing without me"  The grand finale he always finishes with is, of course,  "You and Anthony (our son) need to help me.  Go out and get jobs.  We are barely making it.  I won't have enough money this month and we are all going to starve."   wash, rinse, repeat.  Have heard the same harangue, almost word for word, for YEARS now.
     I know things are rough, and I agree that we need more money.  The thing is, though,  he doesn't want help; what he REALLY wants is someone to do it FOR him.  His actions in the past have shown me that he would absolutely love it if we did it ALL, and he didn't have to do ANYTHING.  Naturally, then, I am not crazy about getting a job on top of everything else that I do and having him use that as a way for HIM to do LESS, all the while STILL not giving me any credit or thanking me in any way for my contribution. 
     You see, I have learned only too well that no matter how much anyone does to help him or FOR him, it will never be good enough, and it will never be sufficient.  He always wants MORE.  So...landing a job would not get him off my back; he would just find something ELSE about me to bitch about.  Basically then, if I look for a job, I have to do it for me and the kids, look out for US.  It is hard to do that right now, though, because I have no car, and I am so out of shape that I don't think I could handle walking all the way to work, THEN standing on my feet for hours, THEN walking home after.  I WANT to get a job, have financial independence, but this body is like a millstone about my neck.  I never seem to have the energy to complete the exercising I need to do though to get RID of this fat.  I need a personality reboot, seriously.    Have more to say on entirely different subjects...later Dudes...