Jeanne had to send her husband, Bob back to the mental hospital last night. He has been in about eight times before. This time, he said he needed to go because he was thinking of hurting her and their daughter. That puts a more sinister spin on things. He may not be able to come home this time at all. He may have to find a home to stay in. If that happens Jeanne doesn't know what to do, because she doesn't have a job, and she has been in so much pain from her back and foot that she doesn't know how she CAN get a job. The money Bob gets in disability would go with him to pay for the place where he would be living. The money her daughter, Sam, gets because of her cerebral palsy wouldn't even cover the rent.
I wish so much that I could do something to help. My heart breaks for her. Things are not good here, but they could definitely be worse. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and things are at least stable enough that I can take my time getting in shape and getting a job (I hope so anyway). It just doesn't seem fair sometimes that such a wonderful person like Jeanne has to go through so much.
I just don't know what else to say. It is just so sad.
I had a very low-key holiday this year. I spent most of the day on the couch reading a book. What time I wasn't reading, I spent either on the computer looking up Robert Downey JR fan videos, or writing on the story in which the lead male character is ALSO inspired by Robert lol. Obsess much?
Dinner was pretty good, then I went downstairs immediately afterward to see my buddy, Jeanne and her family and have dessert. Her cheesecake is awesome! Seriously, I love her to death. She is such a good friend. Speaking of which, I also reconnected with my mother's best friend on Christmas Eve. Called her and we spoke for a long time. I had missed her. I promised that I would call her much more often.
Ended the holiday with the Christmas tradition second year running of watching the Doctor Who Christmas special on BBC America. I do believe Doctor Who has the distinction of being the ONLY show all FOUR of us watch TOGETHER. Very nice. Afterward, I planned to do some more writing, but I fell asleep on the couch with my writing notebook on my chest lol. What better way to end the holiday than asleep with a food coma lol.
It has been a few days, so I will probably end up just throwing all kinds of stuff in here in an effort to catch up on all the things I haven't written. So be warned.
Had an interesting moment on Wednesday night. Linda picked me up for church, and of course, she already had this friend of hers, Suzanne, with her. Suzanne isn't working all that much now, so she takes every opportunity to be up Linda's butt, so that she can take advantage of as much free stuff and free food as she can get off of her. She has been doing this for YEARS and Linda just lets her do it. I have no doubt that Suzanne does care about her to some extent, but I also believe the "what can I get out of this?" mentality is always there to a HUGE degree.
Ironically enough, Suzanne gets a phone call while we are on our way to church from her nephew in which he tells her that he and his wife just received a 100 dollar gift card for christmas. Suzanne has a FIT! She starts off on this big tirade about how ungrateful her nephew and his wife are, how they have been living with her family for almost a year now, how they don't do anything, how they are users etc. Do you get the irony? This is a woman who constantly has her hand out, tries to get everything she can get and has the NERVE to bitch about someone ELSE doing it? What she was REALLY mad about was that SHE wasn't going to get anything from the gift card lol.
Okay, one negative story, and one positive here. I have been writing like a fiend for the last few days. I am doing so well, and I am so proud. I just hope I can keep doing it. Doesn't have to last forever, just long enough so that I can finish this book I am working on lol.
I also did well on cleaning this week. I got behind because my daughter's best friend, Tori came over and stayed for about three days. Nothing wrong with that-she is a great kid. Her and Katie stay in her room most of the time though, and I can't clean in there. Well, I pretty much caught up. I worked my butt off yesterday. Can hardly walk today, but it's worth it lol.
I said I was going to try and write in here every day. well...lol. I know-the best of intentions and all that. I have had things I want to say, but not really any pressing need to take the time to do it. It's not like anyone else is actually reading any of this anyway. I guess I started this primarily to keep my writing skills fresh and get out a lot of the more negative thoughts/emotions I have in an environment that wouldn't bring down all the people around me. I think it has helped a bit. I am writing fiction for the first time in awhile, and I don't think I am QUITE as negative in my every day life. So mission accomplished I suppose.
At any rate, I will continue to plug along, and maybe eventually I will write in this every day as I intended. side note-the music I am using to help inspire the story I am writing is depressing me at the moment (all those love songs and all-sigh). Won't say too much about the story just yet, but THIS is the inspiration for the lead male character.
One of my personal heroes and inspirations, Christopher Hitchens, passed away after a long fight with cancer on Thursday. I can not put into words exactly how much this man has meant to me. His book, "God is not great (how religion poisons everything)" changed my life. I had been a christian for as long as I could remember, but within the last few years, I became somewhat disgruntled with organized religion in general, so much so that I tentatively became a deist. Like the restless soul I am, though, I kept searching, trying to find a spirituality I could call my own.
I read "God is not Great" and Richard Dawkins' "The God Delusion" one right after the other, and between the two of them I moved even further from the theist I had been, past the deist I had become, to become even closer and closer to an agnostic or perhaps even an atheist. Dawkins reached me through well-thought out arguments, scientific fact, and cool, clear-headed logic. Hitch got to me almost through sheer passion alone. He BELIEVED deeply every word he said, took no prisoners, did not suffer fools gladly, and I responded to him on a deep, instinctual level. I admire and respect Dawkins, but that old curmudgeon, Hitch, earned a place in my heart.
His death, coupled with an incident I experienced this week, has brought to the forefront all my discomfort with religion that I often have had to bury for the sake of an uneasy truce with the church I have attended for 12 years and the people there I care about (the friends I have made are the only reason I have not left).
In brief, we had a movie night at the church on Friday. In the past, such things were simply "fellowships"; you came, enjoyed the movie and hung out with friends at church. We changed preachers a few years back, though, and things are different now. THIS movie night was used as primarily a fundraiser for the church's school. It cost two dollars a ticket to even get in (the movie was one you can watch on tv a million times at this time of year for free)and then every piece of food that you wanted to eat was a dollar. Most of the food was food that the church had gotten donated for free to feed the needy (the church members of course had to pay for it). Linda and our friends, the Wells, cooked everything else. They spent quite a bit of their own money to make it, and yet, THEY still had to pay to eat at the movie too!
I might be able to ignore all this stuff-after all, the church does need money to keep their shcool running-but...most of the students do pay tuition for their books and all. I venture to guess that most of the money raised goes toward paying the teacher's salaries. THIS is where it gets tricky. ALL of the teachers but ONE are part of our preacher's FAMILY. It just seems a bit too cozy for me. He has five children and he has managed to find a way to put FOUR of them AND his wife on staff. so, in other words, he, his wife, and four of his grown children all get paychecks from his church members. They are almost the ONLY ones though. Several other people have helped out teaching at the school as well from time to time, including Linda, and THEY don't get payed.
Am I just too cynical about preachers and their motives, or has this guy conned his way into a cushy job and brought practically his entire family along with him for the free ride? The movie night was conducted not as a church fellowship, but as a well-oiled business venture. They had tables set up in the front; you payed as soon as you walked in, were given a ticket which you handed to someone who stamped your hand to prove you had payed, and then they made sure everyone payed for every bite of food they ate (I saw THEM eating too, though-wonder if THEY payed). God, if it all IS just a money making scam for the preacher and his family, you couldn't think of much of a better one. Hitch would yell bloody murder, and he might be right.
After another day with good friends, my lovely daughter and cute animals, I am feeling more positive than ever. My friend, Linda, that I mentioned yesterday, picked Katie and me up, took us to the store, "Mama's" house, then back to hers for food and a project in her bedroom. Had a marvelous time. I really think Linda has changed somewhat. She doesn't seem to be quite so brainwashed anymore. She still is heavily involved with church, but she seems more like the old Linda I first met, more fun, more relaxed, less uptight about everything she does etc. We felt so close just like we used to be. I loved it.
The evening continued after she dropped me off at home. I stopped by Jeanne's for a little while and visited with her before I went upstairs. I am truly blessed to have two such great friends and family too. Katie was great as well, just like she always is. Example-earlier in the day, Jeanne had asked if I could babysit Friday (that's today now). I told her I had made plans to go to a movie night at my church, so she asked to change it to Saturday. I said that would be fine, but then Katie (all on her own with no prompting from me)said that if Jeanne really wanted Friday she could sit for her daughter, Sam, instead. What a sweetie.
Can't really add to that. It's all my sanguine side today lol. If I keep feeling this good, I might actually be able to accomplish all those goals I have in mind.
Well, here goes-my second post in the same number of days lol. I will have to make this one short, though. I have someplace to go today, and I don't have much time.
Yesterday's post was negative. Today's is positive. I was reminded once again this week that even if I don't have romantic love, I do have friends who love and care for me dearly. Out of the blue, someone I don't hear from very often at all, called me up and asked to get together to work on a project that she has wanted to do for a long time. She hasn't had the opportunity before now because of her many comittments elsewhere. I jumped at the chance, and she, Katie and I spent most of the day together. We ended up going to the library, Wal-Mart, and then visiting with an elderly lady she has adopted as a kind of surrogate "Mama." Lots of conflicting emotions there. I was so glad that my friend could be there for this woman. She really has no one else, and it touched my heart to see her gratitude for the affection and attention. It BROKE my heart to see her cry when faced with us leaving though. She would have loved for us to just stay with her indefinitely.
Having lived with a man who treats me like dirt under his shoe and before that, having grown up an only child in a house where everything revolved around my narcississtic father, I can somewhat understand what she feels, and it is my greatest fear for the future. Even as a teen, I can remember listening to The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby" and hearing lines like "Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried alone with her name-nobody came" and thinking "someday that will be me." I can easily visualize myself as an old woman alone with a bunch of cats, dying and no one even discovering it until days later. The episode in which Miranda envisions this same scenario in "Sex and the City" resonated with me too.
But then, I have begun to believe that you are only alone if you choose to be. Most of the people who end up like this did things when they were younger that ended up driving people away from them, made those close to them not WANT to be around them, or they withdrew from the world on their own LONG before it ever gave up on THEM. There is a lesson there. I do that a lot even now. I am very self-sufficient, and to a large extent I have a hard time trusting people and letting them get close to me, so I really need to make an effort or my fear could become a self-fullfilling prophecy.
I am determined that I won't let it-and having more days like I had with my friend (we never even got to the work we intended to do lol)is part of it.
Okay-the post wasn't ALL negative. See-there's that dichotomy of personality again.
I once had a blog on myspace. I tried to write in it every day, but I eventually got frustrated because there were so many days in which I felt I had been totally boring, not written anything interesting at all. This time, I seem to have the opposite problem. I wait a few days, and then so many things happen that I would like to comment on that I despair of having the time to write about them all.
My H had another meltdown for starters. Same old same old. He couldn't get on the computer as soon as he walked in the door, so he ranted and raved endlessly about how he was king of the castle so everybody ought to just bow down and worship him, give him everything he wants immediately, and because he didn't instantly get it this time, nobody appreciates him yada yada yada. This was quickly followed by the scare tactic he always uses to try and FRIGHTEN everyone into giving him the ultimate adoration he thinks he is entitled to: "What would you guys do if something happened to me? You couldn't pay the bills. You would be nothing without me" The grand finale he always finishes with is, of course, "You and Anthony (our son) need to help me. Go out and get jobs. We are barely making it. I won't have enough money this month and we are all going to starve." wash, rinse, repeat. Have heard the same harangue, almost word for word, for YEARS now.
I know things are rough, and I agree that we need more money. The thing is, though, he doesn't want help; what he REALLY wants is someone to do it FOR him. His actions in the past have shown me that he would absolutely love it if we did it ALL, and he didn't have to do ANYTHING. Naturally, then, I am not crazy about getting a job on top of everything else that I do and having him use that as a way for HIM to do LESS, all the while STILL not giving me any credit or thanking me in any way for my contribution.
You see, I have learned only too well that no matter how much anyone does to help him or FOR him, it will never be good enough, and it will never be sufficient. He always wants MORE. So...landing a job would not get him off my back; he would just find something ELSE about me to bitch about. Basically then, if I look for a job, I have to do it for me and the kids, look out for US. It is hard to do that right now, though, because I have no car, and I am so out of shape that I don't think I could handle walking all the way to work, THEN standing on my feet for hours, THEN walking home after. I WANT to get a job, have financial independence, but this body is like a millstone about my neck. I never seem to have the energy to complete the exercising I need to do though to get RID of this fat. I need a personality reboot, seriously. Have more to say on entirely different subjects...later Dudes...
As I searched through youtube videos for some of my favorite Christmas songs and specials, it occured to me how much movies, tv, books, and music have contributed to my life. They are probably my greatest pleasure.
It all started when I was a child. I never really knew anyone who was content with their life. They all seemed to be miserable. Amazingly enough, though, none of them seemed to want to do anything about it. They complained endlessly but never made a single effort to change things for the better. I dared to dream, to want more, and incredibly, they didn't encourage me in this; instead they seemed to CONDEMN me for it. For most of my life, I felt like I was a freak, or at the very least, a stuck-up snob because I dared to hope to be happier than they all were.
The only place I truly felt accepted, understood, was in my fantasies which were fueled by a steady diet of free-thinkers, individualists and fellow day-dreamers like John Lennon and Billy Joel. My beloved music, films, tv, and books took me to worlds in which anything was possible with people who inspired me to reach for the stars.
This fictional world still moves me immeasurably today, and I often find more truth, more insight, into human nature and the world we inhabit THERE than anywhere else. I do have to say, though, that I haven't been all that great at putting the ideas it inspires into practice in my daily life. There are MANY dreams I have yet to fullfill or even try for. But you know what they say-"Where's there's life, there's hope" and "It's never too late." I hope that's true.
A lot going on the last few days. My son's birthday was on December 4th. It was very nice. I went to church in the morning, then I came home in the afternoon, made his cake, and prepared his favorite meal for his birthday dinner (barbeque herbed meatloaf). We all played games together afterward. It was a peaceful oasis at the beginning of a week that has illustrated over and over the adage that "People are just no damn good."
Monday at the food pantry, one of the volunteers had an absolute hissy fit because someone parked in the wrong place. He shut down the pantry and said they weren't going to give out any more food until whoever owned the vehicle moved it. Basically, he made people who already felt bad enough for being so poor they had to stand in a food line feel even worse. He must have called us "you people" at least two or three times. It was disgusting. But then that is how the poor are viewed in this country these days. If you have no money, you are a lazy, stupid scumbag. I think it crosses all economic lines myself. Most people are jerks, period.
Tuesday, when my H went to work he found a library delivery with my name on it that had been ripped open. Apparently, someone saw a CD I had ordered from the library outside our door and stole it. To make matters worse, the library was actually going to try and make us pay for it. The librarian said that it had been delivered, and that once it had been delivered it was our responsibility. The only way I got her to do the right thing was to be just as much of a bitch as she was. I ranted and raved, then finally, I made her connect me to someone above her head. I explained the situation, and that lady was very nice. She took it off my card and changed deliveries so that they would now come to our library branch instead of our house. Still, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of person steals a library delivery-seriously!
If all this wasn't enough, Wednesday our cable was shut off because our apartment complex found out that people are stealing cable and mistakenly thought we were one of them. We were without cable for 24 hours. Grrr! Does it ever end? If not for my kids and my friends, I would end up in a tower with an ak-47!
I feel as if I have been through almost the entire gamut of emotions in less than 24 hours. My best friend, Jeanne, called me and invited me to run errands with her. My daughter, Katie, and I both went and had a wonderful time. All we did was pay some bills, run down to this big goodwill store on Orange Blossom Trail to look for Christmas gifts, grab a quick bite at Taco Bell, then do some grocery shopping, but it didn't matter. Even the simplest of outings can be wonderful with the right person. It was fantastic just being with her and my daughter. We laughed so much, shared opinions, grievances about things in our lives, and just hung out, enjoying each others' company.
Coming home was a different matter. We hadn't been there more than five minutes when Katie's dad completely lost it, screamed at her and made her cry when she didn't really even understand why he felt what she had done was wrong. The tension in the air was so thick you could cut it with a knife, and I couldn't wait to escape.
We left as soon as we could and went down to Jeanne's house to watch "It's A Wonderful Life." Every time I see it, it brings up all these conflicting emotions. I understand that we sometimes have no idea what is really best for us, and that what we desire often isn't what we NEED, and yet, I can't help but wonder how George's life would have been if he had actually gotten to do even just ONE thing that he really wanted. When Clarence tells him that he had a wonderful life, I invariably ask myself, "Did HE have a wonderful life, or was it just that EVERYONE ELSE had a wonderful life BECAUSE of him?" It occured to me last night, though, that maybe the REAL message of the movie is that happiness is not found in fame and wealth such as George had always desired, but in the love of our friends and family. That is basically what Clarence tells him in the inscription of the book he gives him: "No man is a failure who has friends." All these ruminations aside, I found myself tearing up a little just like I always do at the end of the film.
I came home, read for a little while, then went straight to sleep. I had an awful dream that played out like one of those melodramas they show on the Lifetime Movie Network. I dreamed about a woman with a child (for some reason can't remember if it was male or female) who gets murdered by her ex- husband who didn't want to let her go. Why would I dream something like this? After my H's outburst, is that what I fear will happent to Katie and I? Have no idea, but it was disturbing.
So basically, I had a day that involved great happiness, anger, stress, sadness and outright fear one right after the other. Is it just me and my many mood swings, or is it all something beyond me? In other words, am I crazy or is everyone else around me MAKING me crazy lol?
I have very strong opinions about almost everything under the sun, and I am not afraid to express them, so be prepared. And if you want "bows and flows of angel hair and ice cream castles in the air and feather canyons everywhere" you probably won't get a whole lot of that here, because I also happen to be an unrepentant cynic-well, ammend that to "cynical idealist." There IS a huge part of me that just won't give up the dream, who still believes in happily ever after, who still cries at sappy, romantic movies, who tears up every year watching "It's A Wonderful Life," and who can't help but continue to be moved every time I hear John Lennon's "Imagine." Sometimes I think I have multiple personality disorder. The book about personality types, "Personality Plus", rated me as a 50/50 split between sanguine and melancholy, two completely opposite types. Sanguine in briefest terms is more like an optimist, and melancholy is pretty much a pessimist. So, basically, it's like being Spongebob and Winona Ryder's character in Beetle Juice, Lydia Deetz, at the same time.
So, you have been warned. Buckle up; it's going to be a bumpy ride.
