I Give Up

 I'm wrong.  I am fat, stupid and lazy to ask anyone to help me do anything.  Everyone in the family has made that clear to me.  Despite my illness, my disabilities and my obesity I must get it together somehow.  I am on my own.  Anthony told me flat out when I asked him to put away dishes that he feels he has given up his entire life to help his family, and that because of that nothing should be asked of him.  He also said that I base his worth solely on how much he does for me, and that it's never enough for me.

I'm sure the rest of the family feels the same way about me.  So add ungrateful to fat, stupid and lazy I guess.  Because they work I should thank God they just allow me to live here, and I need to spend every minute of every day cleaning up everyone else's shit with a smile on my face.  Duly noted.  I want to try as hard as I can to never ask anyone for anything ever again and to just keep my mouth shut unless I'm asked to speak.

If I work until I drop dead and never complain about a single thing will that finally please them? I'd be content if I was just no longer called fat, lazy and stupid every day.

Nothing Changes

 Wish I was dead. Period. End of story.

Try Try Again

 Been a long time since I've done this.  I don't know maybe it will help.  There are a lot of things I'd like to talk about and no one to do it with.  I'm back in counseling but there are things I don't feel like discussing there.  It just seems pointless.  There are issues that are not going to change and why talk about it if nothing can be done?  All I can do is learn to live with them and do what I can to stay on an even keel despite them. Here's hoping.

Changes

my life is continually in a state of flux these days. now, my daughter has a job. i am pleased and proud of her, but i have lots of fears. i worry about her walking to work, and i strongly suspect that her boyfriend has encouraged this to make her move out. so instead of helping her family who have supported her her entire life, she would be helping him sit on his ass at the card shop while she works.

i want so much more for her. never the mind the fact that my anxiety would be so much worse if she isn’t here. at the same time, things have been so bad between us for so long that i really have given up on her and don’t want a relationship with her anymore. it’s so sad really. we were once so close.

The Selfish Gene

an issue i’m struggling with is the balance between taking care of myself and others. i have a hard time saying no to people even if i really don’t want to do what they’ve asked. as a result, i always end up feeling resentful. i question myself too, always wonder if i’m being selfish by not wanting to agree to their request or if i’m merely practicing self care.

it’s a difficult thing to determine. i can only take it case by case, try to balance the need of the person asking and whatever need i have. it’s more muddied now because my anxiety disorder makes many situations frightening to me, and i want to say no even if i’m needed. i can’t let my fears cripple me, especially if someone asks for help, but at the same time, don’t i have a right not to be scared all the time? not easy.

Wide Awake

I continue to be hormonal-either that, or i have finally decided to live in reality. don’t know which. i don’t seem to be sad. if anything i feel somewhat numb today. maybe my meds have kicked in. at any rate, i appear rather calm and matter of fact. i have come to some drastic decisions, and i don’t see any turning back.

for years, my daughter was almost everything to me. she looked up to me; she respected me, and being so lonely, having such little self-esteem, i clung to her. i think i’m finally ready to accept that she wasn’t worth it, that she wasn’t who i thought she was. she is my daughter, and i will always care about her, but i don’t like her much any more.

part of it is my fault. i allowed myself to care too much, to depend on her too much. i wanted a friend, and i am her mother. it’s time i acted like it. i don’t know where that leaves me. perhaps it’s time i just decide to be alone, to depend on no one but me. today i’m actually kind of ok with it. thank you prozac lol.

Give Me Strength

today will be a huge challenge. anthony will be doing training all day; i have to babysit, and katie is going out. my anxiety will be at its height i know. thanks god for ativan. please help me make it.