You Can't Always Get What You Want...

     Made a total ass of myself yesterday.  I have tried so hard all my life not to want too much because, all too often, I have been disappointed and hurt when it fell through.  well...my daughter's friend offered to get us a kitten for christmas.  I let myself get all caught up in the excitement.  I was even suggesting names.  can we guess what happened folks?  everything fell through and it didn't happen.  tori didn't go when she said but waited until the afternoon, and by then the cat had been taken by someone else.  she might be planning to keep trying, but i told katie i want nothing to do with it.
     I got upset when we didn't get the cat and was villified for it both by katie and tori.  katie told tori all about it and tori even made me get on the phone so she could scold me.  she said i was spoiled and suggested i was acting like a child.
     maybe she is right.  i AM a child i guess when i actually hope i will get something i desire.  I MUST develop more of a buddhist viewpoint and stop wanting ANYTHING, or at the very least never expect anything from other people and stop caring about the outcome when I myself attempt to gain something in my life if part of it is out of my control.
      i intend to focus on myself, do things to make my life better, starting with my health.  but that all depends upon ME.  I can exercise on my own, control my eating etc, everything i need to do to lose weight.  and since all that is solely within my control, it should eventually happen. I also plan to finish a writing project.  that is also in my control.  when I send it out though, that is dependent upon someone else to publish it or not.  sooo. at that point that is where i need to let go and not give a shit if it happens or not.  as for stuff that are dependent upon others from start to finish such as the cat thing, I must never ask for them and have no attachment about the outcome one way or the other.  in this case i should have been accepted the gift if it happened, but totally not given a shit at ALL if it didn't.
     the only things you can accomplish are those you get for yourself, and even then, someone else may screw it up for you.  to believe otherwise IS being a spoiled child.  my new life motto:  ask me if i give a shit.  or how about the one i made up for myself years ago:  expect NOTHING, then when you get it, you won't be disappointed.  I'm reminded of that song from wicked, I'm Not That Girl-so true: Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy...Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in...Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl...I'm not that girl...

                                              

Alone Again, Naturally

     Been a long time since i've written here.  just haven't felt like doing it i suppose.  and really, nothing changes...sooo.  well nothing IMPROVES anyway.  it can and HAS gotten WORSE.  katie has her first serious boyfriend and distance has grown between us as a result.  my kids were my whole world.  i was isolated, alone, barely leaving the house for years.  in addition, the few "friends" i  made ended up betraying me in so many ways, so i retreated inward even more.
     needless to say, i'm not doing well without katie.  when she leaves and i can't contact her, i have panic attacks.  i spoke to one of these so called friends about it, and while being sympathetic to my face, she told katie other things behind my back.  she basically said i drove her crazy one day when i was particularly upset, and she continually encourages katie to leave me all together.  she even tells ME some times that i basically need to just let go of EVERYONE, depend on no one but me etc etc etc.  what have i done mainly for YEARS?  i already know that no one gives a shit about me and so kept most of my problems to myself except when it got really bad.  i suppose i did depend on katie too much because i had nobody else.  but to expect a person to be entirely alone is too much.  we are social creatures, and we don't do well in isolation.  we are always going to be dependent upon others to some extent.
     not much else to say.  just feeling really betrayed, alone and pathetic right now.  god if i only COULD shut off all emotion and not want anyone around.

                                                                 

I Gotta Be Me...

 I have written a note like this at least once before, but I feel I am delving a bit deeper now, so maybe there is something valid here. Totally Random-I was thinking about how unhappy I've been lately and trying to determine exactly what I need to do to change that. Naturally, that led me to thoughts about the art i always turn to in times of good AND bad.  I love music, films and books so much.  I've written before about how I've always been a bit hesitant to talk about that a great deal because people don't seem to understand.  I have been accused of living in a dream world, of just sitting around, not being out in the world but watching it go by, that I waste time by investing myself in things that aren't "real."  

     First of all, can you blame someone for wanting to immerse themselves in art when day to day life is admittedly pretty dull, and a lot of people are selfish and stupid (ok, my inner sherlock coming out lol)?  secondly, my love of art would only be unhealthy if I began to believe it to be real instead of the world around me. my grasp of reality is fine, thank you. I DO need to get out more though, and I will.

     But back to art.  I need to stop making excuses for myself to appease others.  everybody has things that make them happy, give them pleasure, and they are as different as every person is.  if it doesn't harm you or anyone else, go for it.  So I give myself permission to indulge my passion without guilt.  and when I make money at it (either writing, music, or reviewing film) then maybe they will acknowledge that my love of the arts isn't a waste of time.  what now bitches lol? 

                                                         

Life Imitates Art

     Was watching the season premiere of The Big Bang Theory last night, and episode 2 depicted an issue between Bernadette and Penny in which Amy got caught in the middle.  Both Bernie and Penny would call her to complain about the other.  Amy actually loved it.  she saw it as an opportunity to bond with her friends (you know, the whole 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend' idea turned on its head).  she also felt it made her more popular as she was the one the other two WEREN'T arguing with. She would agree with BOTH  of them just to get closer to each in turn.

     I could only shake my head and laugh, as I am in a similar situation.  my two closest friends do this all the time, although one of them does it more than the other.  she just called me yesterday afternoon to vent about all her frustrations with our other friend.  I confess that I myself have pulled an Amy a few times in that I get sucked into all of it and participate.  unlike amy though, I honestly DO agree with both of their points of view to some extent and have legitimate gripes of my own which I unfortunately have given in to the urge to articulate.  that has gotten me in trouble a couple of times in the past because the friend who complains the most told the other.  am sure she did it to open up dialogue between us all so we could work things out, but sometimes no amount of talking will fix the problem,sometimes you just want to vent, get it off your chest and move on.  

     Lately I have been noncommital; I sympathize but don't really participate.  I want to avoid the negativity in my life.  I want to be a better, more moral, simply NICER person, and again, no amount of talking will fix the issues with these people.  they are who they are and they won't change.  I have just emotionally distanced myself for the most part.  it's a little lonely, but until I find new friends, I just have to accept these people with their faults (as they do mine I'm sure) and protect my heart.  not the way I want it but what ya gonna do?  only my oldest, childhood friends never really hurt me seriously and always had my back. we had issues from time to time, but nothing we couldn't work out.  god I wish you all were here. love you guys, sharon haus, chastity cline, teresa carter, Tammy Skidmore, leah harris, jennifer thurman, briana peck, sherry adams, robert talkington, lori haley, robin thurston, robin haus and anyone else I may have forgotten at the moment. 

                                                          

Baby Steps Or Two Steps Forward And One Step Back

I haven't written much here recently because there really hasn't been much new to say.  It's been quiet and I haven't been doing much deep thinking either.  I hate it because that means I haven't gotten a whole lot accomplished.  I only exercised once or twice.  I didn't really do any writing or much reading.  I need to go easy on myself though because I DID sort through some things in my house, and I took better care of myself in other ways.  I have been taking my meds like I should along with vitamins.  I even put on earings yesterday for the first time in ages.  Just need to get back to exercising. That is my main priority.  I can do a lot more things I want to do if I don't hurt all the time, and am in better shape. wish me luck.

                                         

Do I have ADHD?

                                              I tend to flit from one thing to another.  I seem to never finish anything because I get bored and move on to something totally different from what I started with.  I will pick a tv show I want to watch than usually quit before I get through the whole thing.  I will pick out a director or actor in which I want to watch all their work, then I quit.  I have had ideas for several writing projects and then I don't finish them.  I have 3 novels I am working on, and I have recently had ideas for two more!  grrr!!! JUST FINISH SOMETHING ALREADY!!!!!!              

Therapy

      I had my first therapy session yesterday.  I have SHOES older than the graduate student doing it lol.  He seemed nice though if a bit nervous.  He has the same name as one of my best friends in the world who passed away a few years ago.  so someone has a sick sense of humor.  Still, just one session is already making me ask questions of myself.  I think this will help.  

     Of course there had to be a bit of drama on the way.  the friend I went with (she WAS nice enough to fix it so I could go at the same time she does) couldn't get her car to start so she called our other friend several times to see if she could take us.  couldn't get a hold of her, so she asked the guy she is obsessed with to drive us in his truck.  didn't mind.  I was only a little nervous about climbing up in the back (obviously only one of us could sit in the truck)and then figuring out how to arrange my legs so my knees didn't lock up.  my friend jumped up in the back before me while i was still mulling it over though.  naturally her wished for boyfriend had to bitch at me-"don't give up on life.  you are riding in the back on the way home" in a shitty voice.  then all the way there he proceeded to tell me what all I needed to do in therapy etc like he thought I was all of about 5 yrs old, and he with all his wisdom had to "teach" me.  it's not even so much what he says as HOW he says it.  he just seems to OOZE condescension.  his voice sounds so patronizing.

     I don't think I am imagining things.  he has even upset my friend frequently when he tries to run HER life and criticizes things SHE does.  of course SHE always makes excuses for him.  ME, I always end up wanting to bitch slap him lol.  I rose above it though and focused on why I came there.  Just hope he doesn't have to take us again.