You Can't Always Get What You Want...

     Made a total ass of myself yesterday.  I have tried so hard all my life not to want too much because, all too often, I have been disappointed and hurt when it fell through.  well...my daughter's friend offered to get us a kitten for christmas.  I let myself get all caught up in the excitement.  I was even suggesting names.  can we guess what happened folks?  everything fell through and it didn't happen.  tori didn't go when she said but waited until the afternoon, and by then the cat had been taken by someone else.  she might be planning to keep trying, but i told katie i want nothing to do with it.
     I got upset when we didn't get the cat and was villified for it both by katie and tori.  katie told tori all about it and tori even made me get on the phone so she could scold me.  she said i was spoiled and suggested i was acting like a child.
     maybe she is right.  i AM a child i guess when i actually hope i will get something i desire.  I MUST develop more of a buddhist viewpoint and stop wanting ANYTHING, or at the very least never expect anything from other people and stop caring about the outcome when I myself attempt to gain something in my life if part of it is out of my control.
      i intend to focus on myself, do things to make my life better, starting with my health.  but that all depends upon ME.  I can exercise on my own, control my eating etc, everything i need to do to lose weight.  and since all that is solely within my control, it should eventually happen. I also plan to finish a writing project.  that is also in my control.  when I send it out though, that is dependent upon someone else to publish it or not.  sooo. at that point that is where i need to let go and not give a shit if it happens or not.  as for stuff that are dependent upon others from start to finish such as the cat thing, I must never ask for them and have no attachment about the outcome one way or the other.  in this case i should have been accepted the gift if it happened, but totally not given a shit at ALL if it didn't.
     the only things you can accomplish are those you get for yourself, and even then, someone else may screw it up for you.  to believe otherwise IS being a spoiled child.  my new life motto:  ask me if i give a shit.  or how about the one i made up for myself years ago:  expect NOTHING, then when you get it, you won't be disappointed.  I'm reminded of that song from wicked, I'm Not That Girl-so true: Don't dream too far
Don't lose sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy...Ev'ry so often we long to steal
To the land of what-might-have-been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel
When reality sets back in...Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl...I'm not that girl...

                                              

Alone Again, Naturally

     Been a long time since i've written here.  just haven't felt like doing it i suppose.  and really, nothing changes...sooo.  well nothing IMPROVES anyway.  it can and HAS gotten WORSE.  katie has her first serious boyfriend and distance has grown between us as a result.  my kids were my whole world.  i was isolated, alone, barely leaving the house for years.  in addition, the few "friends" i  made ended up betraying me in so many ways, so i retreated inward even more.
     needless to say, i'm not doing well without katie.  when she leaves and i can't contact her, i have panic attacks.  i spoke to one of these so called friends about it, and while being sympathetic to my face, she told katie other things behind my back.  she basically said i drove her crazy one day when i was particularly upset, and she continually encourages katie to leave me all together.  she even tells ME some times that i basically need to just let go of EVERYONE, depend on no one but me etc etc etc.  what have i done mainly for YEARS?  i already know that no one gives a shit about me and so kept most of my problems to myself except when it got really bad.  i suppose i did depend on katie too much because i had nobody else.  but to expect a person to be entirely alone is too much.  we are social creatures, and we don't do well in isolation.  we are always going to be dependent upon others to some extent.
     not much else to say.  just feeling really betrayed, alone and pathetic right now.  god if i only COULD shut off all emotion and not want anyone around.

                                                                 

I Gotta Be Me...

 I have written a note like this at least once before, but I feel I am delving a bit deeper now, so maybe there is something valid here. Totally Random-I was thinking about how unhappy I've been lately and trying to determine exactly what I need to do to change that. Naturally, that led me to thoughts about the art i always turn to in times of good AND bad.  I love music, films and books so much.  I've written before about how I've always been a bit hesitant to talk about that a great deal because people don't seem to understand.  I have been accused of living in a dream world, of just sitting around, not being out in the world but watching it go by, that I waste time by investing myself in things that aren't "real."  

     First of all, can you blame someone for wanting to immerse themselves in art when day to day life is admittedly pretty dull, and a lot of people are selfish and stupid (ok, my inner sherlock coming out lol)?  secondly, my love of art would only be unhealthy if I began to believe it to be real instead of the world around me. my grasp of reality is fine, thank you. I DO need to get out more though, and I will.

     But back to art.  I need to stop making excuses for myself to appease others.  everybody has things that make them happy, give them pleasure, and they are as different as every person is.  if it doesn't harm you or anyone else, go for it.  So I give myself permission to indulge my passion without guilt.  and when I make money at it (either writing, music, or reviewing film) then maybe they will acknowledge that my love of the arts isn't a waste of time.  what now bitches lol?