In The Valley Again

     Yesterday I did something I should not have, and now I may be paying for it.  I had to babysit again.  It has really begun to bother me because A. Linda always keeps Jeanne out for HOURS, and B. it just feels as if Jeanne doesn't have nearly as much to do with me any more,  that I exist mainly now to be her babysitter.  I don't know if the latter has any basis in reality, but whoever said emotions were rational.
     At any rate, my irritation has built up to the point that I think I took it out on Sam when I was babysitting.  I WAS crankier than usual for sure.  well, today I have called Jeanne a few times and received no answer.  I don't know if she decided to go to church with Linda, or if she is just avoiding me.  It is possible that Sam told her mom what a witch I was and she is mad at me now.  I tried calling Linda to see if SHE had heard from Jeanne, and I got no answer from her either.
     Update-Linda just called me back.  Didn't sound like SHE was mad at me, but then she sounded exceptionally cheery which could be her faking it and PRETENDING she isn't mad at me.  She does do that.  Still haven't heard from Jeanne, although she did go to church with Linda (I found out THAT much).  Not sure what to think.
     Basically there are a few issues here.  I am soooo insecure.   I can never truly believe that people really care about me (could it be because in many cases those who SAID they cared treated me the worst of all and hurt me the most?).  I am always afraid to disappoint someone or make them angry at me because part of me secretly thinks they are just keeping me around for their own reasons, and that once I cease to be of use to them, or my drawbacks outweigh my benefits to them that they will leave me.
     In addition, I do tend to be somewhat negative and get irritated easily.  I will find myself even thinking, "Why are you getting so annoyed?  The situation isn't that bad, and you should try to relax and enjoy it as much as possible."  Why can't I do that?  My inability to chill may have cost a friend now.
     I need to learn to love me.  If I can just do that, what others think won't matter.  I can just accept them as they are then, enjoy spending time with them and not continually analyze them, wonder if they care or are using me.  Maybe I won't be so critical and irritated either because I won't be filled with underlying bitterness caused by my perception that I am being treated unfairly.
     wow-a lot to chew on today.

                                           

More Hormonal Musings

     I am finding it difficult to deal with people right now, including myself.  Jeanne is going through such a rough time of it, but unfortunately, she seems intent upon making things far worse by choosing as many bad decisions as possible.  In addition, every time I or anyone else makes a suggestion as to how she can rectify the mistakes she has made or make her life a bit better, she immediately summons a million excuses as to why she can't.  It's as if she is not only is determined to stay stuck in misery, but is content to WALLOW in it.  Much like my grandmother, she hates her life, but appears to want to stay mired in self-pity  rather than lift a finger to change her circumstances or get a reign on her emotions to find some peace even in unhappy circumstances.  It's like she ENJOYS despair.  It is difficult to even be around her.  Not that I am much any more.  She always chooses to stay alone in her apartment with her daughter and stew rather than be with people who care and might be able to cheer her up.  I see her only during one of the million times she has me babysit for her.
     As for Linda, she seems to be avoiding me.   I call and she always gets another call, asks to go and that she will call back.  course she doesn't.  I decided that I could not physically handle being on my feet for hours right now and turned down my job, so maybe that is it.  She doesn't approve of my decisions, and so avoids the loser like the plague.  paranoia?  maybe, maybe not.
     Another friend only appears to call when she wants something.  But then she did drop off cold meds for me yesterday (I have had a miserable cold for a week) and a video from our yoga class I could use at home.  Maybe I should just take what i am given and not analyze it, not place sinister ulterior motives on everyone.
     Of course that is difficult to do with raging menstrual hormones.  I distrust everyone and everything.  I can't even trust myself.  I have no energy, no drive, no ambition.  I am just consumed with an overwhelming lethargy.  All I want to do is veg on the couch.  I can barely summon the will to do the most mundane of tasks like cleaning or even showering and dressing myself.  it sucks.  I must fight it or my house will never be clean and I will never improve myself or my situation.  I need to learn to be my own best friend, love myself (my best childhood friend is gone too).

                                     

Bohemian Rhapsody

     Katie and I went to the library yesterday morning for a special screening of "Vertigo."  It was great having someone to share that with, being able to discuss the arts I love with my sweet daughter.  That is what I want from a ROMANTIC relationship, someone who loves the things I do, someone with whom I can experience the music, films, books, TV shows and art that I adore.  I had that with Steve, and I miss that so much.               Maybe someday....wow, that is more positive.